SCENE 22:
The lounge. This is a room with curtains and pillows everywhere, giving off the look of a Greek harem with less taste. There are ornate carvings everywhere and chaise lounge chairs scattered everywhere. Most of the furniture is distinctly Grecian or Roman, but a few touches of Scandinavia by way of bearskin rugs and tapestries give the room an unfinished and wholly chaotic look. Presumably this is Zeus’ idea of a comfortable retiring spot, but the rest of the gods find it as unappetizing as we do, and the only thing that makes it tolerable is the forthcoming knowledge of Dionysus-led revelry. The Gods ate dinner and now evening creeps toward the partying hour. There are a number of Oceanids and other lesser gods who hover in the background. Eris and Artemis are deep in conversation.

Eris: Not only did we all survive council, we survived dinner as well. I’m starting to think there’s some miracle going on.

Artemis: Must be. Right now I just want to have a good party and catch up with everybody. I’ll meet up with you later, alright?

Eris: We can’t catch up with people together?

Artemis: We’ve been in each other’s company non-stop for the past 36 hours or something, and I’ve seen you practically every day for the past thousand years. Can I just have some time to myself to catch up with people I don’t see?

Eris: Fine. You don’t have to be snotty about it, you can just ask.

Artemis: I am asking. I’m going to go talk to people. Good. Bye. (walks off, Eris rolls her eyes and sighs angrily. Prometheus notices her and stops)

Prometheus: Trouble in paradise?

Eris: No, just too much time together. I mean, we live together on earth but her hunting runs take her off for a few months at a time, and of course I work during the day.

Prometheus: What are you doing this lifeline?

Eris: I’m a bishop and a theologian. Might even make Pope again if I work at it. Probably not though, the way they make them now they last forever.

Prometheus: You and your churches. Why don’t you just hand the whole thing over the Zeus and let him play? He’d be happy as a clam and stay out of our hair.

Eris: Give it to Zeus? Then we’d have the Inquisition all over again. Look what happened when Ares got involved with things, total disaster, those Crusades. No thanks, I’ve got it all sorted out. How are things with the genetic engineering going?

Prometheus: Very well. It’s kind of funny that when I made humans, I just didn’t think they were that complicated at all, and now I’m learning all of these things about them, and I realize how lucky I was to get them done at all. I’m also learning about other animals, trying to see if their intelligence can be developed in a few hundred thousand years. Dolphins, you know, are a good prospect.

Eris: Going to reform Atlantis, are we?

Prometheus: No, no. Had our fun with that one. But I can’t get too attached to animals with Artemis always running around killing them.

Eris: Old habits are hard to break I suppose. I keep saying it’s a barbaric and utterly useless sport, and that she ought to get a real occupation like everyone else, but she won’t have it. She still wants to go out and hunt elephants or catch rare parrots or whatever ridiculous thing she thinks is good this week. It’s a constant point of argument. Funny how we’ve only been here a day and the arguments have started already.

Prometheus: It’s a large building but a small home.

(Eris nods knowingly. By now most of the gods have settled in to various groups, which are all chatting away. Persephone is talking to Demeter and Eilithea; Hades with Hephaestus and Poseidon; Eros and Psyche with Hestia; Athena with Zeus and Hebe; Minos and Charon with Nathaniel and Cephallenia; Heracles, Ares, Apollo, Dionysus, and Hermes with Artemis; Aphrodite with Hera.
Persephone: The boys are looking antsy, I suppose I should send Cephallenia to bed, or at least to another room.

Demeter: Why? She’s old enough not to be shocked by anything we do.

Eilithea: And if you send her away, most likely Nathaniel will get sent away, and they’re apt to get into more trouble alone.

Persephone: I doubt Poseidon would enforce restrictions upon his son. It’s so hard to tell what’s right, we’ve kept her so cooped up in Hades. It wasn’t really my idea, I always meant to have her travel, but we get so busy there.

Demeter: You just have to accept that she’s growing up, it’s not as though you were that much older when Hades met you for the first time.

Persephone: Well… I suppose you’re right. It’s so pathetic that I haven’t seen you guys in two hundred years at the very least, and now all I can talk about is my kid that I see every day! Have I always been this boring?

Eilithea: You’re not boring, Perse. It’s just difficult for all of us to find common ground anymore, it seems like everyone is off somewhere else, and… relations between some of the gods have gotten rather… clubby.

Demeter: What do you mean, Eilithea?

Eilithea: Well, like with those Grismas celebrations you guys are going on about, I never got invited to one, and it’s my own mother who started them up.

Persephone: I don’t think she meant to exclude you, I’m sure she just feels that you prefer to be here rather than earth. If it makes you feel better, I’ve invited people to Hades since I got married and the only person who comes is mum.

Demeter: It’s not that creepy once you get used to it. You’re right, though, Eilithea. We’ve always had our preferences for company, but things have gotten more pronounced since we’ve been away on earth for so long. I truly wish we could heal up all the rifts between gods, but the best we can do is tolerating everyone’s company for a few days.

Eilithea: I guess. I just feel totally left out because you’ve all had these wild experiences living on earth and have all these customs and knowledge, it just seems like I’ve been wasting my time. A thousand years, and what do I have to show for it? I can’t even get Hermes to be nice to me in the morning.

Demeter: It’s never too late to come down to earth and start with the lifelines. Any of us would be happy to show you how.

Eilithea: Yeah, well, I might have to come to earth with dad. I don’t know. I’ll decide after we talk to the Fates, like everyone else, I expect.

Persephone: You can always come to Hades just for awhile, to make up your mind.

Demeter: Why don’t you and Hades just admit that that place can run itself without you and it won’t kill you to spend a few months here on earth being part of the family?

Persephone: My home is in Hades. I’ve never wanted to be on earth.

Demeter: This isn’t about home and happiness anymore, Persephone. The gods are called to earth in one way or another, you will be expected to do your duty, and I imagine you might even learn to enjoy it. You’re becoming as antisocial as he is.

Persephone: He’s not antisocial. Just because he doesn’t like to chat about the weather or whatever else stupid things that people say just to say, doesn’t mean he’s unappreciative of real conversation.

Eilithea: He does seem to have gotten a lot more talkative with Cephallenia around. That must have helped, childbirth usually does.

Persephone: (grateful look) Of course, your godhead does wonders. It’s the part about letting go of your grown up children that’s hard.

Demeter: Which is why you should leave Cephallenia to enjoy herself tonight. However she sees fit.

(switch to Hades, Hephaestus, and Poseidon, who are not as interested in children)
Hades: I’m telling you, I haven’t had a good bottle of wine in four hundred years. The cooks in Hades really are the damned. It’s like they take the lesser gods, they pick out the ones who can’t buckle their own sandals, and they send them down to me.

Poseidon: I supposedly have the entire host of Oceanids at my beck and call, but I’m damned if I can get any of them to do anything. You tell them to keep watch over some river or other, and they run away to Portugal to marry a German painter. I mean the ones up here are so inbred that they literally think of themselves as the serving class, but the other lesser gods are just a handful.

Hades: Tell me about it. Minos and Charon are a pair of fireworks, I have to keep the two of them separated or God knows what they would do. Reorganize the entire place, I’m sure, I would be totally out of a job. Although truth to tell I think they’d both like to pack up and head to earth with you lot. Some days I’ve even considered it myself. I mean, I always tell myself we can’t get away, we can’t get away, but this vacation is the best I’ve felt in years.

Hephaestus: You should come to earth and try a lifeline. It’s very engaging.

Poseidon: Better yet find a nice patch of the world to start up a good business and settle down to raise your family. Now that Nathaniel’s fully grown I’m seriously considering having a daughter. I think the world needs a female version of me: brilliant, lazy, and tan.

Hades: I don’t think Cephallenia is very much like either Persephone or myself. Maybe more like Persephone before she came to Hades. When she was full of life and always the center of attention. My perfect compliment.

Poseidon: As opposed to now?

Hades: I guess we’ve both just gotten older and more focused on Ceph. I feel like I’m growing steadily more extroverted and she’s becoming a hermit. It’s like you think you know a woman, and then a couple hundred years down the line you wake up and think, who is sharing this bed with me?

Poseidon: I wonder that every morning I wake up with someone, but I’ve only known them a couple hours.

Hephaestus: I’m the last person to give you advice on marriage, my friend. Maybe you should talk to Prometheus or Heracles.

Hades: Prometheus. He’s happy as a clam. He and Hestia were always of the same mind about everything, they were made for each other. Like Eros and Psyche, except you can stand to be around them as a couple.

Poseidon: But Hephaestus makes a good point about Heracles. He’s been rather sequestered with his wife, and he always has this look on his face like he’s desperate to go out and play with the boys. I think he probably feels like his personality is getting sucked away between Hebe and her father, or if he doesn’t feel that way he should, because it is.

Hades: Olympus, the colony of leeches. You lot were smart to get out while you could.

Hephaestus: The same is true of anywhere, though. I lived in Tartarnyx for many years but it was just another case of small town politics. You have to go to earth and live in Rio for a few years, ten million people makes a big difference.

Hades: Ten million people? That’s like an entire circle of Hades. Well, probably not, there are so many souls there I stopped counting ages ago, but that’s a lot of people. It must be enormous. How do you get around if you can’t transmigrate?

Poseidon: Car, tube, you saw the cars at my hotel didn’t you?

Hades: Yeah, but… ten million. Well, I’ve got to see that. If for nothing else, I’ll come to earth to see ten million people in one city.

(switch to Eros, Psyche and Hestia)
Eros: I can feel people starting to fight already. It’s going to be a long night at this rate.

Psyche: It’s probably just everyone letting off steam. Things will be back to normal in the morning, no more arguments.

Hestia: I hope you’re right. I’m feeling a bit antsy myself. That could just be Eris in a bad mood, though, her emotions spread faster and farther than anyone I know.

Eros: She doesn’t mean to influence everyone else, though. It just happens.

Psyche: I wouldn’t mind being able to influence people without trying, though. Think of how happy you and I would make them, if they could feel our vibes.

Eros: Sorry, Hestia. We’re bad company, we know. It’s a miracle that any of you put up with us anymore. Thousands of years after meeting and we’re still giddy as schoolkids.

Psyche: At least we never have to feel guilty around you, Hestia, because your marriage is as strong as ours.

Hestia: Yes, but we have to work at it. It’s not just automatically perfect.

Eros: You have enough love for each other to make things work.

Hestia: Love, and patience. And flexibility and compromise. Love alone doesn’t mean terribly much, I’m sorry to insult you, but look at Aphrodite and Ares. They love each other, but they couldn’t have a good relationship even if they were free to have one.

Psyche: So true. I just feel so blessed to not even have to worry about that anymore. I mean, we’re just so comfortable in our relationship, we don’t even need anything else. Although, we should try harder to act like we do, it’s very unfriendly of us.

Eros: I agree. We should make our friends feel as valued and appreciated as each other.

Hestia: We will all be seeing a lot of each other over the next few months, I imagine. I think it would make the other gods feel a little better if you were less consumed with each other.

Psyche: Consumed with each other? I didn’t realize we were. Or that the other gods resented us.

Hestia: Oh, I’m sorry. I just meant that, you know, some of the other gods have mentioned that you are always together and always talking about your relationship. It sometimes feels as though you aren’t really concerned with what goes on around you.

Eros: We are very concerned about the others, and I think we let that show, especially by being here. We weren’t even properly invited, so we can go back, if we’re so horrid to be around.

Hestia: I didn’t say that, just that you could tone certain things down. It’s just a comment, I’m not passing judgment on you for eternity.

Psyche: Well, thank goodness, if you’re saying we should be sequestered away from everyone else. I just never knew you were this vindictive, Hestia. How long have you been saving this up?

Hestia: What are you talking about?

Eros: You were purposefully attacking us, and now you’re trying to deny it?

Hestia: (at a complete loss for words) You completely misconstrue my intentions. I’m very sorry. I’m going to step away before this becomes even more muddled.

(switch to Athena, Zeus, and Hebe)
Athena: Greece is no longer the center of culture that it once was. Still a nice place, but not economically or politically very influential.

Zeus: And this America is.

Athena: Yes, although of course with the joining of the European countries into the Union, we stand a strong chance of competing with them for supremacy. Economically Japan and southeast Asia are still a threat.

Zeus: Wars are fought with money these days?

Athena: Well… yes. For the most part. It is the prevailing sign of power, to be economically advanced. It’s not about military might anymore. I’ve always thought it curious that we never had a Godhead fully devoted to economic concerns. It’s more like parts of them are, Demeter’s I suppose, and Hermes’.

Zeus: And mine.

Athena: Of course.

Hebe: I don’t think I would like America very much. It sounds very big and very different from what I’m used to.

Athena: The world has changed a great deal in the thousand years since you graced its surface.

Hebe: I wouldn’t know, I’ve been faithful to my father.

Athena: One does not need to hide inside Olympus to be true to the King of the Gods. I have been preparing the earth for him, which I would say is a significant responsibility.

Hebe: Well, I’m glad you’ve managed to get it done right. It obviously kept you so busy you couldn’t visit.

Zeus: Hebe, calm yourself. Athena has explained the nature of her long absence to me.

Hebe: I’ve never had to explain anything, because I’ve always been quite obvious with where my loyalty is.

Athena: I certainly don’t think anyone ever thought that I was less than devoted to my father.

Hebe: Maybe they didn’t say it to your face.

Athena: I hardly concern myself with gossip. I find it uncivilized.

Hebe: So you haven’t heard the rumor that your love for Zeus is somewhat rivaled by your love for Apollo.

Athena: I have no love for him or that kind of love for any creature. I am a virgin goddess, I do not indulge in the weakness of the flesh.

Hebe: I’m so glad to hear that. I’ll go reassure Apollo on that point, I think he’s rather worried about you getting drunk and trying it on with him.

Athena: I do not indulge in alcoholic binges and… father, tell her to leave me alone.

Zeus: (disappointed that Athena cannot defend herself) Hebe, run along and torture someone else.

Hebe: Is that all I am to you, after all my years of care and consideration? Just someone to be cast aside whenever one of your precious Olympians comes home? I sacrificed all of my friends for you, and this is my thanks. Fine. (turns away and leaves to commiserate with Eilithea)

Athena: A singularly unbalanced girl.

Zeus: And you, the Goddess of wisdom, cannot even finish an argument with her?

Athena: What?

Zeus: I am not used to having to mediate in petty arguments between the Gods, I had thought you were adult enough to take care of yourself. Apparently I was mistaken in that assumption. (he steps away to speak with the boys. Athena, near tears, sits down on the ground and tries to regain her self-control. Aphrodite and Hera are deep in conversation)

Aphrodite: It’s marvelous.

Hera: It’s interesting, anyway. There are a great many unhappy faces already, the fights have begun. Be funny to find out who ends up in whose bed tonight. You know, just for comforting a friend.

Aphrodite: Of course, that’s all I’ll be doing tonight.

Hera: Speaking of Sin, how is the magazine?

Aphrodite: Awesome, the revenue stream is doing numbers I’ve never seen before, I’m invited to all of the important parties, celebrities on the cover, can’t complain. In fact, I think I have more money than you for the first time EVER.

Hera: I’m young in this lifeline, I just started it about eight years ago while she was in her teens. Back at the bank, though. I’m trying to sort out the accounting department, they’re so disgustingly careless and bizarre.

Aphrodite: And dishonest.

Hera: I should hope so. What do you think I’m paying them for? I tell you, it’s really difficult, though, because I’ve got an assistant whose desk is in my office, cause I’m only a junior, and so she’s breathing over me ten hours a day. So I’m having to sit there and schedule onto my calendar, things like ‘go to the bathroom’ or ‘drink some water’ so she doesn’t notice that I’m not a human.

Aphrodite: I know, I have the same problem. It’s like I hardly ever eat, because obviously people on a fucking fashion mag have anorexia, and there’s no food around. But the bathroom part is the worst, because all human women think they have to go in groups, so you’re in there with two other people, in the stall, just faking this pee noise.

Hera: Yeah. I actually reformed my digestive track so I can at least perform those functions when I have to, no faking noises.

Aphrodite: Oh, yeah? I hadn’t thought of that. I guess it is possible. I mean, we can look like anyone we want. Interesting, but you’re always one step ahead of everyone else about these things.

Hera: Thank you, my dear. I try. I’ve found it makes the human experience even more believable to me, and more challenging. I mean, I still can’t make myself hungry or have to actually expel what I eat and drink in a timely manner, but at least I can get the general idea. Like we don’t have to sleep, but we can.

Aphrodite: You can sleep for real? Not just a repose? How the hell can you sleep?

Hera: It’s a matter of splitting the consciousness. You have to sort of concentrate on setting part of your mind aside for doing things involuntarily, like breathing. And you can create a sort of pseudo-subconscious that will take over if you want to rest your active mind, it’s very relaxing. I adore it, but I never have enough time for it. And if you do it long enough, you start to dream.

Aphrodite: I’m so jealous, I want to dream. How do you dream?

Hera: Well, that part’s a bit harder. I actually learned how to do it reading Athena’s work when she was Jung a few years back. (she glances to Athena as she gestures, and sees that Athena is still sitting on the floor near tears. Athena has heard her name and looks at Hera with a particularly hurt expression that makes Hera visibly recoil. She calls out) Athena, could I have your advice on something? (Athena looks to say something nasty and then gets up and creeps over)

Athena: Yes.

Hera: I was trying to explain to Aphrodite how we can get ourselves to sleep and dream, and I was saying that I figured out about dreaming from your work as Jung, but I can’t possibly describe it to her, so I thought perhaps you could.

Athena: It’s a matter of symbols and (she is completely overrun by tears. Hera snaps a curtain shut before anyone else can see them and stands up, pulling Athena down to cry on her shoulder. After a second Athena pulls away) Why are you being so nice to me?

Hera: You have to let it go sometime. (we are not sure if she is referring to herself or Athena. Probably both. Athena breaks down completely, and Hera and Aphrodite stroke her hair kindly).

Aphrodite: Do you know, there are times I want to rip out Zeus’ vocal chords.

Hera: What good would it do? He would just write on the walls. Athena, do you want us to take you to your room, or do you want to stay here.

Athena: I don’t care.

Aphrodite: Then we’ll stay here. The boys can wait. (petting Athena) Shall I tell you a story about three Goddesses who entered a beauty contest after a particularly dull wedding? (Athena smiles faintly, Hera smiles broadly).

Hera: That’s one of my favorites, I should like to hear your version of that. (teasingly) What I would really like is a rematch where you can’t cheat so that I can rightfully win.

Aphrodite: Oh, not very likely. But anyway, like all tragic endings, our story begins with Eris getting pissed off…

(switch to Minos, Charon, Nathaniel, and Cephallenia)
Minos: And when we heard a voice behind us, we practically lost it, I thought I was going to curl up and die.

Charon: It was, however, just Hermes.

Minos: Just Hermes. So he’s all impressed that we managed to throw a proper party in Hades.

Cephallenia: I wish I’d been there to see it. It would be nice to just drink and smoke in the living room instead of having to run off into some storage closet.

Charon: Since when have you been smoking and drinking?

Cephallenia: Never, I meant, drinking nectar.

Charon: (laughing) You don’t have to worry about me. But I see what I’m missing being up on that damn boat.

Minos: You spend all day caked off your head on something when you’re on that boat.

Charon: Why not? It’s not like my job requires quick thinking.

Nathaniel: And you’re not afraid of Hades catching you?

Charon: He never checks up on me. Not like Minos, who he’s always popping in for a chat.

Minos: I just try to maintain a good working relationship with my superior.

Charon: You’re an ass kisser.

Nathaniel: You two should have your own television show.

Cephallenia: We don’t have a television set. Dad thinks it would ruin my education.

Nathaniel: He’s right. But that’s why it’s good. I mean, he probably thinks drinking and smoking aren’t too good for you either. My dad, on the other hand, started giving me wine with meals after my mother moved out when I was about fifty years old. I guess one lush in the family wasn’t enough.

Minos: You don’t get along with your father?

Nathaniel: Oh, no, we get along great. I mean, it’s more like having a big brother than a dad, and I guess that’s the problem. I know it sounds really masochistic, but it would be nice to have someone just give me some rules for once.

Charon: You’ve come to the right place. Nobody does rules like Zeus.

Cephallenia: He’s frightening. And I think he hates me.

Minos: Nah. He’s just not very friendly unless he thinks he can get something out of you. In a few years, though, he’ll be hitting on you.

Cephallenia: That’s disgusting.

Nathaniel: Eww, boys.

Cephallenia: I don’t hate boys. But he’s not a boy, he’s an old man, and he’s my grandfather.

Minos: An old man. So I guess Charon and I are just middle aged.

Charon: No, we’re ancient. We’re so old we left a kicking party to come to a stuffy dinner and what appears to be the waiting room for the amateur dramatics society.

Nathaniel: You mean this is all there is? This is the party?

Minos: I somehow doubt that. I haven’t ever been to a Dionysus party, but I think this is just the calm before the storm.

Cephallenia: I hope so. I desperately need a rum and Coke.

Charon: They don’t have Coke on Olympus, you’ll have to settle for root beer.
(they all give him an ‘ewwww’ look.

Switch to the boys’ group, which now consists of the four, Heracles, Artemis, and Zeus)
Artemis: I still think the best trick I ever played was when Actaeon caught me in a stream and I turned him into a deer. Fine hunting from his hounds, ha!

Apollo: Let’s see, that was punishment for what again?

Ares: I think it was for seeing her ugly naked body.

Hermes: Yea, I think seeing it must have been punishment enough.

Dionysus: Being ripped apart by his hounds was probably a relief.

Artemis: You lot are complete pigs.

Zeus: It’s a serious matter, though, humans seeing the Gods in a vulnerable state.

Heracles: Being caught naked isn’t as bad as being caught it women’s clothing, though, ruined my reputation for years!

Dionysus: Yes, but you look so cute in the little ruffle front thingies. Although white linen was never your color, you should try pink.

Apollo: You ought to come to earth, you can make a living dressing up as women now.

Heracles: Is that so?

Ares: I don’t think he could pull off the heels though.

Artemis: We should teach him the words to ‘I Will Survive’ just in case.

Zeus: Apparently you’ve learned the truly important aspects of living on earth.

Hermes: I’d really like to know what Hera and Aphrodite are getting up to with that curtain closed.

Dionysus: It can’t be anything too good, Aph really likes it when people watch.

Apollo: I thought that Athena went over to them. But I don’t hear any sounds of bloodshed.

Ares: Now that I’d like to watch.

Zeus: I don’t like the idea of any of these curtains closed, this is supposed to be an open get together. (calling out) Aphrodite. (after a second her head pops out of the curtain)

Aphrodite: What?

Zeus: What are you getting up to?

Aphrodite: Nothing. (she closes the curtains for a second, and then reappears and comes out of them) Just girl talk.

Zeus: With Hera.

Aphrodite: Yes.

Zeus: And Athena?

Aphrodite: Yes. So when are we going to have something worth partying over, Dionysus? I’m afraid I’m pretty disappointed so far.

Dionysus: I haven’t started yet!

Hermes: Exactly. What’s keeping you?

Ares: We demand a good party this instant!

(Dionysus shrugs and claps his hands, the lights dim to black lights, house music begins and various lesser gods of both sexes with glow sticks jump on chairs and begin to dance. A few gymnastic types wearing chains and collars run in and do slightly perverse tumble runs and pretzel their bodies, etc. Waiters literally juggling bottles and glasses come along and refill drinks and hand over fresh glasses, etc. People breathing fire share floor space with inline skaters doing tricks and wrestlers. Many of the lesser gods change form every other minute or so to confuse things even more. The entire effect is a complete lack of attention span. At the noise the curtain behind opens and Hera and Athena, looking collected, come down and join the crowd which has now gathered around Dionysus.

Heracles: Now this is what I call a party.

Hera: What, Dionysus, no dance of the seven veils?

Dionysus: Well, for you darling… (he jumps up on a chair and begins a trashy striptease. The other gods are highly amused. Demeter comes up to Aphrodite)

Demeter: I don’t suppose anyone thought to bring any ecstasy with them.

Aphrodite: Shit, I totally forgot about mind-altering substances. Another thing that hasn’t quite made it to Olympus.

Charon: (overhearing) But it has made it to Hades. (he whips out an impressive assortment of pills, powders, and greenery).

Aphrodite: Charon, I haven’t seen you since the beginning of time. Aren’t you prepared? (she makes a good show of choosing a pill and gives him a thank you kiss. Demeter selects another pill and kisses his cheek for thanks while Poseidon, Hera, Nathaniel, Ares, Apollo, Eris, and Artemis all gather around for pickings. Minos takes his own greenery out.)

Minos: Does anyone know how to make a bong out of a wine bottle?

Nathaniel: You can borrow mine (hands a small water pipe over).

Poseidon: (boredly) Drugs are bad, son. (to Charon) Have you got any Vicodin?

Dionysus: (who having stripped off completely jumps down and joins them, to Hera) You didn’t watch the best bit.

Hera: Sorry, distracted by the possibility of something that will make this party downright tolerable. I do hope he doesn’t run out of E. I’m not tripping in this mess.

Dionysus: Why didn’t you tell me you partook? I’ve got some myself.

Hera: Yeah? Can I get some?

Dionysus: Hold on, it’s between my gum… (starts to reach up with his hand)

Hera: There’s an easier way to get it (kisses him). Thanks, you’re a doll.
(Meanwhile, Psyche and Eros look at each other and frown and leave the room. Apollo is dancing with Aphrodite, Eris and Artemis have obviously made up [and out], Poseidon is whispering into Hermes’ ear, Nathaniel is tripping while sitting next to Minos and his bong, Ares is on speed and is wrestling with one of the living props, Zeus is cuddling one of the ex-dancing girls, and Heracles is in a rather intimate laughing conversation with Demeter. If looks could kill, Hebe’s would. She marches over to Charon.)

Hebe: I hear you’ve got something better than alcohol.

Charon: Lots of things. What would you like to feel?

Hebe: Something that will make my husband jealous.

Charon: There really isn’t a pill you can take for that. But if you want to feel a little flirtatious, I’ve just the thing. (he hands her an E, she examines it before shrugging and popping it into her mouth).

Hebe: Thanks. How long does it take?

Charon: On humans, a while, you can speed the process if you just concentrate on it.

Hebe: (thinks, then eyes open wide) Thanks. (Give him very long kiss).
(Athena, who has been looking rather wallflowery, finally gives an inevitable sort of sigh and sits by Minos.)

Athena: Do you have any more acid?

Minos: You… take acid?

Athena: (rolling eyes) I invented it. Originally a mind control drug, remember? Now do you have some, because Charon looks a bit busy.

Minos: Sure. (he pulls some out) Here you go, top grade stuff, but I guess you’d be the judge of that. (he hands it over, she takes it)

Nathaniel: That is so fucked up. You’re like the stodgy one, you can’t take drugs.

Athena: (having sped up the reaction is now tripping) Sorry to disappoint you. Now, get up, we have to go find that light.

Nathaniel: Which light?

Athena: (pointing) That light.

Nathaniel: (eyes round) Dude. (Minos looks about but sees nothing, then again he is baked. Nathaniel and Athena get up and wander about for the rest of the scene, stopping off to stare at things and otherwise totally and completely happy in their own little worlds. Elsewhere, Hestia, Prometheus, Hephaestus, Hades, Cephallenia and Persephone are all talking. The adults are all drinking. Ceph looks at the bottles with interest, unbeknownst to her parents.)

Hestia: Even I have to admit he’s outdone himself, and the last good party I went to was the Grand Opening of a furniture shop.

Hephaestus: Yes, I might be persuaded to have some fun tonight.

Hades: I know the feeling. No harm in kicking back one night of the year.

Persephone: You don’t think it’s a bit loud?

Hades: No, the music’s good. I didn’t realize they could even make music sound like this.

Prometheus: You should come to earth, my friend. I’m more into rock, personally, but this is good for a party.

Hephaestus: I was a big fan of heavy metal, personally. Very sad to see the 80’s go. Grunge isn’t bad either.

Hestia: I can see you liking that. I’m pathetic, I only listen to jazz and new age.

Hephaestus: Old jazz or fusion jazz?

Hestia: Old, mostly. Miles, Ellington, a bit of Gillespie.

Hephaestus: Good stuff, I should burn you a copy of the recording I have from when I was in a jazz club in Harlem in the 20’s.

Hestia: We lived in Harlem in the 20’s.

Hephaestus: (laughing) Never mind then. I should be asking you for things!

Persephone: (to Hades) It’s getting kind of late, don’t you think we should all go to repose for the night?

Hades: It’s fun. We haven’t been out like this in ages. I’m going to stay around awhile.

Cephallenia: I’m not really tired either.

Persephone: (to Hades) I don’t really want to go back to the room alone.

Hades: Then stay here. A little bit of dancing should wake you up.

Persephone: No, I’m not really in the mood for dancing. But you go ahead.

Hades: Okay. Anyone else? Ceph, do you want to come out and dance?

Ceph: Sure.

Hephaestus: Think I’ll wander with you, I have to ask Dionysus something.
(they get up and go)

Persephone: Three hundred years ago I would have loved a party like this. I would have been out on the dance floor all night.

Hestia: You don’t enjoy it anymore?

Persephone: Not really, I’ve started to feel very claustrophobic when there are too many people around. I think I’ve just been too isolated in Hades, new people frighten me.

Prometheus: Why don’t we go out onto the balcony? It’s a little quieter and less busy but we can still get free refills on the wine.

Persephone: Thanks, that’s perfect. (they leave.

Switch to Hades, Ceph, and Heph, who are now over by the other gods. Nothing much has changed except that Ares has given up wrestling the props and is now giving intimate lessons on wrestling to a lesser goddess)

Hades: Well, I guess now isn’t a good time to ask Heracles for marriage advice.

Hephaestus: Or to talk to Dionysus. (spotting the bong) But perhaps Minos might help. (they wander over) Minos, are you carrying? (Minos looks up and almost busts a gut seeing Hades. Hades just cracks up.)

Hades: Come on, man, do you really think I care?

Minos: Uh, well, I.. uhhh… didn’t want to risk your displeasure. But if it’s okay…

Hades: I don’t mind what you do as long as you do your job when it counts. I don’t really do them anymore, (looking at Ceph) and you’re a bit young to start, but Heph wants something.

Minos: Sure, what I didn’t bring Charon did. (looks at Hades again) umm… Hephaestus?

Hephaestus: Do you have morphine?

Minos: Old school. Wow. I don’t, I might have some opium, though. Hold on. (rummages through pockets, pulls a few things out. Hops up, taps on Charon’s shoulder even though Charon is on a chaise with Hebe looking five minutes away from sinful) Charon, do you have any morphine?

Charon: (paying half attention) Do I have any what?

Minos: Morphine.

Charon: No, and I’m a little bit busy at the moment.

Minos: You should get a room for that, her husband can beat up anyone in the universe.

Charon: Not if he’s still humping Demeter.

Minos: Your life, man. (walks over to Dionysus, who is alternating giggles and nibbles with Hera) Dionysus.

Dionysus: (paying less attention) Mmm?

Minos: Do you have morphine?

Dionysus: I didn’t bring any CD’s.

Hera: Then how did you get the DJ sorted?

Dionysus: Lesser music god. Wait, are you talking about music or drugs?

Minos: Drugs.

Dionysus: Oh, right. (feels for pockets) Oh, hell, I haven’t even got any clothes. Try Minos.

Minos: I am Minos. (Hera giggles compulsively)

Hera: Well, who wants morphine anyway? That went out a hundred years ago.

Minos: Hephaestus. And all I have is opium.

Dionysus: Opium’s lovely, give him that. (Minos shrugs and returns to Heph and Hades. Ceph has already swiped a large cocktail and is drinking to make up for lost time)

Minos: Only opium, sorry. Can smoke it with weed if you want. (sitting down on pillows)

Heph: (shrugging and also sitting on floor, after a second Hades sits) If that’s all there is. You have paper?

Minos: Of course, this is a full service house of debauchery.

Hades: Good, then you have enough for me.

Minos: Smoking up with the boss, won’t Charon be jealous when he finds out about this.

Cephallenia: I think he’s pretty happy already.

Hades: Are you drinking?

Cephallenia: Yes.

Hades: Well, good for you. This is a party. (Minos hands each of them a joint and lighter) Good stuff. Very nice. I doubt Persephone would approve, but there you go.

Hephaestus: She’ll get over it. They always do. Where’s mine, anyway? (he scans the area) Apollo, might have known. I wonder what the chances of finding a good Oceanid are, or if Zeus has them all to himself?

Cephallenia: (since she is standing) He’s got three now. One in his lap, one on the arm of the chair, and one… anyway. There are still plenty of other pretty people around.

Hades: Where did Nathaniel go?

Minos: He and Athena are tripping.

Hades: Athena. Is on LSD?

Minos: Yeah, she invented it. Just shows what you know about people.

Hades: Guess so. But with Nathaniel? Do you think she’s like a… kind of a pedophile?

Minos: (slowly) They are tripping. They have about as much sexual interest as a stagnant bog.

Hephaestus: (giggling) All bogs are stagnant, that’s what makes them bogs. (All collapse into laughter. Cephallenia looks down.)

Cephallenia: Well, since you won’t be dancing, da, I’m going off on my own.

Hades: Fine, have fun, send back some Oceanids. (she starts to walk off) Blondes, preferably. (to Hephaestus) Do you like blondes?

Hephaestus: I’m rather partial to redheads.

Hades: Married one. I definitely want a blonde, I hope she remembers.

Minos: (mostly to himself) Just shows what you know about people.