SCENE 28:
After Christmas dinner. The tables have been put in a long row, filled to the brim with platters and dishes. A few Gods are finishing up at the main table, but most are sitting around the other tables drinking coffee and cocktails. Nathaniel, Cephallenia, Hades, and Poseidon are at one, Hestia, Prometheus, Hephaestus, Eros and Psyche are at another, Persephone and Eilithea are together, Demeter and Apollo are with Dionysus, Eris and Artemis, and Hera, Hermes, Minos, Charon and Aphrodite are at the main table still.

Nathaniel: For being high gods waited on hand and foot for millions of years, you lot can really cook.

Hades: Thank you. I had several thousand years before I was married to perfect the art of fine cuisine. Not sure how everyone else picked it up, but we do alright.

Poseidon: Yes, I was quite proud of my gelatin mold. I actually made it myself this year.

Cephallenia: The vodka helped.

Poseidon: It would have been alright without the vodka, though, wouldn’t it?

Hades: You’re not really supposed to cook the fruits before you set them.

Poseidon: I didn’t. At least, I don’t think I did. Oh, well, at least I tried.

Nathaniel: Maybe I’ll get you cooking lessons for your birthday.

Hades: Speaking of presents, are we going to open some tonight?

Poseidon: Usually we open one, but it might be a bit tough with Eilithea and Hermes here, everyone is trying to figure out what to get them. There’s obviously some time zone where the shops are open, so somebody has to transy over there and pick a load of things up. Or we could just materialize them, but that’s just cheap.

Cephallenia: Eilithea is going to stay on earth with you all then?

Poseidon: Looks like. And what of your family? You seemed to want to come up before.

Hades: I do. Perse is still being a bit difficult about it. I think I might just have to say, you know, I’m doing this. Ceph wants to come up as well.

Cephallenia: Yeah. Hades can take care of itself. And I’m only going to be young once. I think if I come up and stay mum will probably want to come as well.

Hades: But she doesn’t want Ceph doing a lifeline, she wants her to kind of hang out like what you’re doing.

Poseidon: She’s always welcome to stay here. Perse as well. Unless you don’t trust me with your wife.

Hades: Not a problem. That might be good, you know, give her a chance to kind of be off by herself. We need a few years apart. But what could I do as a human? I don’t want to have to do anything with death.

Nathaniel: Let’s see, you’re used to administrating for thousands of people, torturing the bad ones, and taking bribes on imports. You could be a customs official.

Poseidon: No, I think Baby Boy would be better off using those administration skills for a smaller set of people. And he could certainly use his knowledge of torture… I think you ought to coach a sports team. Footie or hockey, maybe cricket.

Nathaniel: Rugby.

Cephallenia: Or you could manage a band.

Hades: No, bands torture each other. I like the idea of being a coach, I always like to watch the sports. That’s it then. Eili and I can take some lessons about being human, and off we go.

Cephallenia: And I can stay here?

Poseidon: I should hope you do, it will distract Nate and I from yelling at each other all day.

Nathaniel: Oh, I think we’ll still fit that into the schedule. But it would be nice to have you around, Cephallenia. A good change. (Pos and Hades give each other knowing looks, switch to Hestia, Prom, Heph, Eros, and Psyche)

Hestia: I am glad you’ve not still angry about what happened on Olympus.

Psyche: Of course not, I was so stupid, jumping to conclusions like that. That place, it just breeds hatred. I can’t imagine why anyone would live there.

Eros: Doesn’t look like anyone is, anymore. Except the lesser gods, and they could get by alright without fighting every second. He ought to sell the old place, really. Start from scratch with a nice Gothic mansion somewhere in the middle of Scotland. Another creaky hellhole to call the home of the Gods.

Hephaestus: I’ve always felt we ought to make a bubble covered city in the middle of the ocean, so when the humans go down to explore we can scare the shit out of them.

Prometheus: Not any different from building a city in the clouds, so on their 10:53 to New York they look out the window and piss themselves.

Hestia: Why not just colonize the moon?

Hephaestus: Pretty boring on the moon. I’m not very fond of the other planets, but perhaps that’s just because they never named one after me.

Prometheus: They did on Star Trek.

Hephaestus: It’s a shit planet, too. They have green blood and talk about logic all the time. I’d be better off with an asteroid belt named after me.

Eros: Well, I’ve got you beat. The only thing they use my likeness for is toilet paper.

Psyche: That’s because you’re so soft and cuddly.

Prometheus: And you absorb things so well.

Eros: Laugh all you want, I’m content with my masculinity.

Hestia: You should be pleased you have anything named after you at all. Psyche and I aren’t even a blip on the pop culture radar. Even Hymen got better billing than we did.

Psyche: Yeah. Or Nike. Imagine if she’d copyrighted her name, she’d be loaded.

Hephaestus: Someone else was talking about the old girl earlier. Haven’t seen her in awhile.

Prometheus: Yes, weird enough seeing Nemesis again.

Hestia: That was her then. I thought I recognized her.

Psyche: She’s a bit blonder is all, not much else has changed.

Eros: I sense her now, though. On earth. I think she’s watching over all of us for the Fates.

Hephaestus: I must be missing something. Where was Nemesis?

Psyche: Opening the door for the Fates.

Eros: Still doing the dirty work, poor thing. You’d think she’d give it a rest these days. The Furies seem to have gone for retirement.

Hestia: Whatever happened to them?

Prometheus: Took off after the Roman days and opened a nursing home not too long ago. I suppose that was the best place to torture people for being bad relatives.

Psyche: Can’t say I miss them. They were never the sort of people you wanted over for dinner.

Eros: Yeah, divine retribution isn’t the cheeriest dessert topic. Speaking of which, I need another slice of pie.

Hephaestus: Excellent suggestion. Get me one, too. (Eros looks about to say something, then just laughs and wanders over to the table. Switch to Persephone and Eilithea)

Persephone: Dad really said all that, huh. Why am I not surprised?

Eilithea: Things are really bad there. I don’t think you’ll have to wait much longer for them to fall apart.

Persephone: Probably not, but then, I don’t think I’ll have to wait for things to fall apart at home either.

Eilithea: What do you mean?

Persephone: Hades has it in his head to come up here to live, regardless of what Zeus does. And I think it’s a good idea, but I don’t really want one of these human lifelines just yet. I have to sort out my own life right now, not somebody else’s.

Eilithea: Sometimes it’s easier to sort someone else out, and then use that in your life. I think that’s what kept most of these guys a lot saner than Dad and I.

Persephone: Probably so. That’s something I hadn’t thought about. But I think I might find a nice little corner of the world to sit and think, without Hades, without Cephallenia even, she’ll be fine with him or with some other family. I just need some serious me time.

Eilithea: I’ve had nothing but me time for a thousand years. I guess the grass is always greener.

Persephone: Exactly so. Canada. I’ve heard really good things about Canada. I guess maybe I could find a human lifeline with a little petrol station and restaurant.

Eilithea: I know exactly what I want to do. I’m going to be a plastic surgeon in Los Angeles.

Persephone: What? Why?

Eilithea: I want to be where all the glamour is and get invited to all of the good parties. And it’s sort of related to my godhead. I mean, women who just gave birth need liposuction, right?

Persephone: I’ll definitely come and visit you. That sounds like fun for a weekend. I’m really glad you’re here. I love everybody else, but I was never as close to them as I was to you and Hebe. Although I haven’t spoken to her in awhile.

Eilithea: I don’t really think anyone has. I can barely get a thought from her. She needs to do some serious growing up, there’s a difference between being the Goddess of Youth and being immature. She’ll sort it out eventually.

Persephone: Yeah. We’ve all had to do a lot of thinking and changing over the past couple years. I suppose that’s just the way it is, every thousand years everything blows up in your face. I’m glad though, I was getting so lazy. And so focused on the day to day crap I never looked up and said, fuck this, I want to live in a house with windows.

Eilithea: I want to live on the beach. This is the life.

Persephone: I’d prefer the mountains. A little country stream through the backyard and big fir trees.

Eilithea: When are you going to go?

Persephone: I dunno. I hadn’t wanted to make a decision, but you know, I want to go tomorrow. Tomorrow night, why not? Stick around for presents and then I’m gone.

Eilithea: We really can do this, can’t we?

Persephone: It’s good to be a god.

(switch to Demeter, Apollo, Artemis, Eris, Dionysus)
Demeter: I’m so bored of my current lifeline. I’m thinking of ditching her out and trying something more fun. Maybe you could help me out Apollo.

Apollo: Sure, how?

Demeter: I’m thinking of getting a winery somewhere in California. You know anywhere good?

Apollo: I drink French wine, sorry. French wine, Belgian chocolate, Italian cheese.

Artemis: Gosh, doesn’t that break your diet?

Apollo: Shaddup.

Artemis: I mean, you might get fat. Nobody wants to see you parading around your movies with your shirt off if you’ve got love handles.

Eris: Nobody wants to see him without his shirt because of that stupid tattoo.

Apollo: Don’t start that again.

Eris: How did you manage to convince people you wanted to get a tattoo of an instrument that hasn’t been in use for two thousand plus years? You couldn’t get a snake or a wolf or something normal?

Apollo: I like it. It’s my talisman.

Artemis: What, it wards off evil spirits? Maybe you can help Eris with her next exorcism.

Eris: Yeah, your ugly tattoo will scare away the devil.

Apollo: Oh, I think your personality is more than enough to scare things away.

Dionysus: Children, please. You’re giving me a headache. We’re supposed to be having fun and debauchery, not arguing about who’s uglier.

Demeter: I don’t know if we’re going to be able to have much of a party here. We should go out onto the beach.

Apollo: That’s a good idea.

Demeter: Let’s go now, anyone else want to come? (her tone of voice makes this clearly not an invitation. Artemis and Eris exchange a glance).

Eris: No, I want Dio to tell the Marie Celeste story again.

Dionysus: I tell you that story every year.

Eris: It’s my favorite. Tell it again. (Apollo and Dem walk out, Dio rolls his eyes).

Dionysus: Subtle, darling.

Eris: I don’t do subtle, sweetest.

Artemis: No kidding. Neither does Demeter, apparently.

Eris: Oh, come on, she’s been chasing him for like ten billion years and he still doesn’t get it.

Dionysus: No, he’s gotten it, he just didn’t realize she’s serious.

Artemis: I hope she succeeds in making him fall just a little bit in love with her. He’s been such a drag since this whole Zeus thing started.

Dionysus: Who hasn’t been, though. I finally quit my job yesterday. I couldn’t take it anymore.

Eris: So what are you going to do now?

Dionysus: I don’t know. I might do an independent movie, see if I can make it that way. There are still a lot of people who hate me, but I might be able to escape with my life.

Artemis: You’ll be alright, doll. Maybe you could do a documentary about Zeus.

Dionysus: No, thank you. I’m staying away from that corner of the world for a good while. He’s still steaming that I didn’t take up with his side. What am I supposed to do? Humans already worship drunken revelries and theatrical productions, what’s the point in telling them there’s a god for that? I was actually thinking of doing a documentary, though. About Prometheus’ job. Cloning and that.

Eris: You should ask.

Dionysus: I think he hates me.

Artemis: You think everyone hates you. Last time you thought Hera hated you.

Dionysus: Well, I think we managed to work that out.

Eris: I don’t want to hear about it.

Dionysus: Just saying. But I think Hestia really hates me, and I’m not going to fuck her into liking me.

Eris: Yeah, she hates you.

Artemis: Eris. Nobody hates you. You’re so paranoid about everything. Maybe you should work for the CIA.

Dionysus: I can’t, they’re spying on me.

Eris: Please tell me you’re kidding.

Dionysus: I’m kidding.

Eris: Anyway. So we’re not going to have a party tonight, it looks like.

Artemis: Boring, boring. I bet we could get Minos and Charon to play strip poker.

Dionysus: Well, I’ll clear away my schedule for that.

Artemis: Okay, smarty pants, what else is there to do?

Dionysus: Personally, I was going to grab a box of Kleenex and watch ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’

Eris: Ooh, I haven’t seen that in years. Where is the television anyway?

Dionysus: The lounge, I think. But I don’t know where that is. We better ask. (they get up to go ask Poseidon for directions,

switch to Hera, Hermes, Aph, Minos and Charon)

Hera: (to Minos and Charon) I really think you two ought to work for me. You’re almost as devoid of ethics as I am. You’d make great accountants.

Charon: Sounds boring.

Hera: You row a boat across a river all day. Data entry would be a step up from your world.

Charon: At least I get to travel.

Minos: I would love to work for you, Hera. I haven’t really gotten around to thinking about what to do on earth, so a little bit of nepotism would be quite useful.

Hera: Excellent.

Aphrodite: Then perhaps Charon would care to work for me.

Charon: That would be nice.

Aphrodite: You can be my drug dealer.

Charon: Now that’s a job I can do well.

Hera: And what of you, Hermes? Have we convinced you to find a nice little job on earth yet?

Hermes: Let me think. I could stay with Zeus and do absolutely nothing all day except listen to people bitch, or I could find a job on earth and have to work my ass off and still listen to people bitch all day. No, thanks.

Aphrodite: You never seem to have a problem with certain physical exertions. Maybe you could be a porn star.

Hermes: Only if you were my co-star.

Aphrodite: Get real. I have better things to do. I own a publishing empire.

Minos: Well, it sounds like we’ll be able to mooch off you lot for a good forty years before we have to get real jobs.

Charon: It’s better than living in Hades anyway. (Dionysus announces to room)

Dionysus: Okay, everybody. ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ will be showing in the TV lounge in five minutes. Get your butt over there if you want to share the Kleenex. (Dio, Eris, Artie, Heph, Pos, Psyche, Eros, Prom, and Hestia get up and leave. Perse taps Hades and asks him a question. Eilithea seems to be unsure where to go. Nate and Ceph get up but don’t leave.)

Minos: It’s a Wonderful Life?

Hera: If you haven’t seen it, you ought to. And you, Charon. Suspend your cynicism for two hours and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Charon: This from the high queen of bitchiness? I’m shocked. I might not be able to look up to you as my role model anymore.

Hera: You are such a bastard. God, I missed you.

Charon: I’m just so easy to love. Aphrodite, are you sharing the movie torture with us?

Aphrodite: It’s not torture, it’s fantastic. Come on, I might let you two argue over whose lap I get to sit in. (switch to Nate and Ceph)

Nate: So, do you want to go shoot some pool?

Ceph: Why go in the pool when we can go to the beach?

Nate: No, pool is a game. With balls and sticks. Never mind that part, um, come into the game room and I’ll show you.

Ceph: Okay. (they leave. Hades and Perse are deep in conversation).

Persephone: Just let me say this, okay, don’t interrupt. I want to be by myself for awhile. I need to think some things out, and I know you want a human lifeline anyway, so I think it would be best if I moved off on my own and got my head together. Had my own lifeline or just open a place like Poseidon has here. I’m going tomorrow after supper. And I don’t want to take Cephallenia with me. I don’t care if that makes me a bad mother, she has plenty of people to stay with.

Hades: If you would have let me finish, I was going to say that Cephallenia has been invited to stay here with Poseidon, so you don’t have to worry about her. But I think your idea is a good one. I need some time, too. I’m really glad we came up here, I had to get away from that place.

Persephone: I know, me too. Thanks. (they hug and go off to watch the movie holding hands)

Hera: That’s cute.

Hermes: Wait, Hera the queen of jealousy, applauding others’ happiness?

Hera: Say what you want, I’m not bitter anymore. There are still some things from the past that frustrate me, but I’m not wasting my time with anger. It’s been so long.

Hermes: (serious) But you are still angry about Ares.

Hera: I’m… I’m not angry, I’m hurt. What really kills me is that he didn’t even say good-bye, didn’t give any indication that this was in his head. No apologies, no excuses, just betrayal.

Hermes: He’s not happy being with Zeus.

Hera: None of you are happy around Zeus, but you stay. I mean, come on, Hermes, you don’t need to be at his beck and call anymore. You’re not enslaved as his messenger. You can go where you want and do whatever you please, but still you stay. Why?

Hermes: What else is there, really? I’ve fucked over everyone, at some point. And that’s just it, I like to do it, it’s what I do. But I feel guilty when I fuck over anybody else besides Zeus. He deserves it, and he’s used to it, and we can treat each other like shit and not feel bad about it.

Hera: No one here wants to judge you from things that happened a couple thousand years ago. If they’re all still talking to me, after the things that I’ve done, then believe me, there’s a place for you.

Hermes: But you’ve changed, and I haven’t. I’m still the same person, and I don’t want to change.

Hera: What do you want?

Hermes: Right now? You.

Hera: I’m serious. You wouldn’t be here if you cared so much about what Zeus is doing. And you know very well he’ll be furious when he finds out where you were. If you go back. You don’t have to go back.

Hermes: If you ask me to stay, I’ll stay.

Hera: This isn’t about me. If Aphrodite asked you to stay, you would stay. Deal with me straight, what is it that you want?

Hermes: I want the old days back. When I knew what my place was, and what I had to do, and I could be involved with things. Now, I’m just a has-been, running around with magic sandals when everyone else has cel phones and text messaging.

Hera: Then join us and find something new to get involved with. We were all in the same position when we came down here, and so are Eilithea and Hades and Perse and Minos and Charon. It’s never too late to start, don’t let your pride get in the way of it.

Hermes: I don’t have pride. I grew up with everyone telling me I was a cheat and a scoundrel.

Hera: I’m sorry.

Hermes: It doesn’t matter. I’ve discovered over the years that you need me more than I need you. But I can’t tell whether you want me to stay here because you want me or because you want to keep me away from Zeus.

Hera: To keep you away from Zeus.

Hermes: So. And Athena, you were only nice to her because you wanted to get her on your side, too, eh?

Hera: No. That’s a horrible thing to say. She was upset and I wanted to comfort her. In the same way that I want to help you be happy. But I’m not going to beg you for my own sake, I don’t need to fuck you to make my life complete anymore. I’m sorry. I care a lot about you, but not that much.

Hermes: As I thought. (he gets up and starts to walk out)

Hera: Are you going back to them?

Hermes: You have no use for me here.

Hera: I said I didn’t need you to stay, but I want you to stay. (she kisses him, they fall against the piano.

Switch to Demeter and Apollo, who are laying on their backs in the shallows where the waves reach up to their bodies).

Demeter: Now this is what I call the glory of the gods. All the beauty that nature can give.

Apollo: It’s amazing out. I wish I could say things were going well indoors. I’m not sure if Hermes being here is such a good thing.

Demeter: You sound jealous, afraid of the competition?

Apollo: No, I’m just afraid that he’s going to get someone in a fight and things will just fall apart.

Demeter: Pretty unlikely. He’ll just fuck Aphrodite and go home. (she rolls over onto him) Which isn’t such a bad way to spend the night when you think about it.

Apollo: Ahh, right. But don’t you think we should all be spending our time sorting out this mess with Zeus instead of just fucking our problems away?

Demeter: The way I see it, the only thing Zeus could have over us is if we turn on each other, so if we happen to be enjoying each other’s company, that’s the best offense we could possibly have.

Apollo: I hadn’t quite looked at it that way. But I do think we should have a meeting before everyone goes to bed and (she interrupts him with a kiss)

Demeter: No one is in the mood for talking about it tonight, or we would have already. If people want to discuss things in the morning, then we can deal with it then. For now, though, why don’t you just sit back and let me seduce you?

Apollo: It doesn’t appear that I have much of a choice.

Demeter: No, sorry. You’ve been dodging commitment for a couple thousand years, and I decided this morning that I was going to go home with you after Christmas whether you like it or not.

Apollo: I think I will endeavor to like it. (They kiss, etc., switch to the TV lounge where everyone else besides Hera, Hermes, Nate, and Ceph are bunched up watching the television, on commercial from the movie).

Dionysus: (to Prometheus) So I had an idea, Prometheus, that I want to do a documentary film.

Prometheus: Good for you, I was wondering when you would get out of videos if you’re not happy with your superiors.

Dionysus: Yes, it’s been a tough thing. And I wanted to do this documentary about maybe, well, I thought you know cloning is such a big issue, and maybe I could film you?

Prometheus: Really? That would be quite excellent, good publicity I think. Wait, are you for cloning or against it with the film?

Dionysus: Whatever looks best on camera, darling.

Prometheus: I shouldn’t ask. That sounds good, thanks for thinking of me.

Dionysus: Yeah, thank you, I mean, I never thought you’d do it, honestly.

Prometheus: Why not?

Dionysus: Well, you know, we were never close…

Artemis: He thinks you and Hestia hate him.

Hestia: You think everyone hates you, Dionysus. Too much marijuana, you’ve gone paranoid. Maybe you should try drinking instead.

Dionysus: Now that’s the most sensible thing anyone has said all evening. (breaks out a bottle of champagne and pops the top right as the movie fades back in. everyone giggles)

Charon: Shut up, all of you, the movie’s back on. (everyone looks at each other knowingly, fade out)