SCENE 13:
The statue garden. Most of the statues are not in classical repose, but rather look like they were solidified in the midst of something important, and they probably were.

Zeus: I hardly need to ask whether you will do your part in reattaining the glory of the Gods. Clearly anything that involves me is in direct opposition to your plans, no matter if I am right or not.

Hera: Perhaps, but in this case you happen to be wrong, so I scarcely see a conflict of interest. Maybe if you were to suddenly engage yourself in something wholly beneficial I would be tempted to abandon my usual antagonism.

Zeus: I dislike you contradicting me in front of the other gods. You are my wife, and should hardly be the one to question me.

Hera: (laughing to herself) Fine. I’m not going to fight you.

Zeus: You are always ready to fight me when there is an audience around. Why now that everyone is gone are you so reticent and humble?

Hera: If we are in council, then I am certainly not going to let you dismiss our entire lifestyles and consideration for humankind because you don’t understand it. And I am damned if I will let you chastise the other gods for being on earth and having done their work for thousands of years while you played with Oceanids on Olympus. That is important, but it is not important to me to sit here and argue with you just so you can feel sorry for yourself for having chosen such a shrewish wife. Find someone else to play your mind games, because I am no longer concerned with such trivialities.

Zeus: And what do you do on Earth, that is so important and meaningful?

Hera: Currently, I’m in a rather high position in a bank that I have spent various lifelines building into a worldwide financial empire. So much so, that I don’t think you’ll get very far with the humans without my tacit approval.

Zeus: Is that a threat?

Hera: It is an observation. I have not brought it up to the other gods, because I feared they would take me for an idle boast, as you obviously do. But I have studied the human way, since the beginning, and I have been instrumental in the formation of corporations, which are, after all, merely marriages without the sex. Sorry, you probably don’t even know what a corporation is.

Zeus: I do pay attention to what is going on in Earth, probably more so than you would care to find out. I know, for instance, that Aphrodite’s accusations regarding your sexual proclivities are quite accurate.

Hera: It never stopped you, their being humans. Nor did it ever bother you to commit adultery, so spare me your lectures.

Zeus: I have no patience for lectures. I am interested in something else, something that only you can give. You see, divine law is very specific about marriages, and of course the law of marriages stems from the Goddess of Marriage, which would be you obviously. The entire concept of divorce is unheard of in divine law, and it took the humans to give us an idea of why anyone would need it. But now that it is acceptable on earth, I feel that it would be a welcome addition to the rules of Olympus. The only problem is that as the Goddess of marriage, you can hardly initiate a divorce, even on the grounds of my adultery, because it would jeopardize your godhead. But I would say, that given your own admission of adultery, that I could quite easily sue for divorce, and be granted one.

Hera: (excited) You would do that?

Zeus: No. At least, not yet. You know why I married you, my dear, and right now I need your ambitions blunted more than ever. So, let us say that I am willing to trade for it, that should be good news to someone in the economic industry. Let’s say that you can lead your little band of wayward gods, and I won’t stop you, but you for your part will not take any proactive steps to get in the way of my business. And when I have secured the power that I wish, I will give you the freedom you have always sought.

Hera: You must think me very easily bought.

Zeus: The humans cannot mean so much to you that you would sacrifice the one thing you want more than anything.

Hera: The one thing that I desire you know nothing about. But it is not a divorce from you. I hate to break your gigantic bout of egotism, but I have lived with the wretched curse you placed upon me for so long that I think I will manage to bear that yolk for a few more million years. It has been long said that there is a difference between what is good, and what is right, and in this instance I choose to submit myself to personal indignities if it means that my actions are just.

Zeus: You’ve been reading too many philosophers.

Hera: I detest philosophy, and I ordinarily am not particularly fond of morals. But as you referred to divine law earlier, well, I too am bound by that, and the need to do what is right is my acceptance of the path the Fates have laid before me. You could offer me a thousand rewards, but I can take nothing without losing their favor, and I will not be accursed by them.

Zeus: Have you conferred with them already?

Hera: No, I know their will for me. Surely you must feel their hand guiding you in your decisions.

Zeus: Never. They have no power over me.

Hera: I hope for your sake that is true.

Zeus: Of course it is true, I was the one God that was able to trick them. I threw Cronos and his kind into Tartarus, which was also something the Fates never agreed to, and I have ruled the other Gods, no matter who they are, since my ascent to the Kingship.

Hera: Do you really think you are so clever that you can do what no one else could, or were you just lucky that no one else was corrupt enough to try?

Zeus: It must destroy you that however much you hate me, I will always be better and stronger and more popular than you are. Poor little Hera, the laughingstock of the Gods.

Hera: How dare you say that? You don’t even know, you have no idea what you are talking about. You are so full of shit!

Zeus: And here we have the woman I recognize, all emotion and frivolity, pure vitriol, blaming everyone else for your inadequacies.

Hera: If you think that my anger necessarily equates with me being out of control, you are sorely mistaken. But then, it always fooled you before. Too bad you understand people so ill, else you might be able to manipulate them as much as you think you do.

Zeus: Why would I try to manipulate you, my darling, everything you have is mine by rights of marriage anyway.

Hera: Fine, take my sense of humor and look at yourself in a mirror. You will never understand the patience I have, putting up with you for even a day.

Zeus: And yet I offer you to chance to rid yourself of my foul airs forever, but you are too proud to take it. Yes, too proud, do not pretend to me that it is anything else, and it is pride that the Fates will strike down more than anything, pride that will take you to your ruin more than anything I could ever devise. It will be refreshing to watch you drown in the anger of the Fates, and me not having to lift a finger. I cannot think of anything more satisfying.

Hera: I hope you do enjoy that thought, because it will never happen. And if one of us comes out laughing – this time, it will be me. (she spins on her heel and walks out).

SCENE 14:
Demeter’s bedroom. Crammed with flowers and fruits, the bounty of the earth, the primary color scheme is the deep golden of grain. Demeter sits at her dressing table, trying her hair in various fashions while Hestia reclines in a chair.

Demeter: It’ll be nice to have a party with everyone.

Hestia: I suppose. I’ve never been the celebratory type.

Demeter: But you know how much it means to me. I mean, you have Prometheus, you don’t have to worry about finding a companion anymore. I’m just so tired of being always a single mother of someone who’s happily married. It’s not like it’s interesting, being the Goddess of grain. Who came up with that? How come all of our powers are so shit?

Hestia: Your cad ex-boyfriend, as I recall. Seemed to want his children to have more important Godheads than we had, so they’d always be on his side. Hasn’t worked very well, has it?

Demeter: Don’t you think, I mean… aren’t you even a little curious to find out if we could be worshipped again?

Hestia: I’m afraid my heyday as a goddess was prehistory, so I don’t really remember it all that well. By the time you lot were at the height of your powers, I was past it.

Demeter: They still respected you.

Hestia: (getting up and perching over Demeter) Yes, but they respected you as well. You must never forget that, my dear, that you meant something to a great many people, and still do. Don’t give up on yourself just yet.

Demeter: I’m not, it just seems as though our choices are so slim. I feel as though I’ve exhausted all of the possibilities of Olympus. We all know each other too well.

Hestia: Still, don’t you believe that people can change? Take Hades, for instance. Little brother went from being this painfully introverted loner to a man happily in love to a conscientious father.

Demeter: Yes, I just wish he had found someone else besides my daughter. They love each other, though, you’re right about that. A rare thing, not only here but on earth.

Hestia: You must have fallen in love in at least one of your lifelines.

Demeter: No. In every single one of them. I’ve been married, what, a hundred times, happily, and they die, and I can visit their spirits in Hades and the look on their faces when they discover they’ve married a High Goddess, and we won’t be spending the afterlife together… I wish I could be as happily single as Athena.

Hestia: I do not know that she is happy. But who am I to say, I will never understand that particular branch of the family. Most of Zeus’ children seem rather frivolous to me. They were always more concerned with their own place as Gods to worry about how they could use their powers for the betterment of the world.

Demeter: Not all of them. Apollo’s very serious about the humans.

Hestia: Usually. But he also has a habit of flaking out and partying with the boys. You can’t tell me you forget the noise when the four of them would come round at four in the morning, banging on everyone’s door and asking where we’d hidden the Oceanids.

Demeter: (looking a bit sad and embarrassed) Sometimes they would settle for a high Goddess.

Hestia: You didn’t.

Demeter: Oh, what else was there to do? And it’s not as if I was the only Goddess who was fucking Hermes. Or Ares. Or Apollo or Dionysus, for that matter, but especially Hermes, I think he ‘messengered’ his way into everyone’s bedroom besides yours.

Hestia: I sometimes wonder how much I missed out on being married to someone I wanted to stay faithful to. I don’t think I’ve ever even kissed anyone besides Prometheus.

Demeter: You should, just to make him jealous.

Hestia: I’ve absolutely no reason to do that. I’ve got what I want out of my place in life, and I feel guilty about that, since it doesn’t appear that either of my dear sisters have been given such blessings.

Demeter: I wouldn’t worry about Hera, she’ll get what she needs eventually. And as for me, I just need to figure out which one of the boys I’ll be asking home tonight.

Hestia: (laughing) Why not all four of them? (Demeter’s face lights up for a moment, then she recognizes Hestia is teasing)

Demeter: I’m not that kind of a fertility goddess, thank you.

SCENE 15:
The library – a house of scrolls, books, cuneiform tablets – all old, all looking thoroughly unused since the departure of the host to earth. Hephaestus has come here, the only place on Olympus he feels at home. He is in the midst of research, when Athena walks in looking distracted. They do not notice each other until she consults the catalog and his table is in her way.

Athena: Sorry, didn’t realize you were here.

Hephaestus: You don’t have to go on my account.

Athena: No, I wasn’t going to leave. The library is big enough for the both of us.

Hephaestus: I didn’t know it had to be.

Athena: Sorry?

Hephaestus: Were you avoiding me for any particular reason?

Athena: No, I just thought, you being… I didn’t mean to be rude.

Hephaestus: Apparently I kept missing you at the Christmas shindigs, I’m not much for get togethers.

Athena: Nor I. I only went to a dozen of them perhaps. I was never made to feel very welcome.

Hephaestus: Most of the other Gods feel that you dislike them.

Athena: Utterly ridiculous drivel invented by Hera to continue her senseless revenge on me for having received the love of her husband. I pity you having her as a mother.

Hephaestus: Actually, she was an exceptional mother.

Athena: Well. (having nothing to say, she turns aside to find her book)

Hephaestus: I don’t suppose you would ever admit your loathing toward her is every bit as strong as what you suggest she feels about you?

Athena: I am proud of how much I detest her. It keeps me focused on what not to be.

Hephaestus: And yet you are both consumed, in equal portions, by pride and resentment. Irony is such a powerful thing.
(Athena looks ready to explode and walks away, Hephaestus chuckles to himself)

SCENE 16:
Eros and Psyche are in a plain bedchamber that looks like no one has resided in it for some time. During the entire scene they cuddle, kiss at one another, and generally act like the disgusting PDA couple you want to throttle.

Psyche: It’s been such a long time, and obviously no one’s fixed it up.

Eros: I’m surprised that no one’s taken it over as their quarters. The younger gods pretty much have the run of the palace these days.

Psyche: (teasingly) Don’t you mean the lesser gods?

Eros: He’s such a pompous ass. If Gaea knew what was going on here, she would destroy them all and start from scratch.

Psyche: I don’t know about that, I think she has her ways of finding out. After all, the only reason I ever came out here was to check up on you lot.

Eros: And you ended up falling in love and staying forever. That’s so cute.

Psyche: I assume that she’s why she asked me to go. She’s so clever. I do wonder what would have happened if she had stayed, and this entire planet was still a matriarchy, even amongst the Gods.

Eros: Best not to think about it! Might have beens never get you anywhere. If Gaea had stayed, she never would have given birth to you, and that would have been tragedy.

Psyche: I’m sure you would have ended up with Demeter or someone else, and been perfectly happy.

Eros: (remembering) Maybe not Demeter. But I found you, and you are my light and my life.

Psyche: That’s very soppy, we’ll have to put that on a greeting card.

Eros: Look at your memory. We already did, Valentine’s five years ago.

Psyche: That explains it. That’s your holiday, remember? I’m Thank You and In Sympathy.

Eros: And the novelty cards with naked people on the covers.

Psyche: I’m not! Honestly, listen to us talking about our human business. I suppose we should talk about something more… Olympian.

Eros: Like what? I never felt very comfortable in this place, I just like to lay about on the edge of the universe and let it all go.

Psyche: You mean, you fart? When you’re out there by yourself, staring at the black holes and supernovas?

Eros: You, my dearest darling baby, are completely disgusting.

Psyche: And you, my sninkle woodums honey bunch, are badly in need of a big kiss. (they kiss)

Eros: No, what I need is something more substantial, like a good game of pokey poo.

Psyche: Ooh, you naughty boy, you need to have a spanking. (they get frisky, we get vaguely nauseated. The scene fades out before they manage to become full fledged sickening)

SCENE 17:
In the halls of Olympus, Hebe guides Nathaniel and Cephallenia. They look totally in awe, they are still impressed at having seen minotaurs and medusas.

Hebe: This is the main hallway to the higher Gods’ quarters. Most of these rooms are private, but right up there where that next hall intersects is the public space. There you’ll find the fountain room, the statue garden, the library, the main council room that we met in.

Cephallenia: Do you have a room where you can see what goes on everywhere else, like on earth?

Hebe: No. If we want to see that, we can go down there.

Cephallenia: But if you had a screen for it, you would never have to leave the house. We have screens like that for all the bits of Hades we don’t like to go to.

Hebe: I’ve never heard of that. I suppose that would be convenient. We’re not really bothered about earth, though. Well, we weren’t. Dad wants to go back down there, but I’ve never lived around Earth before. I’m kind of worried, I don’t think I’d like it at all, not even if it means that I would be a respected Goddess and everyone would worship me.

Nathaniel: It would probably get old pretty quickly. I mean, we have bellboys who kiss my ass and I can’t stand that, I don’t think I could do with a whole planet wanting something from me.

Cephallenia: Yes, that’s the problem with worship. People only want to worship you when they think they can get something. All the spirits in Hades try all of this prayer and bowing business, cause they think it’ll get them what they want.
(During this conversation, they arrive at the statue garden, and look in, then move on and look in to the library, where Hephaestus is still busy)

Hebe: Well, nobody’s really worshipped me much before, I don’t think I’d mind finding out what it was like.

Nathaniel: I guess you’ve got to try it before you can decide whether you like it, but I don’t think you lot are going to get very far with the humans. They’re pretty independent these days.

Hebe: That’s what mother says, but she’s very melodramatic about everything.

Cephallenia: You don’t like Hera?

Hebe: I’ve always been my daddy’s girl. But I suppose you two haven’t heard very much nice about Zeus. He’s been misunderstood by the other Gods. He’s always felt the pressure of leadership, and sometimes I think he comes off as more harsh or arrogant than he intends. You should at least try to get to know him before you make any judgments about him.

Nathaniel: I somehow don’t think he’d want to get to know me very well. We’re not exactly close relations.

Cephallenia: He’s my grandfather but I didn’t even know that until yesterday. I don’t really know any of the Gods, though, so I don’t think I’m at the judgment stage just yet. I’m still trying to keep everyone’s names straight.

Nathaniel: I’m Nathaniel, by the way.

Cephallenia: Thanks, I knew that (she hits him). And I know Hebe, and Apollo, and Zeus and Hera because they’re too scary to forget, and Aphrodite because she’s the prettiest. Besides grandma, anyway. (Nathaniel gets a slightly faraway look in his eyes)

Hebe: Yes, they’re all pretty. But my husband is the most handsome.

Nathaniel: Not that you’re biased. (At this point, they reach the fountain room, where Nathaniel’s jaw drops. The entire room is filled with pools of various sides, most of them with working fountains. The lights from the pools reflects of mosaic walls and a an ornately carved ceiling.

Cephallenia: Can we go inside and stay in this room?

Hebe: Of course, this is my favorite place. I love the water. The one thing I miss about the earth is the ocean.

Nathaniel: I grew up on the beach. But this is something totally different. (he whips off his shirt and takes a running dive into the largest and deepest pool)

Hebe: I guess he feels at home here.
(a wet Poseidon pokes his head up from the nearest pool)

Poseidon: I should hope so. I was the one who designed it. (he beams with pride)

Cephallenia: It’s incredible. It’s as good as the sunrise.

Poseidon: I’m glad you approve. (loudly) Nathaniel, I was telling Hebe and Cephallenia that this is the one room in Olympus that I designed. You like it? (Nate comes swimming back to where he can see his dad)

Nathaniel: You designed this? I’m in heaven, or I guess, Olympus as the case may be. Can we get one of these at the hotel?

Poseidon: I think the heating bills would be outrageous. Not to mention the electricity for lights and fountains.

Nathaniel: Just tell them it’s magic from your day job as the third most important God on earth.

Cephallenia: My dad is more important than your dad.

Hebe: But my dad is the most important of all.

Poseidon: Well, I suppose I shall have to content myself with being the most satisfied. (he dives back under the water. Nathaniel follows suit)

Cephallenia: Is there a hot tub?

Hebe: A what?

Cephallenia: A shallow pool where I can sit down.

Hebe: Oh, of course. (She leads her) You’ve seen pretty much all of Olympus now, and the others look to stay here, do you mind if I go see the others?

Cephallenia: That’s fine, as long as Poseidon is here I’m alright. (calling) Poseidon!!

Poseidon: Yes, dear?

Cephallenia: Hebe is leaving, so you have to be my baby-sitter.

Poseidon: Ah. Don’t drown, and don’t set anyone on fire.
(Hebe laughs and heads out)

SCENE 18:
In the grand kitchen of Olympus. Even though gods don’t particularly need to eat, they do, and how. The kitchen is an old fashioned affair, with huge chimneys for ovens and long wood block counters, copper pots everywhere, and dried herbs hanging just about everywhere. An enormous wooden table with long benches sits slightly off from the main room, where Eilithea, Heracles, Ares, Apollo, Hermes, and Dionysus sit around with about twenty open bottles of wine, most of which are empty and knocked over. Several empty platters attest to their vigor, as well as a healthy relationships with the chefs, who can be seen bustling in the background.

Ares: Do you remember the time we stole one of the statues from the garden and dressed it up and put it in Athena’s bed?

Hermes: Yeah, she tried to spear it through the head and broke that stupid sword of hers!

Dionysus: And then we put up naked pictures of ourselves in the hallways and she ripped them all down except Apollo’s.

Apollo: That was the first I found out she had a thing for me, now that was traumatic.

Eilithea: How could she ever think you would be interested?

Hermes: I dunno, she’d be pretty fucking hot if she weren’t such a bitch.

Dionysus: That’s what you say about all the goddesses.

Hermes: Yeah, well, they’re all bitches.

Eilithea: I’m not.

Ares: Yeah, Eilithea’s not, she’s a ho.

Dionysus: She’s a crack whore.

Apollo: That’s not very nice, guys.

Eilithea: Thank you, Apollo. I can always count on you to defend me.

Hermes: (mimicking) I can always count on you. You’re such an asswiper, Apollo, why don’t you just kneel outside the door of the council and lick everyone’s balls when they come in.

Ares: Why outside the council? It’d be better if he did room service.

Heracles: No, because then Athena would keep him locked up in her room. Or Eilithea would.

Eilithea: I wouldn’t, you guys are all horrible.

Dionysus: Eh, you shouldn’t spend so much time around us, then. What did you think we were going to talk about, shopping?

Ares: Yeah, we can ask each other where we got our sandals.

Hermes: Mine are magical.

Apollo: Are they really? Are you sure? I don’t think I’ve ever seen those magical sandals in action.

Hermes: Are you trying to get rid of me, Ball Boy?

Ares: Yeah, you go to Hades!

Dionysus: Man, that place is fucking frightening. And Hades, still the same black hair and tragic look. He totally inspired the Goth movement and he wasn’t even in Bauhaus.

Apollo: No, he was in the Cure.

Ares: He could conceivably be in the Rolling Stones, they’re a few million years old.

Apollo: I’m definitely going to be in a band my next lifeline, man they get everything.

Dionysus: And I’ll do your music video with all the goddesses who are in love with you wearing French poodle fur.

Ares: How does one wear French poodle fur?

Apollo: Have you got something for dogs we don’t know about?

Dionysus: No, it was, never mind, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Eilithea: Neither do I, this must be earth talk.

Heracles: poodles and stones that move. It all sounds very… tempting.

Ares: It’s awesome, why the hell do you two keep cooped up in here like scared teenagers?

Heracles: I spent enough time on earth, cleaning out stables, killing every animal that menaced someone or other.

Apollo: He’d make a good cab driver, you know?

Dionysus: No way, no no… he’d be one of those overnight express drivers that all the women invite into the house for a quick fuck.

Ares: Would you like my package with your package?
(all three burst into hilarity)

Hermes: I don’t think we’re missing much from earth so far.

Heracles: I suppose we’ll find out soon enough.

Apollo: (sobering) Let’s just not talk about that.

Dionysus: Awful serious, aren’t we, Pollo?

Apollo: It is. Come on, if we can’t talk about earth, let’s talk about the time that Heracles dressed up as a woman to see if he could tempt Hephaestus into bed.

Ares: And Aphrodite went into a fit, cause she was jealous! But the next day she was swearing up and down that she hates him all over again.

Hermes: I’ve never seen two people who hate each other manage to get it on more in bed more. I mean, Zeus and Hera stopped sleeping together a few billion years ago, probably after you were born, Lithy, that would stop me.

Eilithea: Thanks. But I think you’ll find their last encounter was the Trojan war seduction.

Dionysus: Oh, that was a fucking classic. Shit, the look on her face when she found out that was the only thing that was gonna distract him!

Apollo: That girdle from Aphrodite was pretty sexy, if Zeus didn’t fall for it I was ready to have a go myself.

Ares: Hey, man, that’s my mother you’re talking about.

Hermes: Yeah, she screams out your name during sex.

Ares: Wrong! Wrong! Crossing the line. Penalty for Hermes.

Dionysus: I just have a hard time imagining either Hera or Athena having sex at all. Or Hestia, for that matter, they are just out there.

Hermes: I have a hard time imagining Artemis and Eris, but they won’t let me watch.

Apollo: Now that’s my sister! You’ve got to stop Herms, you’re making us all ill.

Heracles: And boring those of us who are happily married.

Ares: Oh, right. Let’s see, that’s you and… you! Go find your wife and pack off if that’s what you want.

Eilithea: Come off it, Ares, you’re practically married to Aphrodite, how much time do you spend together?

Ares: Not much anymore, actually. I’m Hera’s righthand man on earth, and I can pick up chicks who aren’t married.

Hermes: And aren’t bitches, right?

Ares: And aren’t bitches.

Eilithea: Just because you lot are threatened by strong women is no reason to refer to us as bitches.

Dionysus: Threatened? If we were threatened we wouldn’t have lasted a day up here, no way. Just because the three of us (indicating Hermes and Apollo) have milksop mothers, doesn’t mean we go looking for shy little girls. We leave that to Heracles over here.

Heracles: What? Hebe isn’t a little girl, she’s the Goddess of Youth.

Dionysus: Yeah, but she’s like, daddy’s little girl, all sugar and spice, man. None of that for us, right? We need a good challenge. Except Ares, who’s still having Oedipal issues.

Ares: Funny. I like strong women, but come on, Aphrodite isn’t exactly a pillar of ambition. She’s a cocktease who happens to be the most powerful goddess in the world because men are scum, and easy to please, and we fall in line for a cocktease far faster than someone with a brain like my mum.

Hermes: So, you want someone who fucks like Aphrodite and thinks like your mum?

Apollo: Hell yeah.

Dionysus: I’m going to add the caveat that she has to be as funny as Artie and Eri.

Hermes: I can only think of one person who fits that description.

Apollo: Is she single?

Hermes: The only person who has a voracious sexual appetite, a thirst for power, and a breath of comic relief, is… Zeus.

Ares: So it’s better to lust after my father than my mother?

Apollo: I’m just not going to ask how you know about Zeus’ sexual appetites. I mean, I draw the line at my own father, but you know, everyone has a different opinion.

Dionysus: And opinions are like assholes, which leads us back to the did you or didn’t you question, Hermes.

Hermes: Not directly, but you know, Roman orgies were called that for a reason.

Dionysus: Oh, shit, I forgot about that.

Ares: Don’t you mean, ‘those’?

Apollo: I must have missed these. Was this one of those things I didn’t get invited to because (interrupted)

Hermes: You were being a serious prat at the time? Yes, that’s it.

Dionysus: During your I am an Artist and Need Respect phase, darling. Thank god you got over that. You did, didn’t you? I mean, I saw your last movie, it was shit.

Apollo: Hey, studio contract, I didn’t have a choice.

Ares: It that why the one before sucked, too?

Apollo: Hey, hey, no earth talk, poor Hermes and Heracles and Eilithea have no idea what you’re talking about.

Dionysus: Lucky them, I though I was watching the sequel to Dr. Zhivago.

Apollo: It was the sequel to Dr. Zhivago.

Ares: Dr. Zhivago was a classic, man. You just don’t touch classics.

Hermes: What the fuck is Dr. Zhivago?

Eilithea: I don’t think we want to know. Probably someone who didn’t get invited to our insane sex parties either.

Heracles: Let me guess, I didn’t get invited because I’m happily married?

Ares: What, just because you’re happy doesn’t mean you can’t fuck around. You can always be happier.

Dionysus: Yeah, then you’d be (completely blanks out in drunken confusion) happiest married. (all collapse into giggles)

SCENE 19:
A balcony overlooking a side of the mountain. Zeus stands, lost in thought. Aphrodite slips out onto the balcony, and looks over the side and smiles at the view before stepping to the side.

Aphrodite: Penny for your thoughts.

Zeus: What?

Aphrodite: Ah, wrong expression, sorry.

Zeus: Am I doing the right thing, Aphrodite?

Aphrodite: About seeing the Fates tomorrow, you mean?

Zeus: About anything. Maybe I am old, and we’re past it now. The glory of the gods is a nice thing to talk about, but I’m not even sure what it means anymore.

Aphrodite: What do you want to see happen?

Zeus: I want to be able to look down at the earth and think that I have some place in it. I want to get off this mountain and have a real challenge for once. I want a companion who understands and appreciates me.

Aphrodite: That wouldn’t be me, then. I have you all figured out, sweetheart. Maybe you should try your wife, you’re a complete mystery to her.

Zeus: She never wanted to know me. She only wants what’s going to suit her purposes without having to bend or compromise in any way.

Aphrodite: Sounds like someone else I know.

Zeus: Did you come out here to lecture me?

Aphrodite: No. That’s a bit boring, if I wanted an argument I would go talk to my husband.

Zeus: And how is your husband doing?

Aphrodite: The same. Always a nose in a book or a new project, it’s nuclear fusion now. They’ll blow themselves up, the humans, especially with nuts like Hephaestus egging them on in the name of progress.

Zeus: There is a way to stop that. Give them a higher power to look to, guide them when they are in danger.

Aphrodite: It sounds nice, but I’m not sure if we can hack it anymore. Who am I to go around giving humans advice on cloning and biracial adoptions and in vitro fertilization and sadomasochism and everything else that’s associated with something that used to be as simple as just plain lust? I suppose part of that is Eilithea’s job, my job is the getting it on part, hers is the baby in your tummy part, but… you probably have no idea what I’m talking about.

Zeus: More than you think. I do pay attention to the earth, even if Hermes and the kids don’t. I’m familiar with the advances of modern medicine. And the decline of modern law. Any society that allows capital punishment but not homosexual marriages has some very odd priorities.

Aphrodite: Tell me about it. But marriage is Hera’s job, not mine. Not that she isn’t trying about that, mind you, but she’s – we all are – just one person. And Hera’s time is spent with money now. I think we’ve all lost sight of our Godheads. I’m a magazine editor, don’t know if you knew that, but I’m more concerned with the ad revenue than the kinky sex tips that should be my duty as a God. They’re all so crap now, the women’s magazines, all about losing weight and plastic surgery for under a thousand dollars.

Zeus: Subjects on which you have decidedly less expertise than actual humans. And yet, if you were once again the Goddess of lust and beauty, you would be able to set the fashions instead of reporting on them.

Aphrodite: But it’s not the same somehow. You don’t know what it’s like to be the Goddess of lust only because I was pretty enough for the job, never feeling like I have any real authority or use as a God. On earth, I assume bodies that are less than spectacularly attractive, and I can still have a really incredible career, and know that the accomplishment is one hundred percent from my attitude.

Zeus: You surprise me, Aphrodite. I never thought of you as the brainy, hard working type. Somehow the words ‘manipulative sex kitten’ were always more appropriate.

Aphrodite: That’s just it. That’s all I can ever be on Olympus, it’s not like there’s much intellectualism in making people’s dicks get hard. And sex is manipulative, no matter what anyone tries to tell you, so that’s part of what it is to do my job. But it’s not something that I have to do when I’m working on my magazine or any of the other hundred jobs I’ve had and done well.

Zeus: So you don’t want to be the Goddess of lust anymore?

Aphrodite: No, it’s not about that, black or white, yes or no. You’ve got to be more open minded about this, Zeus. You have to realize how much we’ve all learned and changed and how much the things we want are completely different. And if we choose to follow you, to go back to being proper Gods and Goddesses, it’s because that’s a change and it’s something new and not because we have any great desire to fix the lives of humans. We’ve all been in their shoes, and their lives aren’t easier to fix than ours. I mean, look at us all.

Zeus: I’m rather pleased. The first time we’ve all been together for a thousand years, and no one has stormed out swearing vengeance yet. If we can survive dinner and Dionysus’ big bash we might actually be able to stand being in the same group for the longest journey ever. I’ve done it before, it’s not a walk in the park.

Aphrodite: Fortunately. We’ll have less trouble if we’re all focused on doing some activity and not just getting on each other’s nerves. I’m more worried about tonight.

SCENE 20:
The hallways outside the kitchen. Hera is walking along toward her bedroom, looking irritable, she has just had a run-in with Athena. The kitchen door opens, and out stumble Hermes, Apollo, Ares, and Dionysus. They do not yet see her.

Ares: Well, you’d better be getting to Hades. I wouldn’t want you to miss our party.

Dionysus: The other party. It’s always a party.

Hermes: Not in Hades. I can promise you that whatever else is going on in Hades, it is not a party.

Apollo: Well, you run along in your magical sandals and you can come back and tell us.

Hermes: (snapping his fingers) I’m gone. (he disappears)

Ares: And I am going to take a walk in the garden (he goes straight into the next door. Hera notices this display and winces slightly, she does not say hello to Apollo and Dionysus.)

Apollo: Hera, where are you off to? (he starts to follow and Dionysus tags along)

Hera: (pausing but not turning around) I’m going to my room.

Apollo: Well, I was saying earlier that I should get around to fifteen minutes again, you remember that I used to spend fifteen minutes with every single god, and I used to come and rub your shoulders before supper.

Hera: I don’t think that will be necessary today, Apollo. I’m going to have a lie down, and we can speak at supper. (he looks a bit angry and spins on his heel and walks the other way to his own room which they have just passed. Dionysus notes this and decide to take it out on Hera).

Dionysus: O, wicked stepmother, can you stop for a moment?

Hera: (stops and turns) Yes, Cinderella?

Dionysus: (taken aback) I never knew you had a sense of humor.

Hera: That’s because you’re a drunk, darling. I doubt you know what color shoes you have on.

Dionysus: (looks down) Brown. I like brown. Good color. But I have something important to ask you. You see, I do remember that the last time you were on Olympus, you always had some complaint or other about my parties, and would tend to shut them down right when they got interesting. Now, I want to have a good, long party, and if you have a problem with it, than just don’t show up.

Hera: Dionysus, sober yourself up, I have no time for discerning your slurs. (he does instantly)

Dionysus: Apologies. The point remains, though, that your idea of prudent fun is somewhat contrary to my plans.

Hera: My idea of fun in the past was to get off of Olympus. Having done that, I could give a flying fuck what you bring for your party tonight. You can make it look like the set of your latest music video and I would not complain, I will just wander off somewhere else.

Dionysus: You don’t like the settings of my music videos?

Hera: They’re a bit misogynistic for my tastes.

Dionysus: They’re a bit misogynistic for my tastes, but when you’ve got four guys who never got laid in high school and they’ve finally got a budget for models and need to get played on MTV, you do what you’re told.

Hera: I don’t really buy that, your videos two years ago were amazing. You were the pioneer in making videos that weren’t about all of the 80’s excess and stiletto shoes, and now you’re telling me you can’t get a job anymore?

Dionysus: You know a lot about my work.

Hera: I pay attention to everyone. Besides, you’re a client of the bank. I know your history in this lifeline, and I know exactly how much you deposit into my bank so don’t fucking tell me you’re trying to squeeze by. You got lazy, and you didn’t stop to think that you were setting a bad example.

Dionysus: Because I’m a god.

Hera: Because you’re a human being. You don’t have to be a god to know what the right way to treat people is. I know that your Godhead is a bit more naughty than the rest of ours, but come on.

Dionysus: (looking very uncomfortable, finally says) I killed someone, Hera.

Hera: What?

Dionysus: During an aftershoot party, someone overdosed on drugs that I had provided. It was completely my fault, and it would have ruined my career. It did ruin it, they made me do what they wanted to, the companies, they own me now, because they covered it up. So now I have to play fantasy filler for all of the two hit wonders, and when I am very lucky, they throw me a group that I actually want to work with. I’m not ready to end this lifeline, but… it’s the first time I’ve considered suiciding a lifeline.

Hera: I’m sorry. There must be some way you can work without the companies on your back.

Dionysus: I could film porn, I don’t think you would like that much better.

Hera: Oh, I don’t know. I think some Hermes on Apollo action would sell rather well, don’t you?

Dionysus: Funny, we were just talking earlier… never mind.

Hera: About god-sex? As if the four of you ever talk about anything else, and then you always think we never find out about it? I’m just surprised you lot haven’t started up a scorecard to rank us all yet.

Dionysus: That’s a good thought, I might suggest that at our next bored meeting. I don’t really know you at all, do I?

Hera: People change. I’m willing to believe that even Zeus hasn’t been idle all these years, although I would be the last person he would ever show that to. And to be honest, I don’t want you to join on with Zeus’ reglorification scheme simply because you have some misunderstanding that I dislike you. You were meant to come to the meeting at Poseidon’s like everyone else. I’m not sure how that got crossed up.

Dionysus: I think you have my old cel. It was stolen, I think by one of the record companies, more character assassination. I probably sound a bit paranoid. I am the God of strong emotions, though, right?

Hera: And bad wine, and nasty parties, and flaky actors.

Dionysus: I think I’ve been cut off from theater by Apollo. He seems to think that the advent of musicals means that he can take over all dramatic production under his Godhead.

Hera: But then if you’re doing music videos, that would be his Godhead.

Dionysus: It’s confusing. Will you go apologize to him? I think you hurt his feelings, he really wants to get back to spending time with everyone like he did before.

Hera: I hope so, he’s the only one we can all get along with. I’ll talk to him later, though, I have a pounding headache.

Dionysus: I’m sorry. (he kisses her cheek) Feel better. (he turns and leaves, Hera smiles a curious sort of smile).

SCENE 21:
Hades. The party. No matter what Hermes thinks, Charon and Minos wasted little time in creating an all out bash to end all bashes. There are being, gods, and spirits strung out all over the rooms, the tortured are wandering around drunk, and Minos and Charon are sitting on a pile of cushions smoking large amounts of weed.

Minos: How long do you reckon we have before they come back?

Charon: Another day of partying and two to clean up. But this mess, we might need three days.

Minos: Yea. That’s a long time.

Charon: You are completely wasted. How are you supposed to bring order to the dead when you can’t even answer a simple question.

Minos: Who cares about the dead. They’re DEAD.

Charon: That’s what I always said, but it hasn’t gotten me a promotion. I’m so sick of being a goddamn ferryman. If I’d known growing up that all I was going to do was collect coins off people’s eyelids I would have drowned myself in a pile of shit.

Minos: Can’t do it. We’re gods.

Charon: I think if I spent a few hundred years thinking of nothing, I would lose all consciousness, which is the next best thing to dying. I mean, I’ve spent several hundred years thinking of next to nothing and being bored out of my skull, so I should know.

Minos: Yeah, they’re not real talkative on the boat, they don’t get chatty til they get here and realize this is eternity, might as well make the most of it.
(at this point Hermes pops in and looks around, completely in awe. He finally spots Minos and Charon and helps himself to a joint)

Hermes: Looks like I underestimated you boys.

Minos: Hermes? What are you doing here? Oh, god, is he coming back? (he struggles to get up)

Hermes: Nah. Don’t hurt yourself. They’re gone for at least another two days, they’re all going to see the Fates tomorrow. Actually, we’re all, and that includes you two.

Charon: What? We’re lesser gods, as Zeus likes to tell us any time he sees us. Just the bureaucratic cogs that keep this place moving. Nobody thanks us, nobody likes us, and nobody invites us to important things.

Hermes: Until now. Come on, you can get completely trashed at Dionysus’ party later on, right now you have to be presentable for din-din.

Minos: You think we’re crazy? Dinner at Olympus? The last time I went to one of those someone left the hall with a fork in their neck. Those gods are nuts. Fuck off, we’ll come later for the party.

Charon: Yeah, I dunno, we’ve got our own party.

Hermes: (impatient) Look, I don’t really like having to come out here and miss the fun I could be having with my brothers on Olympus. But I’m here now, so I’m going to make myself useful. First, sobriety. (he takes the nearest bottle and dumps it on their heads). Clean up.

Minos: (sobering self) That was unnecessary. I just washed my hair this morning. (he smooths it and it dries at his touch).

Charon: (equally sober) Let me guess, the second thing is to stop this party. (he makes a snap/point gesture and with a loud moan the souls whoosh back to where they are going, the tortured table resumes its form, etc.)

Hermes: Impressive.

Charon: They’re well trained. (three huddling forms remain in front of him) You lot, clean up the rest of this mess and return to your places by morning tomorrow, or when I get back I’ll give you a go on Ixion’s wheel.

Minos: We’re ready, Hermes. Do we get a ride on those magic sandals of yours?

Hermes: Yeah, hold on (he grabs their arms and they disappear. The three souls whimper, look at each other, and start picking up)

SCENE 22:
The lounge. This is a room with curtains and pillows everywhere, giving off the look of a Greek harem with less taste. There are ornate carvings everywhere and chaise lounge chairs scattered everywhere. Most of the furniture is distinctly Grecian or Roman, but a few touches of Scandinavia by way of bearskin rugs and tapestries give the room an unfinished and wholly chaotic look. Presumably this is Zeus’ idea of a comfortable retiring spot, but the rest of the gods find it as unappetizing as we do, and the only thing that makes it tolerable is the forthcoming knowledge of Dionysus-led revelry. The Gods ate dinner and now evening creeps toward the partying hour. There are a number of Oceanids and other lesser gods who hover in the background. Eris and Artemis are deep in conversation.

Eris: Not only did we all survive council, we survived dinner as well. I’m starting to think there’s some miracle going on.

Artemis: Must be. Right now I just want to have a good party and catch up with everybody. I’ll meet up with you later, alright?

Eris: We can’t catch up with people together?

Artemis: We’ve been in each other’s company non-stop for the past 36 hours or something, and I’ve seen you practically every day for the past thousand years. Can I just have some time to myself to catch up with people I don’t see?

Eris: Fine. You don’t have to be snotty about it, you can just ask.

Artemis: I am asking. I’m going to go talk to people. Good. Bye. (walks off, Eris rolls her eyes and sighs angrily. Prometheus notices her and stops)

Prometheus: Trouble in paradise?

Eris: No, just too much time together. I mean, we live together on earth but her hunting runs take her off for a few months at a time, and of course I work during the day.

Prometheus: What are you doing this lifeline?

Eris: I’m a bishop and a theologian. Might even make Pope again if I work at it. Probably not though, the way they make them now they last forever.

Prometheus: You and your churches. Why don’t you just hand the whole thing over the Zeus and let him play? He’d be happy as a clam and stay out of our hair.

Eris: Give it to Zeus? Then we’d have the Inquisition all over again. Look what happened when Ares got involved with things, total disaster, those Crusades. No thanks, I’ve got it all sorted out. How are things with the genetic engineering going?

Prometheus: Very well. It’s kind of funny that when I made humans, I just didn’t think they were that complicated at all, and now I’m learning all of these things about them, and I realize how lucky I was to get them done at all. I’m also learning about other animals, trying to see if their intelligence can be developed in a few hundred thousand years. Dolphins, you know, are a good prospect.

Eris: Going to reform Atlantis, are we?

Prometheus: No, no. Had our fun with that one. But I can’t get too attached to animals with Artemis always running around killing them.

Eris: Old habits are hard to break I suppose. I keep saying it’s a barbaric and utterly useless sport, and that she ought to get a real occupation like everyone else, but she won’t have it. She still wants to go out and hunt elephants or catch rare parrots or whatever ridiculous thing she thinks is good this week. It’s a constant point of argument. Funny how we’ve only been here a day and the arguments have started already.

Prometheus: It’s a large building but a small home.

(Eris nods knowingly. By now most of the gods have settled in to various groups, which are all chatting away. Persephone is talking to Demeter and Eilithea; Hades with Hephaestus and Poseidon; Eros and Psyche with Hestia; Athena with Zeus and Hebe; Minos and Charon with Nathaniel and Cephallenia; Heracles, Ares, Apollo, Dionysus, and Hermes with Artemis; Aphrodite with Hera.
Persephone: The boys are looking antsy, I suppose I should send Cephallenia to bed, or at least to another room.

Demeter: Why? She’s old enough not to be shocked by anything we do.

Eilithea: And if you send her away, most likely Nathaniel will get sent away, and they’re apt to get into more trouble alone.

Persephone: I doubt Poseidon would enforce restrictions upon his son. It’s so hard to tell what’s right, we’ve kept her so cooped up in Hades. It wasn’t really my idea, I always meant to have her travel, but we get so busy there.

Demeter: You just have to accept that she’s growing up, it’s not as though you were that much older when Hades met you for the first time.

Persephone: Well… I suppose you’re right. It’s so pathetic that I haven’t seen you guys in two hundred years at the very least, and now all I can talk about is my kid that I see every day! Have I always been this boring?

Eilithea: You’re not boring, Perse. It’s just difficult for all of us to find common ground anymore, it seems like everyone is off somewhere else, and… relations between some of the gods have gotten rather… clubby.

Demeter: What do you mean, Eilithea?

Eilithea: Well, like with those Grismas celebrations you guys are going on about, I never got invited to one, and it’s my own mother who started them up.

Persephone: I don’t think she meant to exclude you, I’m sure she just feels that you prefer to be here rather than earth. If it makes you feel better, I’ve invited people to Hades since I got married and the only person who comes is mum.

Demeter: It’s not that creepy once you get used to it. You’re right, though, Eilithea. We’ve always had our preferences for company, but things have gotten more pronounced since we’ve been away on earth for so long. I truly wish we could heal up all the rifts between gods, but the best we can do is tolerating everyone’s company for a few days.

Eilithea: I guess. I just feel totally left out because you’ve all had these wild experiences living on earth and have all these customs and knowledge, it just seems like I’ve been wasting my time. A thousand years, and what do I have to show for it? I can’t even get Hermes to be nice to me in the morning.

Demeter: It’s never too late to come down to earth and start with the lifelines. Any of us would be happy to show you how.

Eilithea: Yeah, well, I might have to come to earth with dad. I don’t know. I’ll decide after we talk to the Fates, like everyone else, I expect.

Persephone: You can always come to Hades just for awhile, to make up your mind.

Demeter: Why don’t you and Hades just admit that that place can run itself without you and it won’t kill you to spend a few months here on earth being part of the family?

Persephone: My home is in Hades. I’ve never wanted to be on earth.

Demeter: This isn’t about home and happiness anymore, Persephone. The gods are called to earth in one way or another, you will be expected to do your duty, and I imagine you might even learn to enjoy it. You’re becoming as antisocial as he is.

Persephone: He’s not antisocial. Just because he doesn’t like to chat about the weather or whatever else stupid things that people say just to say, doesn’t mean he’s unappreciative of real conversation.

Eilithea: He does seem to have gotten a lot more talkative with Cephallenia around. That must have helped, childbirth usually does.

Persephone: (grateful look) Of course, your godhead does wonders. It’s the part about letting go of your grown up children that’s hard.

Demeter: Which is why you should leave Cephallenia to enjoy herself tonight. However she sees fit.

(switch to Hades, Hephaestus, and Poseidon, who are not as interested in children)
Hades: I’m telling you, I haven’t had a good bottle of wine in four hundred years. The cooks in Hades really are the damned. It’s like they take the lesser gods, they pick out the ones who can’t buckle their own sandals, and they send them down to me.

Poseidon: I supposedly have the entire host of Oceanids at my beck and call, but I’m damned if I can get any of them to do anything. You tell them to keep watch over some river or other, and they run away to Portugal to marry a German painter. I mean the ones up here are so inbred that they literally think of themselves as the serving class, but the other lesser gods are just a handful.

Hades: Tell me about it. Minos and Charon are a pair of fireworks, I have to keep the two of them separated or God knows what they would do. Reorganize the entire place, I’m sure, I would be totally out of a job. Although truth to tell I think they’d both like to pack up and head to earth with you lot. Some days I’ve even considered it myself. I mean, I always tell myself we can’t get away, we can’t get away, but this vacation is the best I’ve felt in years.

Hephaestus: You should come to earth and try a lifeline. It’s very engaging.

Poseidon: Better yet find a nice patch of the world to start up a good business and settle down to raise your family. Now that Nathaniel’s fully grown I’m seriously considering having a daughter. I think the world needs a female version of me: brilliant, lazy, and tan.

Hades: I don’t think Cephallenia is very much like either Persephone or myself. Maybe more like Persephone before she came to Hades. When she was full of life and always the center of attention. My perfect compliment.

Poseidon: As opposed to now?

Hades: I guess we’ve both just gotten older and more focused on Ceph. I feel like I’m growing steadily more extroverted and she’s becoming a hermit. It’s like you think you know a woman, and then a couple hundred years down the line you wake up and think, who is sharing this bed with me?

Poseidon: I wonder that every morning I wake up with someone, but I’ve only known them a couple hours.

Hephaestus: I’m the last person to give you advice on marriage, my friend. Maybe you should talk to Prometheus or Heracles.

Hades: Prometheus. He’s happy as a clam. He and Hestia were always of the same mind about everything, they were made for each other. Like Eros and Psyche, except you can stand to be around them as a couple.

Poseidon: But Hephaestus makes a good point about Heracles. He’s been rather sequestered with his wife, and he always has this look on his face like he’s desperate to go out and play with the boys. I think he probably feels like his personality is getting sucked away between Hebe and her father, or if he doesn’t feel that way he should, because it is.

Hades: Olympus, the colony of leeches. You lot were smart to get out while you could.

Hephaestus: The same is true of anywhere, though. I lived in Tartarnyx for many years but it was just another case of small town politics. You have to go to earth and live in Rio for a few years, ten million people makes a big difference.

Hades: Ten million people? That’s like an entire circle of Hades. Well, probably not, there are so many souls there I stopped counting ages ago, but that’s a lot of people. It must be enormous. How do you get around if you can’t transmigrate?

Poseidon: Car, tube, you saw the cars at my hotel didn’t you?

Hades: Yeah, but… ten million. Well, I’ve got to see that. If for nothing else, I’ll come to earth to see ten million people in one city.

(switch to Eros, Psyche and Hestia)
Eros: I can feel people starting to fight already. It’s going to be a long night at this rate.

Psyche: It’s probably just everyone letting off steam. Things will be back to normal in the morning, no more arguments.

Hestia: I hope you’re right. I’m feeling a bit antsy myself. That could just be Eris in a bad mood, though, her emotions spread faster and farther than anyone I know.

Eros: She doesn’t mean to influence everyone else, though. It just happens.

Psyche: I wouldn’t mind being able to influence people without trying, though. Think of how happy you and I would make them, if they could feel our vibes.

Eros: Sorry, Hestia. We’re bad company, we know. It’s a miracle that any of you put up with us anymore. Thousands of years after meeting and we’re still giddy as schoolkids.

Psyche: At least we never have to feel guilty around you, Hestia, because your marriage is as strong as ours.

Hestia: Yes, but we have to work at it. It’s not just automatically perfect.

Eros: You have enough love for each other to make things work.

Hestia: Love, and patience. And flexibility and compromise. Love alone doesn’t mean terribly much, I’m sorry to insult you, but look at Aphrodite and Ares. They love each other, but they couldn’t have a good relationship even if they were free to have one.

Psyche: So true. I just feel so blessed to not even have to worry about that anymore. I mean, we’re just so comfortable in our relationship, we don’t even need anything else. Although, we should try harder to act like we do, it’s very unfriendly of us.

Eros: I agree. We should make our friends feel as valued and appreciated as each other.

Hestia: We will all be seeing a lot of each other over the next few months, I imagine. I think it would make the other gods feel a little better if you were less consumed with each other.

Psyche: Consumed with each other? I didn’t realize we were. Or that the other gods resented us.

Hestia: Oh, I’m sorry. I just meant that, you know, some of the other gods have mentioned that you are always together and always talking about your relationship. It sometimes feels as though you aren’t really concerned with what goes on around you.

Eros: We are very concerned about the others, and I think we let that show, especially by being here. We weren’t even properly invited, so we can go back, if we’re so horrid to be around.

Hestia: I didn’t say that, just that you could tone certain things down. It’s just a comment, I’m not passing judgment on you for eternity.

Psyche: Well, thank goodness, if you’re saying we should be sequestered away from everyone else. I just never knew you were this vindictive, Hestia. How long have you been saving this up?

Hestia: What are you talking about?

Eros: You were purposefully attacking us, and now you’re trying to deny it?

Hestia: (at a complete loss for words) You completely misconstrue my intentions. I’m very sorry. I’m going to step away before this becomes even more muddled.

(switch to Athena, Zeus, and Hebe)
Athena: Greece is no longer the center of culture that it once was. Still a nice place, but not economically or politically very influential.

Zeus: And this America is.

Athena: Yes, although of course with the joining of the European countries into the Union, we stand a strong chance of competing with them for supremacy. Economically Japan and southeast Asia are still a threat.

Zeus: Wars are fought with money these days?

Athena: Well… yes. For the most part. It is the prevailing sign of power, to be economically advanced. It’s not about military might anymore. I’ve always thought it curious that we never had a Godhead fully devoted to economic concerns. It’s more like parts of them are, Demeter’s I suppose, and Hermes’.

Zeus: And mine.

Athena: Of course.

Hebe: I don’t think I would like America very much. It sounds very big and very different from what I’m used to.

Athena: The world has changed a great deal in the thousand years since you graced its surface.

Hebe: I wouldn’t know, I’ve been faithful to my father.

Athena: One does not need to hide inside Olympus to be true to the King of the Gods. I have been preparing the earth for him, which I would say is a significant responsibility.

Hebe: Well, I’m glad you’ve managed to get it done right. It obviously kept you so busy you couldn’t visit.

Zeus: Hebe, calm yourself. Athena has explained the nature of her long absence to me.

Hebe: I’ve never had to explain anything, because I’ve always been quite obvious with where my loyalty is.

Athena: I certainly don’t think anyone ever thought that I was less than devoted to my father.

Hebe: Maybe they didn’t say it to your face.

Athena: I hardly concern myself with gossip. I find it uncivilized.

Hebe: So you haven’t heard the rumor that your love for Zeus is somewhat rivaled by your love for Apollo.

Athena: I have no love for him or that kind of love for any creature. I am a virgin goddess, I do not indulge in the weakness of the flesh.

Hebe: I’m so glad to hear that. I’ll go reassure Apollo on that point, I think he’s rather worried about you getting drunk and trying it on with him.

Athena: I do not indulge in alcoholic binges and… father, tell her to leave me alone.

Zeus: (disappointed that Athena cannot defend herself) Hebe, run along and torture someone else.

Hebe: Is that all I am to you, after all my years of care and consideration? Just someone to be cast aside whenever one of your precious Olympians comes home? I sacrificed all of my friends for you, and this is my thanks. Fine. (turns away and leaves to commiserate with Eilithea)

Athena: A singularly unbalanced girl.

Zeus: And you, the Goddess of wisdom, cannot even finish an argument with her?

Athena: What?

Zeus: I am not used to having to mediate in petty arguments between the Gods, I had thought you were adult enough to take care of yourself. Apparently I was mistaken in that assumption. (he steps away to speak with the boys. Athena, near tears, sits down on the ground and tries to regain her self-control. Aphrodite and Hera are deep in conversation)

Aphrodite: It’s marvelous.

Hera: It’s interesting, anyway. There are a great many unhappy faces already, the fights have begun. Be funny to find out who ends up in whose bed tonight. You know, just for comforting a friend.

Aphrodite: Of course, that’s all I’ll be doing tonight.

Hera: Speaking of Sin, how is the magazine?

Aphrodite: Awesome, the revenue stream is doing numbers I’ve never seen before, I’m invited to all of the important parties, celebrities on the cover, can’t complain. In fact, I think I have more money than you for the first time EVER.

Hera: I’m young in this lifeline, I just started it about eight years ago while she was in her teens. Back at the bank, though. I’m trying to sort out the accounting department, they’re so disgustingly careless and bizarre.

Aphrodite: And dishonest.

Hera: I should hope so. What do you think I’m paying them for? I tell you, it’s really difficult, though, because I’ve got an assistant whose desk is in my office, cause I’m only a junior, and so she’s breathing over me ten hours a day. So I’m having to sit there and schedule onto my calendar, things like ‘go to the bathroom’ or ‘drink some water’ so she doesn’t notice that I’m not a human.

Aphrodite: I know, I have the same problem. It’s like I hardly ever eat, because obviously people on a fucking fashion mag have anorexia, and there’s no food around. But the bathroom part is the worst, because all human women think they have to go in groups, so you’re in there with two other people, in the stall, just faking this pee noise.

Hera: Yeah. I actually reformed my digestive track so I can at least perform those functions when I have to, no faking noises.

Aphrodite: Oh, yeah? I hadn’t thought of that. I guess it is possible. I mean, we can look like anyone we want. Interesting, but you’re always one step ahead of everyone else about these things.

Hera: Thank you, my dear. I try. I’ve found it makes the human experience even more believable to me, and more challenging. I mean, I still can’t make myself hungry or have to actually expel what I eat and drink in a timely manner, but at least I can get the general idea. Like we don’t have to sleep, but we can.

Aphrodite: You can sleep for real? Not just a repose? How the hell can you sleep?

Hera: It’s a matter of splitting the consciousness. You have to sort of concentrate on setting part of your mind aside for doing things involuntarily, like breathing. And you can create a sort of pseudo-subconscious that will take over if you want to rest your active mind, it’s very relaxing. I adore it, but I never have enough time for it. And if you do it long enough, you start to dream.

Aphrodite: I’m so jealous, I want to dream. How do you dream?

Hera: Well, that part’s a bit harder. I actually learned how to do it reading Athena’s work when she was Jung a few years back. (she glances to Athena as she gestures, and sees that Athena is still sitting on the floor near tears. Athena has heard her name and looks at Hera with a particularly hurt expression that makes Hera visibly recoil. She calls out) Athena, could I have your advice on something? (Athena looks to say something nasty and then gets up and creeps over)

Athena: Yes.

Hera: I was trying to explain to Aphrodite how we can get ourselves to sleep and dream, and I was saying that I figured out about dreaming from your work as Jung, but I can’t possibly describe it to her, so I thought perhaps you could.

Athena: It’s a matter of symbols and (she is completely overrun by tears. Hera snaps a curtain shut before anyone else can see them and stands up, pulling Athena down to cry on her shoulder. After a second Athena pulls away) Why are you being so nice to me?

Hera: You have to let it go sometime. (we are not sure if she is referring to herself or Athena. Probably both. Athena breaks down completely, and Hera and Aphrodite stroke her hair kindly).

Aphrodite: Do you know, there are times I want to rip out Zeus’ vocal chords.

Hera: What good would it do? He would just write on the walls. Athena, do you want us to take you to your room, or do you want to stay here.

Athena: I don’t care.

Aphrodite: Then we’ll stay here. The boys can wait. (petting Athena) Shall I tell you a story about three Goddesses who entered a beauty contest after a particularly dull wedding? (Athena smiles faintly, Hera smiles broadly).

Hera: That’s one of my favorites, I should like to hear your version of that. (teasingly) What I would really like is a rematch where you can’t cheat so that I can rightfully win.

Aphrodite: Oh, not very likely. But anyway, like all tragic endings, our story begins with Eris getting pissed off…

(switch to Minos, Charon, Nathaniel, and Cephallenia)
Minos: And when we heard a voice behind us, we practically lost it, I thought I was going to curl up and die.

Charon: It was, however, just Hermes.

Minos: Just Hermes. So he’s all impressed that we managed to throw a proper party in Hades.

Cephallenia: I wish I’d been there to see it. It would be nice to just drink and smoke in the living room instead of having to run off into some storage closet.

Charon: Since when have you been smoking and drinking?

Cephallenia: Never, I meant, drinking nectar.

Charon: (laughing) You don’t have to worry about me. But I see what I’m missing being up on that damn boat.

Minos: You spend all day caked off your head on something when you’re on that boat.

Charon: Why not? It’s not like my job requires quick thinking.

Nathaniel: And you’re not afraid of Hades catching you?

Charon: He never checks up on me. Not like Minos, who he’s always popping in for a chat.

Minos: I just try to maintain a good working relationship with my superior.

Charon: You’re an ass kisser.

Nathaniel: You two should have your own television show.

Cephallenia: We don’t have a television set. Dad thinks it would ruin my education.

Nathaniel: He’s right. But that’s why it’s good. I mean, he probably thinks drinking and smoking aren’t too good for you either. My dad, on the other hand, started giving me wine with meals after my mother moved out when I was about fifty years old. I guess one lush in the family wasn’t enough.

Minos: You don’t get along with your father?

Nathaniel: Oh, no, we get along great. I mean, it’s more like having a big brother than a dad, and I guess that’s the problem. I know it sounds really masochistic, but it would be nice to have someone just give me some rules for once.

Charon: You’ve come to the right place. Nobody does rules like Zeus.

Cephallenia: He’s frightening. And I think he hates me.

Minos: Nah. He’s just not very friendly unless he thinks he can get something out of you. In a few years, though, he’ll be hitting on you.

Cephallenia: That’s disgusting.

Nathaniel: Eww, boys.

Cephallenia: I don’t hate boys. But he’s not a boy, he’s an old man, and he’s my grandfather.

Minos: An old man. So I guess Charon and I are just middle aged.

Charon: No, we’re ancient. We’re so old we left a kicking party to come to a stuffy dinner and what appears to be the waiting room for the amateur dramatics society.

Nathaniel: You mean this is all there is? This is the party?

Minos: I somehow doubt that. I haven’t ever been to a Dionysus party, but I think this is just the calm before the storm.

Cephallenia: I hope so. I desperately need a rum and Coke.

Charon: They don’t have Coke on Olympus, you’ll have to settle for root beer.
(they all give him an ‘ewwww’ look.

Switch to the boys’ group, which now consists of the four, Heracles, Artemis, and Zeus)
Artemis: I still think the best trick I ever played was when Actaeon caught me in a stream and I turned him into a deer. Fine hunting from his hounds, ha!

Apollo: Let’s see, that was punishment for what again?

Ares: I think it was for seeing her ugly naked body.

Hermes: Yea, I think seeing it must have been punishment enough.

Dionysus: Being ripped apart by his hounds was probably a relief.

Artemis: You lot are complete pigs.

Zeus: It’s a serious matter, though, humans seeing the Gods in a vulnerable state.

Heracles: Being caught naked isn’t as bad as being caught it women’s clothing, though, ruined my reputation for years!

Dionysus: Yes, but you look so cute in the little ruffle front thingies. Although white linen was never your color, you should try pink.

Apollo: You ought to come to earth, you can make a living dressing up as women now.

Heracles: Is that so?

Ares: I don’t think he could pull off the heels though.

Artemis: We should teach him the words to ‘I Will Survive’ just in case.

Zeus: Apparently you’ve learned the truly important aspects of living on earth.

Hermes: I’d really like to know what Hera and Aphrodite are getting up to with that curtain closed.

Dionysus: It can’t be anything too good, Aph really likes it when people watch.

Apollo: I thought that Athena went over to them. But I don’t hear any sounds of bloodshed.

Ares: Now that I’d like to watch.

Zeus: I don’t like the idea of any of these curtains closed, this is supposed to be an open get together. (calling out) Aphrodite. (after a second her head pops out of the curtain)

Aphrodite: What?

Zeus: What are you getting up to?

Aphrodite: Nothing. (she closes the curtains for a second, and then reappears and comes out of them) Just girl talk.

Zeus: With Hera.

Aphrodite: Yes.

Zeus: And Athena?

Aphrodite: Yes. So when are we going to have something worth partying over, Dionysus? I’m afraid I’m pretty disappointed so far.

Dionysus: I haven’t started yet!

Hermes: Exactly. What’s keeping you?

Ares: We demand a good party this instant!

(Dionysus shrugs and claps his hands, the lights dim to black lights, house music begins and various lesser gods of both sexes with glow sticks jump on chairs and begin to dance. A few gymnastic types wearing chains and collars run in and do slightly perverse tumble runs and pretzel their bodies, etc. Waiters literally juggling bottles and glasses come along and refill drinks and hand over fresh glasses, etc. People breathing fire share floor space with inline skaters doing tricks and wrestlers. Many of the lesser gods change form every other minute or so to confuse things even more. The entire effect is a complete lack of attention span. At the noise the curtain behind opens and Hera and Athena, looking collected, come down and join the crowd which has now gathered around Dionysus.

Heracles: Now this is what I call a party.

Hera: What, Dionysus, no dance of the seven veils?

Dionysus: Well, for you darling… (he jumps up on a chair and begins a trashy striptease. The other gods are highly amused. Demeter comes up to Aphrodite)

Demeter: I don’t suppose anyone thought to bring any ecstasy with them.

Aphrodite: Shit, I totally forgot about mind-altering substances. Another thing that hasn’t quite made it to Olympus.

Charon: (overhearing) But it has made it to Hades. (he whips out an impressive assortment of pills, powders, and greenery).

Aphrodite: Charon, I haven’t seen you since the beginning of time. Aren’t you prepared? (she makes a good show of choosing a pill and gives him a thank you kiss. Demeter selects another pill and kisses his cheek for thanks while Poseidon, Hera, Nathaniel, Ares, Apollo, Eris, and Artemis all gather around for pickings. Minos takes his own greenery out.)

Minos: Does anyone know how to make a bong out of a wine bottle?

Nathaniel: You can borrow mine (hands a small water pipe over).

Poseidon: (boredly) Drugs are bad, son. (to Charon) Have you got any Vicodin?

Dionysus: (who having stripped off completely jumps down and joins them, to Hera) You didn’t watch the best bit.

Hera: Sorry, distracted by the possibility of something that will make this party downright tolerable. I do hope he doesn’t run out of E. I’m not tripping in this mess.

Dionysus: Why didn’t you tell me you partook? I’ve got some myself.

Hera: Yeah? Can I get some?

Dionysus: Hold on, it’s between my gum… (starts to reach up with his hand)

Hera: There’s an easier way to get it (kisses him). Thanks, you’re a doll.
(Meanwhile, Psyche and Eros look at each other and frown and leave the room. Apollo is dancing with Aphrodite, Eris and Artemis have obviously made up [and out], Poseidon is whispering into Hermes’ ear, Nathaniel is tripping while sitting next to Minos and his bong, Ares is on speed and is wrestling with one of the living props, Zeus is cuddling one of the ex-dancing girls, and Heracles is in a rather intimate laughing conversation with Demeter. If looks could kill, Hebe’s would. She marches over to Charon.)

Hebe: I hear you’ve got something better than alcohol.

Charon: Lots of things. What would you like to feel?

Hebe: Something that will make my husband jealous.

Charon: There really isn’t a pill you can take for that. But if you want to feel a little flirtatious, I’ve just the thing. (he hands her an E, she examines it before shrugging and popping it into her mouth).

Hebe: Thanks. How long does it take?

Charon: On humans, a while, you can speed the process if you just concentrate on it.

Hebe: (thinks, then eyes open wide) Thanks. (Give him very long kiss).
(Athena, who has been looking rather wallflowery, finally gives an inevitable sort of sigh and sits by Minos.)

Athena: Do you have any more acid?

Minos: You… take acid?

Athena: (rolling eyes) I invented it. Originally a mind control drug, remember? Now do you have some, because Charon looks a bit busy.

Minos: Sure. (he pulls some out) Here you go, top grade stuff, but I guess you’d be the judge of that. (he hands it over, she takes it)

Nathaniel: That is so fucked up. You’re like the stodgy one, you can’t take drugs.

Athena: (having sped up the reaction is now tripping) Sorry to disappoint you. Now, get up, we have to go find that light.

Nathaniel: Which light?

Athena: (pointing) That light.

Nathaniel: (eyes round) Dude. (Minos looks about but sees nothing, then again he is baked. Nathaniel and Athena get up and wander about for the rest of the scene, stopping off to stare at things and otherwise totally and completely happy in their own little worlds. Elsewhere, Hestia, Prometheus, Hephaestus, Hades, Cephallenia and Persephone are all talking. The adults are all drinking. Ceph looks at the bottles with interest, unbeknownst to her parents.)

Hestia: Even I have to admit he’s outdone himself, and the last good party I went to was the Grand Opening of a furniture shop.

Hephaestus: Yes, I might be persuaded to have some fun tonight.

Hades: I know the feeling. No harm in kicking back one night of the year.

Persephone: You don’t think it’s a bit loud?

Hades: No, the music’s good. I didn’t realize they could even make music sound like this.

Prometheus: You should come to earth, my friend. I’m more into rock, personally, but this is good for a party.

Hephaestus: I was a big fan of heavy metal, personally. Very sad to see the 80’s go. Grunge isn’t bad either.

Hestia: I can see you liking that. I’m pathetic, I only listen to jazz and new age.

Hephaestus: Old jazz or fusion jazz?

Hestia: Old, mostly. Miles, Ellington, a bit of Gillespie.

Hephaestus: Good stuff, I should burn you a copy of the recording I have from when I was in a jazz club in Harlem in the 20’s.

Hestia: We lived in Harlem in the 20’s.

Hephaestus: (laughing) Never mind then. I should be asking you for things!

Persephone: (to Hades) It’s getting kind of late, don’t you think we should all go to repose for the night?

Hades: It’s fun. We haven’t been out like this in ages. I’m going to stay around awhile.

Cephallenia: I’m not really tired either.

Persephone: (to Hades) I don’t really want to go back to the room alone.

Hades: Then stay here. A little bit of dancing should wake you up.

Persephone: No, I’m not really in the mood for dancing. But you go ahead.

Hades: Okay. Anyone else? Ceph, do you want to come out and dance?

Ceph: Sure.

Hephaestus: Think I’ll wander with you, I have to ask Dionysus something.
(they get up and go)

Persephone: Three hundred years ago I would have loved a party like this. I would have been out on the dance floor all night.

Hestia: You don’t enjoy it anymore?

Persephone: Not really, I’ve started to feel very claustrophobic when there are too many people around. I think I’ve just been too isolated in Hades, new people frighten me.

Prometheus: Why don’t we go out onto the balcony? It’s a little quieter and less busy but we can still get free refills on the wine.

Persephone: Thanks, that’s perfect. (they leave.

Switch to Hades, Ceph, and Heph, who are now over by the other gods. Nothing much has changed except that Ares has given up wrestling the props and is now giving intimate lessons on wrestling to a lesser goddess)

Hades: Well, I guess now isn’t a good time to ask Heracles for marriage advice.

Hephaestus: Or to talk to Dionysus. (spotting the bong) But perhaps Minos might help. (they wander over) Minos, are you carrying? (Minos looks up and almost busts a gut seeing Hades. Hades just cracks up.)

Hades: Come on, man, do you really think I care?

Minos: Uh, well, I.. uhhh… didn’t want to risk your displeasure. But if it’s okay…

Hades: I don’t mind what you do as long as you do your job when it counts. I don’t really do them anymore, (looking at Ceph) and you’re a bit young to start, but Heph wants something.

Minos: Sure, what I didn’t bring Charon did. (looks at Hades again) umm… Hephaestus?

Hephaestus: Do you have morphine?

Minos: Old school. Wow. I don’t, I might have some opium, though. Hold on. (rummages through pockets, pulls a few things out. Hops up, taps on Charon’s shoulder even though Charon is on a chaise with Hebe looking five minutes away from sinful) Charon, do you have any morphine?

Charon: (paying half attention) Do I have any what?

Minos: Morphine.

Charon: No, and I’m a little bit busy at the moment.

Minos: You should get a room for that, her husband can beat up anyone in the universe.

Charon: Not if he’s still humping Demeter.

Minos: Your life, man. (walks over to Dionysus, who is alternating giggles and nibbles with Hera) Dionysus.

Dionysus: (paying less attention) Mmm?

Minos: Do you have morphine?

Dionysus: I didn’t bring any CD’s.

Hera: Then how did you get the DJ sorted?

Dionysus: Lesser music god. Wait, are you talking about music or drugs?

Minos: Drugs.

Dionysus: Oh, right. (feels for pockets) Oh, hell, I haven’t even got any clothes. Try Minos.

Minos: I am Minos. (Hera giggles compulsively)

Hera: Well, who wants morphine anyway? That went out a hundred years ago.

Minos: Hephaestus. And all I have is opium.

Dionysus: Opium’s lovely, give him that. (Minos shrugs and returns to Heph and Hades. Ceph has already swiped a large cocktail and is drinking to make up for lost time)

Minos: Only opium, sorry. Can smoke it with weed if you want. (sitting down on pillows)

Heph: (shrugging and also sitting on floor, after a second Hades sits) If that’s all there is. You have paper?

Minos: Of course, this is a full service house of debauchery.

Hades: Good, then you have enough for me.

Minos: Smoking up with the boss, won’t Charon be jealous when he finds out about this.

Cephallenia: I think he’s pretty happy already.

Hades: Are you drinking?

Cephallenia: Yes.

Hades: Well, good for you. This is a party. (Minos hands each of them a joint and lighter) Good stuff. Very nice. I doubt Persephone would approve, but there you go.

Hephaestus: She’ll get over it. They always do. Where’s mine, anyway? (he scans the area) Apollo, might have known. I wonder what the chances of finding a good Oceanid are, or if Zeus has them all to himself?

Cephallenia: (since she is standing) He’s got three now. One in his lap, one on the arm of the chair, and one… anyway. There are still plenty of other pretty people around.

Hades: Where did Nathaniel go?

Minos: He and Athena are tripping.

Hades: Athena. Is on LSD?

Minos: Yeah, she invented it. Just shows what you know about people.

Hades: Guess so. But with Nathaniel? Do you think she’s like a… kind of a pedophile?

Minos: (slowly) They are tripping. They have about as much sexual interest as a stagnant bog.

Hephaestus: (giggling) All bogs are stagnant, that’s what makes them bogs. (All collapse into laughter. Cephallenia looks down.)

Cephallenia: Well, since you won’t be dancing, da, I’m going off on my own.

Hades: Fine, have fun, send back some Oceanids. (she starts to walk off) Blondes, preferably. (to Hephaestus) Do you like blondes?

Hephaestus: I’m rather partial to redheads.

Hades: Married one. I definitely want a blonde, I hope she remembers.

Minos: (mostly to himself) Just shows what you know about people.

SCENE 23:
The next day. The Gods are trudging along a rather dull patch of yellowed grasses and muddy puddles. Trees rise in twisted chunks, but not very high and not very often. They have made it past the edge of the world and the sun rising and are now passing through the possibilities of the future, which ends up being a very dull landscape enlivened only by the fact that there are twelve suns in the sky, circled out. It does make it very hot, and all of the Gods are wiping their brows and cursing. They obviously carry nothing with them, but have to walk through this odd land and some of them are in less than stellar shape.

Eilithea: Are we there yet?

Zeus: It is hard to say. The way to true Elysium is not visible, it must be stumbled upon.

Eris: Well, how do we know we’re stumbling the right way?

Hades: All ways lead to Elysium. It is a matter of patience, not distance.

Artemis: Easy enough for you to say. I don’t mind the walking but, twelve suns is a bit much.

Demeter: I’m sure we’re getting fabulously tan, though.

Hera: Why don’t we try going over that hill?

Hades: What hill?

Hera: That one, on our right. It looks as though there may be something beyond it.

Zeus: I’ve told you, you can’t see anything until you’re in it.

Poseidon: It can’t hurt to wander off in that direction, there are more trees for shade. (they head to the hill, which is relatively close and one wouldn’t think there could be anything beyond it, but as they crest it they see below them a marble temple complex.
Hera merely gives Zeus a ‘told you so’ expression as they all bounce down the hill and in a disproportionate time they are right up to the door.)

Prometheus: I don’t think we have to petition for five days if it’s the entire Godhood. There’s something in the rules about emergency situations.

Aphrodite: Yet I somehow doubt they’d advertise it. So what do we do, knock or something? (everyone shrugs, there is a door with a large knocker. Apollo, being in the front, knocks. A young woman answers with a very bored look on her face. She has reading glasses perched on the end of her nose and wears a tweed, elbow patched professor’s jacket over a gauzy white greecian robe. On her feet are very modern and flashy sneakers. She is the assistant of the Fates, and her name is Nemesis.

Nemesis: May I help you?

Zeus: The entire Godhood has assembled to request of the Fates an answer to one simple question. We ask their attention before the normal five day waiting period considering the number of busy Gods and Goddesses we bring in our company.

Nemesis: And we’re, what, not busy?

Zeus: We request that our waiting time be waived.

Nemesis: I just don’t understand what makes you so special.

Zeus: It is the entire Godhood.

Nemesis: You’re missing a few Titans, a hundred or so lesser gods, and the host of the half-gods. But you’re close.

Zeus: Are you going to let us in or not?

Nemesis: I’ll think about it. (She looks about to close the door but Eros and Psyche walk forward)

Eros: I would not shut your door on the Pre-Born without the blessing of those you serve.

Psyche: It might be misinterpreted as a hostile gesture. (Nemesis looks scared)

Nemesis: So sorry, didn’t see you two. Come in, all of you, the presentation hall is just right here, make yourselves comfortable, let me tell the ladies.
(The Gods file in. Minos favors Nemesis with a flirtatious smile, which she seems tempted to return – after she has found the Fates, she hurries away.)

Hestia: Nice setup, I think they’ve done the place up since the last I was here.

Ares: You’ve been here, too. Have all of you been here?

Hera: All of you, meaning the first generation Olympians? I suppose we have. It all seems so long ago.

Poseidon: We were here many times during the Titanomachia. There was no desire for any of us to return once that memory had been expunged from our minds.

Zeus: Perhaps not for you. I have been several times since.

Demeter: But none of you younger Gods ever wished to petition the Fates?

Hephaestus: I came to them once.

Hestia: You did? What for?

Hephaestus: It was a private matter. (Those who know his true father understand)

Athena: I did as well. It has been some time, however, and as with the six of you, it seems to be an experience one does not wish to repeat. (Athena is back to being cold and bitchy again, and glares at Hera with an intensity that seems especially hurtful)

Dionysus: Well, we’re here now, might as well make the most of it.

Clotho: And indeed, you should.

Atropo: Perhaps you will.

Lachesis: If you had not already lost the chance.

Together: Welcome to the hall of the Fates and the room of many judgments. Which judgment are you here for?
(The Fates are three women, looking plump and pleased with themselves. Their ages vary though none of them is very haggy, and all three are wearing black gowns. Clotho has a leather jacket, Atropo a flannel shirt, and Lachesis a terry cloth robe. They have no chairs in their hall, so they merely wave their hand to suggest that everyone else sit, and sit they do. There are no pillows, so throughout the scene, the Gods look restless and uncomfortable, and shift position. The Fates stand during the entire scene and keep glancing at the door as though they have more important business elsewhere).

Zeus: I feel that the time is ripe for the Gods to regain their glory on earth and subject humans to the worship that is rightfully ours. Other gods feel less passionately about this, and have asked for your wisdom on the matter.

Clotho: Mighty Zeus calling us wise.

Atropo: How flattering.

Lachesis: We will consider the matter. Who are these Gods that feel differently?

Hera: I speak for the opposing party.

Clotho: What do you speak?

Hera: Simply that the humans are capable of taking care of their own affairs, and should be left to do so. That any interference with them is the height of arrogance on our part and will be resented by humans. We feel that any God undertaking to assert their position should be actively discouraged.

Zeus: They prefer that we should skulk about dressed as humans for playacting.

Clotho: They are living their lives in happiness. Your displeasure in them is a problem you must overcome. There is nothing shameful about the Gods taking their places on earth amongst the mortals.

Atropo: But certainly there should be no question about the Gods taking their place as the authorities over Earth.

Lachesis: There should not be, but there is. We will need to think on this for some time. Please acquaint yourself with our grounds, we are going to our library to hold council.
(They depart. The other gods look at each other, most of them standing up to find more comfortable lodgings.)

Zeus: Well… (he is cut off by the reappearance of the Fates)

Clotho: We have thought the matter out.

Zeus: You just not left us.

Atropo: That is merely how you perceive it.

Lachesis: We see the problem that Hera’s side presents. The humans are not easily swayed by the unknown or unwanted, and will not be apt to worship you after such an absence. Moreover, many of them do have negative feelings about what they believe is a lack of attention from the Gods. Still more would use your appearance toward negative ends such as the taking of power and the making of wars. None of these things would serve our purposes.

Clotho: So you would be wise not to engage in them. We will not stop you, because it is amongst yourselves that you must find your discipline.

Atropo: We are not peacemakers and mediators, we do not answer the squabbles of the Gods. We advise you to go back to your lives, go back to your jobs, or go back to Olympus. Do not attempt to seduce the humans.

Clotho: But know you that a war between Gods is a traitor’s war, and will be heavily sanctioned. Even if you are trying to stop others from going against our will.

Hera: So we are damned if we do, and damned if we don’t.

Lachesis: Hardly, Hera. We have told you that our judgments are their own punishments and rewards, you need hardly back up our word once it is given. Leave justice to us.

Hera: Some forms of justice are considered overdue.

Clotho: And that to which you refer is coming quickly.

Atropo: Your patience will have its end, but you will not be the one to give it.

Lachesis: Have faith in us, dear friends. Or, if you do not, then you will face our wrath. Go now. (she waves her hand and they fizzle out, sent back to Olympus. The three turn to each other and then look at their Nemesis.)

Clotho: I think that Minos likes you.

Nemesis: I’m sure he was just trying to get you to see them faster.

Atropo: Perhaps you should take a vacation. Do a little gathering of information for us.

Nemesis: Then it wouldn’t actually be a vacation, would it?

Lachesis: Use whatever word suffices. Go and have business and pleasure, Nemesis.
(Nemesis bows deeply)

Nemesis: I’m sure I will find much business to give me pleasure. It appears that both Zeus and Hera were told that which they least wanted to hear. (she winks and is gone)

SCENE 24:
Olympus. The front gates. It is a grand building from the front, with fine defensive gates even though no one has ever tried them. Some Gods look relieved, others angry. Still more are confused.

Hera: Well, this is where we part company. Husband, children, always an experience to see you, and I wish you well on your endeavors, wherever they take you. As to the other Gods, I’m sure I will be in the usual communication with you.

Athena: Or lack of communication. Now that you cannot get what you want, I doubt you will be so eager to be friendly with us.

Hera: Do you challenge my integrity?

Athena: I merely suggest that politicking will get you nowhere now. You heard the Fates, it is out of our hands. Or do you think you can escape their anger?

Hera: I am leaving for Earth, to go back to my job, which suffers while I am away. As you state, there is nothing left for us to do together, we may as well all go our separate ways. (She disappears, Poseidon taps Nathaniel on the shoulder and they disappear)

Apollo: So it’s all just good-bye then?

Prometheus: We have accomplished what we came here for. There is really little need to linger. (He and Hestia give some hugs and disappear, Hephaestus, Eros & Psyche go)

Dionysus: Not even I’m in the mood for a party, brother. See ya around. I might have a video I want you to star in. (He slaps some backs and then disappears)

Aphrodite: It’s been fabulous, kids, let’s do it again some millenia. (she kisses a few and goes)

Persephone: It’ll be good to be home.

Hades: Yeah, I guess. Minos, Charon, ready?

Cephallenia: So we can’t go to earth?

Hades: Perhaps you can in a few days for a visit. We’ll talk about it. Bye everybody.

(they go, Apollo turns to Artemis)

Apollo: So everyone’s just going to go without talking about this, without anything?

Artemis: You were there, bro. It didn’t sound like the Fates intended us to have much to discuss. It’s over, let’s get back to real life. Or pretend actor life, as the case may be.

Eris: It was good to see you, okay? Come around soon. (they disappear)

Demeter: Well, it was good to see everyone. If you don’t want to go back just yet, Apollo, I know a great little café in Paris that’s always worth a stop.

Apollo: That’s a good thought. Bye, guys. I’ll try to visit Olympus more, father.

Zeus: You will have no need. We will come to Earth.

Apollo: You’re going to try the lifelines thing?

Zeus: No, we intend to be worshipped. A simple shake of the finger of the Fates will not bend me from my purpose. They were courteous to not hurt your feelings, you who would protect the humans, but clearly they felt that our positions are ours to regain.

Apollo: I see. I will not stop you, because that is not my place. Good luck to all of you.
(He and Demeter go.)

Zeus: What do you wait on, Ares, do you not wish to go back to your mother?

Ares: Not really. It occurs to me that the Fates said that our worship would lead to war. Now, there hasn’t been a proper war on earth in about fifty years, so I’m a bit… excited about that prospect. I think I might just join you after all.

Athena: How do we know that you are not a spy for your mother?

Ares: Why would I risk the double dissatisfaction of the Fates? Besides, you didn’t seem so suspicious of my mother last night.

Athena: I was cajoled into thinking she… anyway, it does not matter. She was trying to get me on her side, and I figured that out before I was tempted.

Hebe: So, does this mean that all of us have to go to Earth?

Zeus: Of course, our duties are there.

Hebe: But shouldn’t one of us stay around Olympus, just in case, people stop by or something? I mean, it might be a useful headquarters.

Zeus: We go to Earth. All of us. Athena has a place that will become our working quarters. Come. (they disappear. Nemesis steps out of some shadows with a wicked smile on her face).