SCENE 8:
Hades. Ares and Hermes are arm wrestling on a table and chair set made of sinners. Hades and Persephone are rushing around, trying to get things ready to go, giving instructions to Minos, Charon, and Cerberus. Their daughter Cephallenia watches on boredly.

Persephone: What are we going to do about the nectar and ambrosia supply? Will you sign for the weekly shipments, Charon?

Charon: Yes, madame. I usually take them in on my boat anyway. I will see that they come to the correct kitchen.

Persephone: Good, you know we can’t have sinners running around eating that. Although I don’t see why it matters, they’re dead, it’s eternity, who cares?

Hades: Oh, one of these days we’ll get around to letting them have the day off, but it’s too fun to torture them. Builds character. Minos, are you sure you’ll be able to carry out all the judgments and decisions of law while I’m gone?

Minos: Yes, sire. My brothers will help me if need be. You just go on and enjoy yourselves.

Persephone: Enjoy? What is there to enjoy? Five hours of rushing around this place getting things tied up and we are nowhere nearer stepping out the door than when Hermes came. I tell you, this is why we never leave.

Hades: (humorously) Death doesn’t take a holiday.

Charon: But this is a working vacation, is it not?

Hades: Yes. Our presence is necessary I suppose, but I think it would have been much easier if everyone had agreed to come out here, instead of some.. beach house.

Cephallenia: Personally I would kill to go to a beach house.

Persephone: You can’t dear, they’re already dead.

Cephallenia: Gee, that’s funny. But why can’t I come? Minos and Charon will take care of everything here, they don’t need me. I’ll just be in the way, and I’ve never gotten to see the outside world. I’m practically two hundred years old, don’t you think it’s about time I got to go out?

Hades: It’s just that it won’t be very interesting for you. Once we get to Olympus, there’s also going to be a lot of arguing and I’d rather not have you there.

Cephallenia: I’m sure there will be other lesser gods my age I can meet. You’ve told me there are on Olympus.

Persephone: Maybe if she stayed in their quarters it wouldn’t be so bad. You know, away from the council. She can’t get up to much harm on Olympus, it’s much safer than Earth.

Minos: And at times much safer than here. I have noticed, although I hesitate to bring it up, some of the sinners leering at Cephallenia.

Hades: Leering?

Minos: I punished them duly, sire. I did not bring it to your attention because I knew your wrath would be terrible, and I was afraid you would not allow Cephallenia to come to our corner of the realm, which would be a terrible loss to my brothers and I. (Ceph mouths ‘thanks’ to Minos, who winks).

Hades: As long as you took care of it immediately. Perhaps you are right, this place is filled with debauchery and sin, it’s no good for a young goddess.

Persephone: So you want to take her to Olympus instead? Where the debauchery and sin is so much better. Don’t look at me, young lady, I’m on your side. But I would like to make the point that where we are going is… you know there is a reason we stayed in Hades instead of Olympus.

Charon: It must be the scenic atmosphere and beneficent company.

Hades: You can always find a replacement boatman, Charon. You’re not a slave.

Charon: I know that sire. But you must be aware that after all of my years in Hades most of the other lesser gods consider me… rather unfit company. I’m afraid there’s not much else.

Hades: Well, you could do as my brothers and sisters, and live human lifelines. They seem to have a rather gay time of things, but they never did have the responsibilities of this place. Speaking of which, where did I put my luggage?

Minos: By the door, sire. Cerberus is sniffing at it.

Hades: Poor thing, he’s going to miss us.

Minos: We’ll be sure to take care of him.

Hades: Only feed him twice a day. He will try to get you to feed him at lunch, too, but that would make him fat.

Persephone: Although, you can give him a bone, a chewing bone, in the afternoons. Just not any of those treat things that Hestia gave us for Christmas.

Charon: They’ll get the tartar off his teeth, those bones.

Persephone: I just don’t think they’re very good, though, for a hellhound. I’m sure for human dogs they need all that preservatives and whatnot but Cerberus is very finicky, you know, he only likes certain kinds of flesh. (assorted sinners in the room shudder, Persephone decides to tease them) Human flesh.

Cephallenia: So, back to the whole, can I go question. Because I should pack if I can come.

Hades: Well, I don’t see any problem with it, if… IF… you agree to stay under the guidance of one of the lesser gods on Olympus and if… IF… you agree to come back here immediately if there are any problems that your mother and I might get caught up with.

Cephallenia: Yay! (she runs off to pack)

Minos: Are you expecting… problems… sir?

Hades: Let us hope not. But you never know with Zeus. (looks significantly at Hermes) There is trouble afoot.

Charon: I’m sure you will prevail upon him with the wisdom of giving up on human control. And if he wishes it so very badly, perhaps he should come here and try his hand at it.

Hades: I would like to see Zeus down here. The organization of the circles would blow his mind, for one thing. I don’t think he can count to nine. And then there’s the gates to Tartarus, which would just make him paranoid. No, this is my home, and I plan to keep it that way.

Persephone: Still, it will be nice to get out and see a little bit of the world. It wouldn’t be so bad if we got to take a vacation every once in awhile.

Hades: And have to go through all of this? Running around like headless chickens just to go away for three days?

Persephone: It might be longer, dear. But really, Minos and Charon have been doing their job for thousands of years, they are absolutely trustworthy.

Minos: Thank you for your kindness, Persephone. We try to fill our jobs to the utmost.

Charon: Nothing will be any different when you arrive than when you left. And you go away every year for Christmas, things are alright.

Hades: Yes, but that’s not even one day, it’s just for lunch or dinner, and we never take Ceph with us. I worry that it might not be right to bring her.

Charon: I’m sure she’ll be well treated by the other lesser gods, we take care of our own.

Minos: And it is what she’s always wanted, to see the outside world. You can’t keep her here forever.

Hades: I know, but it would be nice. I guess it’s just that part of me that grew up in my father’s stomach thinking that everyone should grow up in a small place.

Persephone: And it is a joy for us, having her around. The other gods visit us so infrequently. I think Ares and Hermes are the first to arrive in well over two hundred years.
(Ares and Hermes hear their names and look up)

Ares: What did we do?

Persephone: You are the first gods to come here in two hundred years.

Hermes: Well, it’s such a bright and cheery place.

Ares: My problem is that I always see these damned souls from battles I caused, makes me a bit guilty. Either that or girls I impregnated, still wanting child support after like a thousand years. (To Hermes) Do you have that problem?

Hermes: I don’t go around to the lost souls bits here, I just come in, deliver the message, and get the… you know… out of here.

Hades: The Hades, I suppose? I wonder why it’s called Hades, after me, it’s not like the earth is called Zeus or the ocean, Poseidon.

Minos: But those realms were already there when the three of you took power, Hades was a new addition to Tartarus, was it not?

Hades: Yes, that must be it. It makes me feel a bit dark and awkward though, having this place named after me. It’s like those Emperors that name cities after themselves, people must think I’m a right prat.

Charon: Not really, most of them are scared to death of you. Or rather, scared past death.

Persephone: And he’s such a little pussycat. Okay, well, I think I’ve got everything in order. Are you sure it’s going to be fine?
(Minos takes her by the shoulders)

Minos: It will be fine. Go, have as good a time you can, do the right thing, and come back when you’re finished. (lets go and turns to Hades) The same applies to you.

Hades: I don’t know what we’d do without you two.

Charon: Get more lesser gods, I expect. (spying Ceph) I’m sure Cephallenia will be rowing the boat in another hundred years.

Cephallenia: I will not. All that gold on the eyes thing, it’s really morbid. I’m ready to go.

Hades: Alright, then. Hermes, Ares, we’re going now.

Ares: Wicked! Let’s scoot.

Hermes: You are coming to Olympus.
(Four Gods look at each other)

Ares: I think they’re coming with me, first. We’ll meet you on Olympus.

Hermes: I dunno if I should let you run off, I really ought to follow you.

Hades: Would not Zeus prefer you to check in with him?

Hermes: Of course, but he’s easy enough to put off if there’s a beach party on the cards.

Persephone: I’m sure there’s just boring meetings going on. Besides, you have those sandals so you don’t have to wait on transmigration time. You can go check in on Zeus and if you still want to come round, then we’ll have just got there ourselves.

Ares: An excellent suggestion. Besides, you don’t want another scene with my mother, do you? She’s a bit touch and go right now.

Hermes: I can handle her. But first I should see the other one. I’ll see you all later.
(he disappears)

Hades: Well, shall we? Minos, Charon, you have my cel number, call me if anything happens.

Persephone: We won’t get reception on Olympus dear.

Hades: We get reception here, we can get it anywhere. Besides, it’s a mountain, they’re closer to the satellites.

Minos: (to get them gone) Godspeed you.

Charon: Good trip.

Cephallenia: Byyyyyyyyyye!
(they all disappear while Minos and Charon smile like statues. As soon as they are gone there is a huge whoosh of exhaled air and the two look at each other.

Charon: Ass kisser.

Minos: Hey, I have to live with them. I don’t get to sit there on Styx in my little boat and bitch at dead people all day. I have to play politics.

Charon: But do you have to be so obvious about it? They’re going to think we’re trying to get rid of them.

Minos: Well, we are, aren’t we? I’m thinking tonight we’ll have a sexual perversions party, and tomorrow will be a celebration of… gluttony.

Charon: Break out the ambrosia and nectar. Don’t worry, I have their FedEx number, I can order twice as much and they will never know.

Minos: When the cat’s away, the mice will play. (Cerberus barks in assent)

SCENE 9:
Beach Resort. It is nighttime now, and there is a bonfire on the beach. Demeter, Aphrodite, Poseidon, Artemis, Eris, Nathaniel, Eros and Psyche are swimming. Hera, Hephaestus, Hestia, Prometheus, and Apollo sit in front of the fire, chatting.

Prometheus: I think I’ve got more Nobel prizes than either of you, six from five different lifelines.

Apollo: That puts me out, three, but one of them was a peace prize, and those are really hard to get.

Hephaestus: Actually, I got my sixth on this lifeline.

Prometheus: On this one? The rocket scientist? Why didn’t you say it?

Hephaestus: I invited you to the ceremony last year.

Hera: You didn’t invite me, and I’m your mother.

Hephaestus: Yes, I did. But you were in Japan buying up companies.

Hestia: Good mum you are.

Hera: No, I remember it now, you called me that morning. How was I supposed to ditch everything and catch a flight? I would have had to lay over in Moscow and the last time I was there I got mugged three times.

Apollo: It’s that unsafe in the city?

Hera: City, I was in the airport.

Prometheus: And it must have been nearly impossible to rematerialize all of your documents.

Hera: Well.. . I mean it’s a pain to have to do it. Besides, I had to cancel all of my credit cards and get new ones.

Hestia: Okay, which one of you invented those things, because I know it must have been someone here.

Hera: To tell the truth, it was Eris.

Hestia: I might have known. That I should have seen.

Apollo: I’m still trying to figure out who came up with the income tax.

Hera: Not guilty. And that wasn’t Eris.

Apollo: Ares, then?

Hera: No, I’ve no idea. I’m positive the humans did it themselves. They’re very clever at getting money and then doing nothing with it. I mean, I spend the stuff like water, why keep it around?

Hestia: So you can retire in style, so you can give it to your children.

Apollo: I don’t mean to be rude, Hestia, but why do you and Prometheus not have any children?

Prometheus: We do, we had several children a few thousand years ago or something. They’re lesser Gods, they live in Tartarnyx, the city at the edge of Tartarus. I’m sure you met them.

Apollo: I don’t recall it at all.

Hera: They were never on Earth, they were little craftsy types that went right to work for the Hecatonchires. Bizarre little city, that’s where we got the idea for Valhalla for, you know.

Apollo: That’s right, now I remember, yes. Celmis and Epimedes. They must have grandchildren by now!

Hestia: Yes, Celmis has three and Epimedes has five. They’ve practically populated the city now, I think.

Apollo: I feel like it’s been so long since we all just sat down and had a nice chat. I mean, at Christmas everything is so rushed and half the thing is the stress of who’s having dinner.

Hera: And who’s coming and who isn’t. And it’s just a day, and then it’s back to things.

Prometheus: I have to admit I am looking forward to a few days on Olympus just catching up with everyone I haven’t seen since the dawn of the time.

Hestia: It would be nice to try to be a bit more proactive with everyone, getting together I mean. The Christmas thing is really good, but it would be nice to say, have our children around for once, and everyone in Hades like Charon and Minos, and the Olympians. It’s like wherever we pick to go, somebody has something against it.

Hephaestus: Speaking of Hades, here comes the prodigal uncle now.

Hera: Who’s that there? Is that Baby Boy?

Hestia: I’m not sure, he looks pretty young to be a God. Maybe he’s an Oceanid.
(Hades arrives with Persephone and Cephallenia)

Hades: Funny, funny, sis. I hope we aren’t unbelievably late.

Hera: You are, but you’re the baby, so everything is forgiven. Good lord, is that your daughter?

Persephone: I’d like all of you to meet Cephallenia, who I don’t think anyone besides Demeter has seen since she was a baby. Ceph, this is your aunt Hera, your aunt Hestia, her husband Prometheus, Apollo, and Hera’s son Hephaestus.
(general hellos)

Hera: Now I feel like a complete shitbag for never coming to visit you in Hades. But you know, it’s so dank and creepy there. It’s like being in a subway station.

Hades: Thanks, we actually find it rather homey.

Hestia: Baby Boy, I am the goddess of hominess, and that place gives me the chills. Oh, did you like the new throw rugs I sent you? They’re very nice for accents.

Persephone: They’re wonderful, thanks. So, when is this meeting we’re all meant to have?

Apollo: We already had one talk, and will have another in the morning. How about if I introduce Cephallenia to the rest and you can get caught up with things?

Hades: Perfect, thanks. We’d have come sooner, but you know how it is.

Hera: Where is Ares? I thought he was with you.

Hades: He was… oh, he’s gone to the water already. There’s a shock.

Apollo: Come on, Cephallenia, do you like to swim?

Cephallenia: There really isn’t anywhere to swim in Hades. Except Styx and that’s nasty.
(they walk to the water)

Apollo: Well, I bet if you want to learn Nathaniel can help you out. He is an Oceanid.

Cephallenia: Nathaniel? What a weird name.

Apollo: He’s Poseidon’s son. (she looks blank) You don’t know him yet, sorry. I can’t believe that no one’s met you, this is going to be a bit rough. You’ve heard of everyone though?

Cephallenia: I guess so. I heard of everybody at the fire.

Apollo: Good. Well, in the water there’s Poseidon doing laps with Aphrodite. And there’s Demeter, you do know her?

Cephallenia: That’s my gran. She comes to Hades at least.

Apollo: The rest of us are pretty bad about that. I’m sorry, it’s something we’ve all got to work on.

Cephallenia: I can see why you don’t go, it’s really boring. I’ve never gotten to leave until now, it’s so amazing here. So bright.

Apollo: This is the nighttime though. You’ve never seen the daylight?

Cephallenia: Nope.

Apollo: I’ll wake you up tomorrow morning early and you can see the sunrise.

Cephallenia: Thanks. You’re really nice, I thought you were one of Zeus’ kids.

Apollo: I am. But I’m sort of… on good terms with everyone, I hope. Speaking of everyone, we’ve got to introduce you. Hold on. (hollers to the water people) Hey, beach bums, come over here and meet your long lost niece or cousin or whatever!!
(Artemis and Eris come straight away)

Artemis: Long lost? Where’s she been lost at? Hi you, who are you?

Cephallenia: I’m Cephallenia. Hades and Persephone’s daughter.

Eris: No kidding! Welcome to the party, I’m Eris, this is Artemis. She’s Apollo’s sister and I’m Hera and Zeus’s daughter.

Cephallenia: It’s nice to meet you.

Demeter: There’s my little darling! I’m so excited you’re here!

Cephallenia: Gran! (hug)

Demeter: Ooh, can you not call me that, you’ll make me feel ancient. So you’re meeting everyone for the first time. I’m so excited! Poseidon!! Get over here!!
(Poseidon and Aphrodite show up, followed by Ares, Eros, Psyche, and Nathaniel).
This is Poseidon, Hades and my brother. And here is Aphrodite, the Goddess of lust, don’t listen to a word she says, Ares who is our nephew, Eros and Psyche, who are… older than all of us put together, and lastly, Nathaniel, Poseidon’s son.

Nathaniel: Hiya. How old are you?

Cephallenia: One hundred and ninety- seven. How about you?

Nathaniel: Oh, wow, I’ve lost count, but something like four hundred now. It’s nice to not be the youngest person here anymore.

Cephallenia: I’m used to being the baby, everyone in Hades is either old or dead.

Ares: Poseidon on the other hand just acts dead.

Poseidon: Excuse you, Warlock. I may not be the most active of the Gods, but I will have you know that the only time I was mistaken for dead was when I took on the form of a whale while dead drunk and beached myself.

Aphrodite: That’s quite talented, actually. I’d really like to see that.

Nathaniel: I’ve got pictures.

Poseidon: Hush, you. Or I’ll banish you to go talk to my boring older sister at the fire.

Apollo: Actually, I was thinking that Nathaniel might be able to help teach Cephallenia to swim, she’s not ever had the chance in Hades.

Aphrodite: You’re kidding me, no beaches. You poor darling, you have to come out and get your feet wet first. Come on. Nathaniel, come along and help.
(Cephallenia looks at Demeter, who smiles and nods)

Demeter: I’ll come out, too. It’s kind of scary when you first start.

Poseidon: How come I get the feeling he’ll be seeing more excitement these next few days than I will?

Ares: Day’s not over yet. (they smirk)
(camera pans out over various groups on beach, in water before fading in)