Deus ex Machina

The setup:
Since the worship of the Greek gods took a nosedive, the Gods have had to find new ways of keeping themselves busy. Zeus stayed on Olympus to bask in the past and control the lesser gods. Hera was the first to leave Olympus, having gone in the Grecian times when Dionysus’ mother was invited to Olympus. After that, Hera decided to use her powers over marriages and kingdoms and before long was a powerful broker. Soon interpersonal relationships gave way to business relationships, and modern commerce was born. Having been a key shaper of things, Hera is now a CEO of a major financial corporation, specializing in mergers and acquisitions (whose marriages are so often like her own). The other Gods have found their own paths in their own times, some seeking glory, others seeking merely fun, and have generally lost touch with one another. Finally Zeus decides that Olympus is getting stale for him, and discovers that Hera has quite a cushy empire on Earth that he thinks, as her husband, he is entitled to rule over. Sending Hermes out to gather up the Gods, Zeus thinks it is high time that everyone remember who the King of the Gods is… except that the other Gods aren’t so keen on being obedient anymore, and Zeus discovers his old behavior isn’t quite up to human evolution. Soon the Gods have split off between those who are on Zeus’s side, and those who think it’s time for the God of Lightning to mind his own business.


SCENE 1:
Hera’s Office. (Hermes comes in dressed as bike messenger during meeting, she tells him to wait in office)

Hera: What the fuck are you doing h-… why are you naked?

Hermes: I don’t like lycra, too itchy.

Hera: Nice. Well, obviously you have a message. What is it?

Hermes: Don’t you want to know how I’ve been?

Hera: Not particularly. I doubt that you hurried here on winged sandals to have a chat about the weather. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be stupid enough to interrupt my board meeting for an inane little get together. So why are you here?

Hermes: That’s always been your problem, Hera. Too much business and not enough pleasure.

Hera: With you I find neither. I assume you didn’t crawl down from upon mount high on your own reconnaissance, what does Zeus want?

Hermes: The King of the Gods wishes to speak with you. He feels very lonely on Mount Olympus without his dearest wife to comfort and console him.

Hera: Console him? What, did he choke on his ambrosia?

Hermes: I am merely speaking in the general. He wishes to know what keeps his wife from him for so many years.

Hera: Taste and intelligence for the most part. But I can’t help but think that Zeus has some specific reason for wishing to seek me out now.

Hermes: Maybe.

Hera: I’m sure I’m not interested. Tell him I have no plans to return to Olympus in the near future.

Hermes: It is not you alone he wishes to speak to.

Hera: What do you mean?

Hermes: The mighty Zeus wishes to gather all of his family and fellow Gods together to discuss our shared future.

Hera: Our shared future? Shared usually means something involving people who can tolerate each other’s company. Somehow I think that excludes Zeus and I.

Hermes: But you are his wife.

Hera: And you are his lapdog, but I imagine it will escape your report to him that you attempted to seduce me while delivering your message.

Hermes: I’m not trying to seduce you, I told you, I can’t stand human clothes. Totally silly, if you ask me. I mean, the body is such a beautiful gift (ruffling Hera’s skirt).

Hera: Clever boy, trying to warm me up like this. Won’t work. What does he want, a shared future? He knows I’m not coming back to Olympus, so unless he decides to come to… oh, Gaea, no, he’s not coming to Earth, is he?

Hermes: I’m not authorized to disclose the plans of the God of the Heavens.

Hera: Oh, cut the shit, Hermes. He’s coming here, isn’t he? That figures, just when I get comfortable, someone has to come along and ruin everything. Just when I get out of my father’s stomach, oh look, why don’t you marry the most arrogant, sexually malignant psychopath the world has ever seen? And now, just when I’ve got a good raise and a house in the Lake District, who has to come along? Zeus. Zeus, the great. Zeus, the one who thinks that monogamy is a city in Japan.

Hermes: You seem rather upset. Perhaps a good lie down would help you unwind.

Hera: Hey, whooo, time out from sex, alright? Answer the question, messenger. Is he coming to Earth?

Hermes: (shrug) I guess.

Hera: (sits down and bites at thumb) Why?

Hermes: What else is there to do? You can only sip so much nectar and chase so many Oceanids. You lot seem to be having a good time, why not join in? He could do with a little uncontested cosmic power.

Hera: But that’s exactly it, Hermes! It’s not like that anymore! We don’t just sit about invisible and play with humans like a chessboard. They don’t believe in us anymore, we can’t go lording our powers over everyone and expect to be worshipped. We live with them, as humans, with human lifetimes, and guess what? Not very much power at all.

Hermes: I somehow doubt that you would be content without a horde of priestesses bowing and scraping to you.

Hera: I’m telling you, those days are long gone. It was nice while it lasted, but we helped human evolution about as far as it could go, and now it’s all down to them. The reason we’re still mucking about down here is that it got incredibly boring on that mountain, and for most of us, the company was insufferable. At least on Earth I get to choose who I live with.

Hermes: Exactly. You live a privileged life here on Earth, and as your husband, Zeus is entitled to share what you own and derive his pleasure from it.

Hera: (laughing) Darling, it’s the twenty-first century. Human women don’t have to have chaperones anymore, they live where they want. As do I. It’s unfortunate that Gods can’t be modern enough to get divorces, but there you go. I’m stuck with Zeus as a husband, and I’m more than happy to let him into my bank account but I’m afraid I don’t have any magical mind control pills to hand over to him. If he, and you for that matter, want to live on Earth, guess what? You’re going to have to work for it.

Hermes: We don’t work, we’re gods.

Hera: Not anymore. It’s all very well to say we’re practically omnipotent and can turn people into pretzels with the wave of a hand, but what good is that going to do? People now, they’re all obsessed with science, it’s like being a spiritual eunuch. But they like it, they all want to be clever and cynical. I mean, you could still use the invisible hand and manipulate them into doing things, but it’s no fun anymore. After you’ve fought the Trojan war, it’s all a bit downhill. How are we going to top that, eh? And nowadays, these humans, they’re so caught up with technology, if you want to control them you’d have to reprogram all their computers. Talk about boring.

Hermes: I’ll accept that fact that you lot have decided to go around in human form, since I’ve seen you interacting with them, but I can’t believe you haven’t got some sort of power over them. Every time I’ve been here for the past two hundred years you’re involved with this Bank of Thames.

Hera: Right, I have. But not continuously, and not exclusively. So in a sense, I’ve built this bank from the ground up, and it’s mine, but at the same time, I have to start every new ‘life’ from scratch, so I’ve got to bum it all over again.

Hermes: I’m not following you. It seems to me that you have a large financial institution at your beck and call, and that makes you, and Zeus, when he comes here, able to pretty much wreck whatever financial markets he wants.

Hera: Wreck them, eh. Right. Hold on (goes to desk and presses intercom). Ares, I need you in my office.
(Door opens, in walks Ares and see Hermes’ naked back)

Ares: Hey, just what do you think you’re doing? (Hermes turns around) Hermes! My brother, what’s up? (they hug)

Hermes: Running errands, thought I’d come have a chat with your witch of a mother.

Ares: Hey, don’t get me into trouble here…

Hera: I assure you I won’t blame you for having obnoxious relatives. I certainly have enough myself.

Ares: (confused) We have the same relatives.

Hera: Well exactly. (confused herself) Anyway, Hermes has just announced to me that he and your father are considering making the Earth their home.

Ares: No kidding! Welcome to it, then! What are you going to do?

Hermes: What we usually do, make humans worship us and fulfill our every needs, and see whose city destroys every else’s.

Ares: Umm, it’s not really like that anymore.

Hera: That’s what I said, he doesn’t believe me.

Ares: We’re just kind of humans ourselves now, Hermes. I mean, you know, we can’t be born obviously, we have to take over young human bodies when they tragically die or whatever, and go to school and get a job, and work our way into what we want. And then you have to age and fake your death and start all over again.

Hermes: Get a job? A human job?

Hera: Forty hour work weeks, darling, learn to love them.

Hermes: You can’t be serious.

Ares: Well, I didn’t really think much of it at first, either. I kind of sucked the first hundred years or so.

Hera: That’s because you were still trying to remake the Roman Empire when the rest of us were in the middle of the Renaissance. But we all cheated pretty badly until the 1700’s when Athena was that Voltaire bloke and they started all those bizarre revolutions. We didn’t really get serious until 1800, remember we had that big centennial party?

Ares: That’s right. And the thing of it is, I’ve tried to cheat, but you can’t anymore. Science and technology, we just can’t hack it. It’s better to go with the flow and see what you can make of things in forty years, just like everybody else.

Hermes: So you’re telling me that Hera, the Queen of the Gods and her son, the Greatest Fighter the world has seen, are now slumming it so badly they can’t even get a few virgins sacrificed for the glory of the Gods?

Hera: That’s about it, yea. Pretty pathetic when you put it that way, maybe we should all get together and have a good purging of the heathens.

Ares: The power, the strength, the fact that you don’t have to worry about internal revenue and pension plans. It is extremely tempting. And I mean, who are we to go against the wishes of our eternal leader, Zeus?

Hera: Our what? If Zeus was our leader he would have paid attention to us before this, when it suddenly suits him now to notice what we’ve been doing. No, we all made a pact to protect humans from our stupid whims. The entire point of coming here was to see that, yea, we could lord over them, but when the chips were down, could we live like them? Could we hack it in their world?

Hermes: What is that supposed to prove? We’re the gods.

Ares: Yeah, but, she’s right. We’ve done all that, so Apollo said, why don’t we try something else? And we were all so bored, we figured, why not? I reckon we’ll be bored of this in another couple hundred years, but by then, maybe humans will be well enough off we can go retire to Olympus for good. Or maybe they’ll be powerful enough that we can live amongst them as equals.
(all laugh, yeah right).

Hera: The point is Hermes, that Zeus cannot come down here and start sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong. I think it would be best if he were to come down and talk to all of us before doing anything.

Hermes: Did I not already tell you the King of the Gods requests a meeting with all of the lesser Gods to discuss this very thing?

Ares: Hey, watch it. Just because we’re on Earth doesn’t make us Lesser Gods.

Hermes: (waving away in apology) Excuse my mistake. Will you attend upon him? He wishes you to come immediately.

Hera: That is not possible. We will be with him at our convenience. Hermes, I will inform the other Gods of what you told us. You need only go to them now and ask them to come here within two days. On the third day hence, you may inform your Lord that we will expect his hospitality at the Palace of Olympus.

Hermes: And what are you going to be plotting in the meantime? I think I should like to stay around and find out what you lot get up to around here.

Hera: I think if you begin to annoy me I will call upon my friends the Hecatonchires, who guard Tartarus, and have them accidentally forget they’ve locked you inside of it.

Hermes: That would be a threat, except that Zeus would free me.

Hera: You are wrong in that assumption. Zeus can only put Gods inside of Tartarus. There is but one God who has the power to let them out, and that is my brother Hades, who would be very little bothered to use such power for you. Run along now and perform your duties.

Hermes: I shall fly on winged sandals.

Hera: GO.
(Hermes disappears, Ares and Hera look at each other in trepidation)

Scene 2:

(Apollo is in the middle of filming an interview with an entertainment news show.)
Interviewer: So who are the actors that you look up to?

Apollo: Valentino is a big inspiration, actors from the past like Richard Burbage.

Interviewer: How can you appreciate an actor who’s been dead for four hundred years?

Apollo: Oh, you know, reruns.

Interviewer: Now tell us about your latest project, this is a movie set in ancient Rome, what kind of research did you have to do for the part?

Apollo: It’s funny, actually, because I’ve always felt very attached to that period in time – almost as if I was there. So it was really more of a homecoming than anything.

Interviewer: Well, thanks again for your time, Nick. Now it’s time to announce our prize winner for the day, who gets a kiss from the super sexy Nick Phaedra! (women scream, the interviewer opens an envelope) And the winner is… Leslie Banks!
(one woman screams loudly, and from the aisles someone rushes onto the stage and hurls themselves at the now standing Apollo, only it isn’t Miss Banks, it is Hermes)

Interviewer: Security!!
(Apollo pulls off and takes a second to realize who it is)

Apollo: Herms! What are you doing here? (security has come up and hovers)

Hermes: Have to talk to you.

Interviewer: Do you know this man, Mr. Phaedra?

Apollo: Yeah, it’s alright. Did it ruin your take, I’m sorry. (to audience) Sorry, Leslie, but I’ve got to run! (grabs Hermes’ arm and heads to dressing room, backstage)

Hermes: You’ve got it alright, women throwing themselves at you.

Apollo: What can I say? I’ve had enough lifetimes of Nobel Science winners and poet laureates, every hundred years I insist on being a movie star.

Hermes: So you really are doing this human life thing, too? (walking out back and climbing into limo during next few speeches)

Apollo: What do you mean?

Hermes: I spoke with Hera, and she said that you lot were living like humans, working even. I thought she might be a bit out of her head, you know Hera.

Apollo: I like Hera, but I guess I’m one of the few. She is right, yeah, that’s what I suggested in the Renaissance, after we’d made a mess of everything with the Holy Roman Empire. It just seemed a good time to retire the old stuff and try something new. I hear you and dad are still hanging out on Olympus chasing the lesser goddesses. How’s that?

Hermes: The king of the Gods is tired of having his needs attended to on Olympus. He wishes to return to Earth and remind the humans how to worship their betters. You are expected to attend him on Olympus to discuss the matter.

Apollo: What did Hera say about that?

Hermes: Screw Hera.

Apollo: Love to, but she’s awfully frigid.

Hermes: You’re not missing anything. But she does wish for the Gods to come and chat with her at her corporate empire in the next two days. I would suggest that Zeus would not be pleased if you were to ignore his commands in favor of Hera’s petulant wishes.

Apollo: Still, I think it would be best to talk to her first. We have got a good thing going here on Earth, I don’t know if I want to go back to the old ways.

Hermes: What, the taste of power no longer suits you?

Apollo: Come on, look at me, man! I get more servants and people coming to my beck and call as an actor than I ever did as a God. I mean, let’s face it, Olympus is a nice place, but you can’t really get good help when they’re all inbred from the same stupid minotaurs and gorgons. Look at Pegasus, back in the day we all thought, great, a winged horse! And now it just sits there and shits on the entry tile. I have no desire to go back to that.

Hermes: But you wouldn’t be in Olympus, you could live on Earth, just as a God with proper temples.

Apollo: I have three thousand websites dedicated to me and a museum in a hometown I didn’t even physically grow up in. Who wants some drafty stone building with a big statue in the middle? This is the twenty-first century, Hermes, things have really gotten away from all that stuffy worship bit.

Hermes: That’s what Hera said, the 21st century, what does that mean?

Apollo: Um, when was the last time you came to Earth?

Hermes: I’ve run a few errands, but didn’t pay attention much. The last time I really noticed things was when the men were wearing pointy tights and the women were wearing pointy hats.

Apollo: The Medieval Period. You haven’t paid attention to human development over the last, oh, seven hundred years?

Hermes: We’ve been quite busy on Olympus, sorting out things with the lesser Gods, chasing Oceanids. And there weren’t many messages to deliver since you lot refused to come back to Olympus and Zeus certainly wasn’t going to call a gathering of the Gods just to say hello and ask how your holidays went.

Apollo: We didn’t refuse to come back. Well, most of us didn’t. There just didn’t seem to be much reason to. I mean, I always meant to go see the old man, but you know, you get busy… I guess I was chasing Oceanids myself.

Hermes: Welcome home, brother. I assume you’ll come now?

Apollo: Yeah, of course, but like I said, best see to Hera first. What exactly did she say?

Hermes: I don’t remember, I’m not her servant.

Apollo: Never mind, I’ll call her.

Hermes: Call her? She won’t hear you, it’s quite a long ways. I only got here quickly because of the sandals.

Apollo: (looking at Hermes strangely). Right, well, you’re right, I better leave now, you know how transmigration can be tricky. Good seeing you then.

Hermes: Always. I’m off to see the Goddess of Love now.

Apollo: Then you’ll never get back to Olympus on time!

Hermes: (smirking) Some things are worth getting in trouble over. (disappears).

Apollo: (shakes head and pulls out cel) Hera? Apollo here, I just got done with Hermes….