SCENE 9
(switch to the beach, where the early birds are converging onto the scene. Poseidon is on his chair on the sand, wearing a red with green polka dot polo with pink towel. Dionysus is stretched out along the sand, wearing only a silver thong. Hera is off to one side, talking on a cel phone. Charon and Minos are sitting on the sand rolling joints. Aphrodite is lying half in the water, Ares is standing in the water holding a surfboard, looking at the waves)

Poseidon: Get off the damned phone, Hera.

Hera: It’s an important call, you cunt.

Poseidon: Fuck off.

Minos: The love is getting to me already.

Charon: You need your fucking spliff this morning, Pos. A little early for you?

Poseidon: I always get up this early, actually. I’m an early riser now, sad to say.

Aphrodite: If I lived on a beach I would never sleep. I wouldn’t get anything done, though, it would be a total bore.

Dionysus: Getting nothing done is the most important thing to get done, if you ask me.

Ares: And no one did, so go back to sleep you bastard.

Dionysus: You’re a little bitch this morning as well. Like mother, like son.

Hera: (hanging up phone) Honestly, I was trying to get business done.

Poseidon; It’s Christmas, Hera. It can wait.

Hera: But the airline fell through, I need another merger. I can’t live without mergers, they inhabit me.

Aphrodite: When’s the last time you had sex? (Hera throws a piece of wood at her and crawls over to the drugworks.)

Minos: There’s nothing wrong with being excited about your work.

Ares: Especially when it means we’re not merging with that damn airline. I told you it was crap.

Hera: You’re right, then. But you are right, Aph, it’s vacation. So everyone’s getting in today, then?

Poseidon: Sounds like. Eros and Psyche might be tomorrow, and Hephaestus wasn’t sure, working too hard again.

Aphrodite: Tragedy.

Ares: We miss him so.

Dionysus: Oh, he’s not so bad. If he found someone to bone he’d be a great guy.

Minos: I don’t think it would change him that much, he’s not a real talkative guy.

Charon: Yeah, instead of sitting around glaring at everyone, he would sit around and ogle everyone. It would be like having two Hermes, only one of them would know when to shut up.

Minos: Surprised he’s not about yet, I thought he would be in early for the one day family shagging record.

Poseidon: He’s looking for Demeter, Apollo insinuated he should take his time about it.

Hera: Lord, he’s got his panties in a bunch about it. He doesn’t want to fuck her, he fucks her, he doesn’t want to get her pregnant, now he wants to move a fucking mountain just to find her. Leave poor Herms alone. If that’s what it is, I’ll call him.

Poseidon: Who? Apollo or Hermes?

Hera: Herms! … Where are you?… yeah, well, fuck it. Apollo’s not here but he can fuck off, it’s his job, he can borrow the damn sandals if it means so much to him. He’s always on about his unrequited love for who-the-fuck-ever anyway, what’s he so razzed about, anyway?… yeah… I’ll bet you can’t, I’ll bet it takes you five…
(She cuts off as Hermes appears. They all appear impressed as Hermes suavely closes up his phone and sits down on the sand)

Hermes: Hello all. Lovely morning, this.

Minos: That was quite good.

Ares: Im-fucking-pressed! I need to get those sandals, man.

Aphrodite: They’d probably give you ingrown toenails.

Dionysus: Eww! So how’s the whoring, Herms?

Hermes: She’s nowhere to be found, I can’t be bothered anymore. It’s Apollo’s thing, let him worry. He’s so fucking busy dressing up like Genghis Khan.

Charon: He’s not doing a movie about Genghis Khan.

Hermes: He is, mate. Not making it up. Complete fucking joke.

Poseidon: I love him as much as anyone, but it’s a bit crap, always doing these historical roles where he knows the person involved. I mean, that was you, wasn’t it Ares?

Ares: In the flesh. It’ll be nice to see him wish he could be me.

Hera: Well he didn’t do a very good job with Magellan. And he had a lot of fucking nerve doing that, too, when I went through so much crap with that one.

Minos: I thought he was alright, but the script on that was terrible.

Charon: They’re all terrible. He has fifty-two PhDs and can do brain surgery with a sharp stick, but he wants to make Hollywood blockbusters written by horny thirty-year-olds. It’s pathetic.

Apollo: Well, good morning to all of you. (They all start and look guilty, desperately trying to figure out how much of the conversation he’s heard. Almost all of it, as it happens, but he doesn’t let on other than being more morose than he already is)

Aphrodite: Hello, sexy, you look a bit down.

Apollo: Just worried about Dem. Find anything, Hermes?

Hermes: Can’t say I have.

Apollo: And no one’s heard from her?

Hera: For god’s sake, Apollo, she’s a grown god, I think she can manage without your guidance for a few days. She’s just had a tiff and she’ll go off and feel sorry for herself for however many months, and then she’ll get tired of talking to herself all day and come back and tell all of us how crap we are and that we really ought to treat her better so she wouldn’t have to go off and feel sorry for herself.

Ares: A-fucking-men.

Dionysus: We’re not going to let any pregnant tart ruin our party, this is Christmas fucking eve!

Poseidon: That’s tomorrow, Dio, go back to sleep and you’ll wake up for it.

Apollo: I just feel like it’s all my fault.

Hera: It is. You’ll get over it. Pos, why is your naked son climbing up the wall of the hotel? (they all look. Nate has screwed up his dimensions and is trying to get back into the hotel after materializing on the roof of the building)

Poseidon: I really don’t know. It would be quite nice to know, since I’m sure it’s rather funny, but since I don’t, I think I’ll just pretend he isn’t there.

Aphrodite: Oh, you know why alright. I wonder if he just got caught, or has just escaped the evil eye of Persephone.

Dionysus: He wouldn’t be crawling outside if he got caught, I mean, if you’re in trouble you just walk out the hall.

Minos: Good point. But the question is, how did he get there in the first place? If I’m not mistaken, Cephallenia’s room is near the family bunker, which is on the other side of the building.

Poseidon: It is, that’s one of the reasons I’m trying to ignore it all.

Apollo: You’re all very fucking good at ignoring it, aren’t you? Anything that might be a little inconvenient, and you’re all so fucking busy all of a sudden. Maybe he needs some fucking help, did you think about that, or are you just going to fucking laugh when he falls off the building? Some fucking father you are. (he turns and runs off, toward the hotel)

Charon: Well, I guess he heard that bit about the shitty scripts after all.

Ares: What a nutbag. I mean, Jesus. (to Aph) Can’t you just fuck him so he’ll chill out? I mean, that’s obviously not enough for him, but maybe you can pretend you’re passionately in love with him.

Hera: Tell him you’ll divorce Hephaestus. You were going to do that anyway, right?

Aphrodite: What the fuck am I supposed to do about unrequited love? I mean, it’s not as if we haven’t shagged before, and if he’s still so mentally twisted there’s not a lot I can do now.

Dionysus: He’s just projecting, dear. He thinks he’s in love with you because he’s actually in love with himself, and he’s able to use you as a surrogate because he can claim that you only lust but never can return feelings of potent love.

Minos: If I looked like that, I’d be in love with myself, too.

Charon: I think I love myself that much, but it isn’t a physical thing.

Poseidon: The point is that he’s fixating on you, Aphrodite, and he won’t be decent for company until you go and run him out. So go do that voodoo that you do do, and we can be rid of the moody cunt for awhile.

Aphrodite: (getting up and glaring at all of them) Nice of you all to vote me in for it. (to Hera) Why can’t you go? Maybe he’d like someone different, I’ll bet you haven’t fucked him in five hundred years.

Hera: Never have.

Aphrodite: (understanding something) Oh, that surprises me. I thought you’d been quite busy in Olympus.

Hera: Not hardly. I was a faithful little twerp until Herms over here got the better of me, and then there was the thing with Minos, which was scandalous with him being a human and that, or sort of a human, a lesser god anyway. What were you?

Minos: I was a lesser god but no one actually knew that at the time. They had to wait until I didn’t die to figure it out.

Hera: Oh, right. Yes, well, then you ended up getting shipped off to Hades when Zeus got a wind on. Fucking lucky he never suspected Hermes.

Hermes: Too right. I don’t think he could have done much, though, I’ve been in everyone’s pants.

Hera: Yeah. But that’s it for gods, you know, until last year that party with Dio, eh?

Dionysus: And you’ve never come crawling back for more, you tight little bitch. Was I too much man for you?

Hera: (acceding) You’ve got me.

Poseidon: I haven’t got him, though, and I’ve been waiting for a damn long time.

Dionysus: Have you? You need to speak up, I thought I was just too butch for you.

Ares: Dio, if you’re butch, I’m Rambo.

Charon: Aren’t you Rambo?

Ares: No. That’s a made-up character.

Charon: I thought you wrote it, though.

Ares: I don’t write. Writing is for people with more than five brain cells. I have four.

Minos: You’ve got three, you lose one-fourth of all brain cells by steady drug use.

Ares: Is that right? Time to quit the speed, then.

Dionysus: I’m very hurt that no one thinks I’m butch.

Poseidon: You’re butcher than I am, if that helps.

Charon: I love you, Poseidon, but the tooth fairy is butcher than you are.

Minos: She’s a crazy little fucker, when you think about it. Taking all those kids’ money, that’s not necessary.

Hera: What, she’s supposed to get people’s nasty unwashed teeth from the kindness of her own heart?
(Hebe and Eilithea have arrived and walk onto the beach)

Eilithea: I’m sure I don’t want to know what you’re talking about.

Hera: Poor doll, you never did like dentists. You used to scream for hours if you had to go to the dentist when you were younger.

Eilithea: That’s because our dentists were the Hecatonchires, mother. They used hammers and chisels to get teeth out.

Poseidon: Still better than we had, in Cronos’ belly. One time Hades was losing his teeth but we couldn’t get it out for love nor money, until finally Hestia got him to open up real wide and bit the damn thing out with her own teeth.

Hera: It was my idea, but I wasn’t about to stick my face in that, we didn’t exactly have toothpaste in that dump.

Poseidon: Didn’t have anything.

Hebe: Well, another lovely walk down memory lane, but you could say hello to us.

All: Hello, how are things, etc.

Ares: You two look tan.

Hebe: I had a good summer, very active. Then I went to Africa with Artemis when it got to be winter up north.

Eilithea: I think the sun is playing tricks on you, Re, I’m still as pale as a daisy.

Dionysus: Girls, do you think I’m butch?

Hebe: I umm… don’t know if I’d go as far as butch. Maybe ‘built’.

Dionysus: What does that mean?

Eilithea: I think you’re whatever you want to be, Dio.

Dionysus: Aren’t you my little daisy?

Charon: I think I might be ill.

Hermes: I think someone already was. Oh wait, that’s what Eilithea always looks like.

Hebe: So is anyone else around yet?

Poseidon: Aph and Apollo are off shagging, and Ceph and Nathaniel are trying to hide their shagging from Persephone. You’re still early.

Eilithea: You better not let her find out. She will have a fucking conniption fit.

Hera: You reckon? That bad? She was that age, though, wasn’t she?

Minos: Not the same at all, this is her baby daughter.

Hebe: Who she still thinks is in the cradle, practically.

Charon: The ones that start young are the worst about it, don’t want their babies growing up to be like them.

Ares: No chance of that, it’s not like Nathaniel is going to smuggle her off to some dark hole and watch over the dead for forty thousand years.

Poseidon: You’d be surprised what that kid thinks is fun.

Dionysus: I think we just need to keep darling Perse so busy with her own cunt she doesn’t notice daughter dearest’s.

Hera: Do I hear a mission statement?

Minos: Do I hear a bet?

Dionysus: That I’ll bite for. Two hundred says I’ll have her by Christmas morning.

Hera: Two hundred what?

Dionysus: I don’t know, you’re the business genius. Who’s takers?

Hebe: Four hundred says she ends up back with Hades.

Eilithea: Five hundred says she ends up with Hades after she bags Dio.

Minos: Two hundred says you don’t have a chance in Hell.

Charon: I’m for that.

Ares: What do you think, Hermes?

Hermes: I think I can get her naked and wet before you even get her bra undone.

Dionysus: Oooh, hoo you. And are you gonna put your money where your mouth is?

Hermes: Thousand even I have her before you.

Hebe: Hey, that’s going to change everyone else’s bet.

Dionysus: You don’t think this little poser has a chance?

Eilithea: He’s quite persuasive, even if he is a complete cunt.

Hera: Time out. Who’s changing their bet based on the Hermes entrance?

Hebe: I’ll stay.

Eilithea: Can I make mine that she bags one of them then goes back to Hades?

Hera: One, but not both?

Eilithea: That’s right.

Charon: I’m going to say three hundred that Hermes gets her and you don’t.

Hermes: You’ll be richer when it all comes out.

Ares: I have to say I think Persephone is unlikely to go after either of you two jokesters. I’m going out on a limb, and saying that I think she’s the one that Apollo’s got the hots for all these decades. And I’m going to put on eight hundred that he gets her and you two are left in the dust.

Hera: Oh, that’s clever. I have to say Persephone is more attracted to the more genteel, introverted types.

Hermes: Then what are you betting on?

Hera: Can’t, I’m bookie, right?

Poseidon: So that just leaves me.

Eilithea: What do you think, uncle?

Poseidon: This is quite complicated now. We have four in the running and one poor Perse. Who will our man be? What I think you lot fail to realize is quite how shy our Perse is. Remember, Hermes, you had your chance back in the day, and what good did it do you? Dio’s too loud, Hermes is too calculating, and while I’m quite sure she’s got a thing for Apollo I don’t think she’s the one he’s mooning after. That just leaves Hades, but she’s sick of that business. I have a feeling that, well, let me just say that I will put two thousand down that she ends up on Heracles’s lap. Sorry, Hebe.

Hebe: We’re separated. I could give a shit what he does. You might be right, in fact.

Hera: New runner, Heracles in position, any changes? (they shrug and shake head)

Eilithea: Just change my two to three then.

Hera: You were five hundred.

Eilithea: No, the two of them, make it three of them now.

Hera: Oh, right. And speaking of the wayward son, shall we get his dibs in and all?
(Heracles is walking toward them with Hestia and Prometheus)

Poseidon: Don’t tell him, it’ll be fresher that way.

Hermes: Hang on, then you’ve got a chance at it and we don’t. I’m going to tell him.

Dionysus: We all have to know if we’ve got money on. Except Perse, obviously.

Hebe: Maybe she should know, too. Better choice that way.

Eilithea: Then she’d just get off with all of them since no one’s got money on that.

Hestia: Hello, all.

All: Hello, what’s up, etc.

Poseidon: You three look the business this morning, in for some betting?

Heracles: How’s that?

Hera: Persephone’s getting bagged this weekend, bet’s on who gets her. I don’t think we should tell Hades, either, thinking on it.

Minos: No, absolutely not. I don’t think we should tell Apollo, in the mood he’s in.

Prometheus: He still mooning about Dem?

Hermes: Like a fucking cuckold.

Charon: Wanker.

Hestia: So what’s this bet about then? Making Persephone the group joke now? Not very nice.

Dionysus: We’re gods. We don’t do nice.

Prometheus: Fair play, what’s the score?

Hera: Two hundred Dio only, 200 not Dio, 300 Hermes not Dio, 400 Hades only, 500 Hades after one of three other, three being Dio, Herms, or Pollo, 800 Apollo only, 1,000 Hermes before Dio, and 2,000 Heracles.

Heracles: Someone has quite a bit of faith in me.

Poseidon: That’s my boy.

Heracles: Well, I wouldn’t want to disappoint you, Poseidon (he kisses him on the cheek)

Hermes: I told you we shouldn’t tell him.

Prometheus: Put me down for six hundred that she doesn’t sleep with any of you lot this week. I think she’s still in a sulk, to tell the truth.

Eilithea: You tell em, Prom, she doesn’t have to behave like a horny she dog. (they look at her) She just will. (they all nod)

Heracles: Well, since I’m going to try to win Poseidon’s bet, I’ll put down 900 of my own that I get her, but I think one other will, because I have faith in my fellows mates.

Hera: One other of Hermes and Dio, or also Pollo and Hades?

Heracles: Pollo, but not Hades, I think she is in a sulk with that still.

Hestia: You really are the most cruel and judgmental group I’ve been around.

Poseidon: Don’t be a self-righteous prig, Hestia.

Hestia: I was just making an observation. Anyway, I’ll have seven hundred that Heracles and Apollo have her, but Hermes and Dio don’t. Heracles will be after her for the money, but Apollo is the one she wants.

Hera: Good lord, Hestia’s betting on someone’s chastity. Will the world end?

Dio: She’s a crazy bitch, that one. You just pump her with sherry and valium and watch her go, can’t say a nice thing about anyone.

Hestia: (blushing) I suppose you could say I save quite a bit of frustration.

Hebe: You should let it out, or you’ll go insane. I know from experience.

Prometheus: You look good now, though. Alright?

Hebe: Oh, I’m fine now. Nothing a few good shags won’t help.

Hermes: I can probably help you there.

Poseidon: Don’t think we need to bet on this one.

Heracles: So we’ve got the resort to ourselves, basically?

Poseidon: Utterly and completely alone. Well, the workers are still around, cause nobody wanted to cook this year.

Hestia: Why bother? This is our vacation. (she stretches out on the sand almost erotically. The rest look at her like, hmm, what’s this?)

Dionysus: (practically drooling) Yeah, we’ve got to enjoy ourselves.

Prometheus: So right. What’s on the blanket, boys?

Minos: Our smorgasbord special. Anything you can eat, snort, smoke, or inject, in top form. Drinks are the responsibility of our fine host, Poseidon.

Prometheus: No, I get enough of the drink at home. Let’s see, it’s not lunchtime yet, so speed would be a bit much. Oh, just give me some coke.

Charon: (handing over) I always said you were a yuppie.

Prometheus: (snorting once) And you would be right. (snorting second, goes out for a swim)

Hera: You’ve been rolling joints all morning and you haven’t passed us a light at all. What’s going on there?

Charon: Sorry, dearest, we were preparing enough to last us through the day.

Minos: Or at least until lunch.

Charon: Maybe only until around 10:30, though. I’m not getting up, so you can all form the circle here. (Hera, Dio, Hermes, Hebe, Lith, Heracles, sit down. Poseidon stands up and moves his deck chair over. Ares rolls his eyes and takes a tab of speed before taking his surfboard out into the ocean. Hestia finally gets up and joins the circle, where one joint is being passed)

Hera: You’re smoking pot?

Hestia: Might as well try it once. (Hera and Minos start giggling at each other)

Poseidon: Let’s get another puppy lit then, haven’t got all morning.

Hebe: What else were we going to do?

Poseidon: Well, nothing, I suppose. Still, I thought we could all have a nice, big lunch.

Eilithea: We’ll be starved in about ten minutes, though. What time is it?

Hermes: Doesn’t matter, can’t you eat two meals in an hour?

Eilithea: I can, but it’s a bit redundant then.

Dio: Food, darling, is never redundant. It is one of the more important elements in life.

Minos: What’s the most important element?

Dio: Shit, sex or drugs, I can never decide.

Hebe: That’s why they invented E, so you could have both.

Hera: God, could you imagine how different we’d behave if we had things like hangovers and overdoses?

Hermes: I don’t think I’d act any different. I’d just have herpes.

Eilithea: Well, you have to have dreams. Who’s with Eris and Artemis? We’re not missing anyone else really. (they all look but don’t recognize)

Hestia: Might be Athena, she’s become a complete crack whore. (takes a drag) I’m not feeling anything.

Minos: You have to give it a few more tokes, there you go. The first time you’ll have to let the high come naturally, but after that you’ll be able to hurry the process.

Charon: Is there anyone else we need to corrupt this weekend, or have we managed to bring everyone down to our level of pathetic debauchery?

Hestia: I think I was the last priss, except maybe Eros and Psyche.

Poseidon: Persephone’s quite bad about things as well.

Eilithea: God, yeah, she is a total spaz about most things. I really hope you all shag her, she needs it.

Hera: You know who that is, fucking hell. (she starts to get up) Fucking fucking hell! (to everyone else) It’s Nike, you fucking cunts!

Dio: (standing up immediately) Fucking right it is! Nike!!! Nikkeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! (he runs toward her with exaggerated slowness. The three are getting close enough to see now. Nike laughs and breaks away from the hands of the other two and runs to Dio, everyone else is shouting her name)

Hebe: This is too great.

Charon: I don’t think I’ve met her.

Minos: But I definitely want to.

Poseidon: Down, boys. From what I remember about our dear Nike, there’s plenty to go around.

Hermes: That’s true of all of us. But it’ll be good to put it in someone new for a change.
(Nike has arrived and is hugging Dio fiercely)

Nike: Dionysus, oh god I missed ya! (he lets go and swings around to stand at her side protectively, Hestia looks vaguely jealous, which he notes) Oh my god, it’s everyone, Hermes (cheek kiss), Hera! (cheek kiss), Hebe and Eilithea (wave), Poseidon (he winks, she just grins), Heracles (nods), Hestia, and… umm, I know I’ve met you guys. It’s escaping me though.

Hera: That’s because they’re lesser gods.

Charon: Shut up you ragged old tonsil wart. I’m Charon, the boatkeeper of Hades.

Nike: That’s right! The Grim Reaper bloke, I knew I knew you, but it’s hard without the robes and sycthe.

Charon: (not amused) Right.

Minos: (walking up and taking her hand and kissing it) May I remind you of the time we met on the isle of Crete in the winter time?

Nike: Oh, you’re Minos, you were the King then.

Minos: I was, but now I’m just your humble servant. (several others start gigging)

Eris: (having caught up) Well, that’s sure to get her into bed, Minos. Why don’t you just pull it out now and save us from laughing to death?

Minos: (deadpan) I have no idea what you’re referring to.

Artemis: That’s probably why you’re so horny, then.

Poseidon: Hello, my loveliest ladies. (cheek kisses, hellos around. Hera and Charon have gotten back to the pot and are on the sand rolling with laughter) If you’ll excuse me, though, I think my morning supply of weed is being inhaled by two complete fuckups in need of a spanking.

Hera: You couldn’t hit me if you wanted to, you crusty old codger. Have a smoke. (she moves to give him the joint, then fakes it back. He starts trying to slap her ass and they tussle)

Hebe: Regression time much?

Minos: Do you indulge in illicit drug use, Nike?

Nike: But of course, it’s the only way to live.

Minos: Have a try then. (he gives her the other joint, Poseidon finally gets the first and starts it round the circle, which has grown to include the new girls)

Hermes: Here comes the cowabunga dude. (Ares comes in, Prometheus following)

Ares: Sister dearest; Artemis, how are you both?

Eris: Quite good. (she looks at Nike)

Artemis: Wonderful. (she winks at Nike)

Ares: Cool. Man you guys never quit with that weed. (looking over at the hotel) Well, at least he got off the roof okay and got some clothes.

Poseidon: Is he coming over here then?

Ares: Yeah, with… is that Perse and Ceph?… no, looks like it’s Aph and Apollo. That didn’t take long.

Hera: She’s an expert, dear. Time management and that.

Ares: I think I’d know better than you.

Hera: Presumably that’s pleasure, not work.

Hestia: (huge laughter) Oh come off it. Trust me, if she’s been fucking Apollo she’s not exactly upset about it. I don’t think it’s some huge chore, like, ‘gee, I just have to fuck Apollo, whatever will I do?’ (starts giggling)

Eris: Aunt Hestia, are you alright?

Hera: (smugly) First fucking toke, that’s my sister.

Poseidon: She’s our late bloomer.

Hestia: This is really good. This is better than drinking, everything’s so funny!

Dionysus: Wait til we get her on E.

Prometheus: (sharply) I’m sure you can’t.

Dionysus: Prom, old boy, aren’t you going to say hello to our new arrivals?

Prometheus: I was just trying to figure out the last time I saw Nike. How are you dear?

Ares: That’s Artemis, her hair’s just a little different.

Nike: I don’t look like Artemis that much, do I?

Ares: No, but (stops and looks at her, jaw open) Nike? Fuck! Fuuuuuuuuck!

Eilithea: Not on the beach dear, it’s rude to have sex while people are smoking.

Hebe: Thanks, Miss Manners.

Hermes: When’s lunch, I’m fucking starved.

Poseidon: Any time we all get up and go in. (no one moves. Nathaniel, Apollo, and Aphrodite arrive.)

Nathaniel: You folks about ready for lunch? Persephone and Cephallenia are wondering where everyone is.

Poseidon: Why didn’t you tell them.

Nathaniel: Because I figured you would all be snorting and fucking on the beach and look, you’re snorting and Eris and Artemis are almost fucking anyway.

Hebe: That’s kind of a permanent look for them.

Apollo: (no energy) Hello, folks. Rest of the crowd’s here, eh.

Nike: You could be a little more excited, Apollo, some of us haven’t been here in ages.

Apollo: Nike? Wow, it’s been ages. (she looks vaguely disappointed by his lack of care)

Hera: Can’t you give a better blow job, Aphrodite? He sounds entirely bored.

Aphrodite: It’s all the pheromones making him sleepy, dear.

Hermes: Well, I’m not sleepy, I’m fucking hungry. I’m getting food. (gets up, pulls Hebe and Eilithea up. Dionysus gets Hestia up. Everyone except Minos and Hera and Poseidon get up.)

Nathaniel: What, you three aren’t coming?

Hera: I’m trying to conserve enough energy to stand without falling over.

Eris: Oh, come on, you can’t be that baked, we had two joints between like twenty people.

Hera: (giggling) You did. (falls onto sand, Minos shares in laughter. Poseidon just grins)

Poseidon: Someone is going to have to pull me up.

Hermes: (pulling) Get up, you fat git.

Minos: Make yourself useful over here, Hermes. We need your youthful energy.

Hermes: I just want food. (he pulls up Minos and puts out his hand to pull up Hera but falls on her instead) Oh, you lot go, we’ll catch up.

Apollo: I thought you were the one who was so hungry.

Hermes: Needs change. (Apollo walks over, lifts Hermes up by the scruff of the neck and drags Hera up with one arm)

Apollo: We all have to eat together. (stalks off. Hera rubs her arm as they all head to the hotel)

Hera: (to Hermes) It’s going to be a long week with him in that mood. If he doesn’t declare his eternal, undying love to whoever I’m going to kill him.

Hermes: Maybe he’ll die from unrequited love. (they look at each other and start giggling madly)