SCENE 7:
Poseidon’s Beach Resort. Poseidon is still sunning himself on the beach, olive polo, bright blue towel. Demeter and Aphrodite and also sunning themselves. Nathaniel walks in with drinks for the women and looks at them with extreme interest.

Aphrodite: Aren’t you a peach, Nathaniel, bringing us drinks.

Demeter: Your father certainly raised you well.

Nathaniel: Yeah, no problem. Anything you need, let me know.

Demeter: I’m fine now, it’s just so nice being away work. Are any of the others here yet?

Nathaniel: Not yet, I guess you’ll have to leave the beach when they do.

Aphrodite: Don’t be silly. Any business that can’t be done on the beach isn’t worth doing.

Poseidon: That’s exactly what I said. We can have a meeting right here just as easily as anywhere else. Of course, the three of us are going to be drunk as skunks by the time the rest of that lot show up.

Demeter: Too late, here comes the demon duo and scary girl.

Aphrodite: Apollo and Artemis haven’t changed a bit, have they?

Demeter: Hopefully Eris has. It seems like every thing she touches goes horribly wrong somehow.

Poseidon: Well, she is the Goddess of Discord, you have to expect these things. I wouldn’t worry about it, the Trojan War came our alright, didn’t it?

Aphrodite: Not for the Trojans.

Poseidon: You know what I mean, it’s not like the world ended, though.

Aphrodite: And what would you say about her little experiment in suggesting a monotheistic religion to the humans?

Poseidon: Granted, I’m not the biggest fan of Judeo-Christianity, but they did make nice churches.

Demeter: You’d say that, you never got burned as a witch.

Poseidon: You got burned as a witch?

Demeter: It isn’t funny! Do you know how hard it is to fake a human death when you’re being encompassed by flames? I was so mad that I gave them crop trouble for twenty years. I know we’re not supposed to do stuff like that anymore, but I figured they had it coming.
(by this point the threesome have approached. They are all holding hands.

Apollo: Who had what coming?

Demeter: Germans, they burned me at the stake.

Artemis: Ooh, I’ve got you beat. When I was in southeast Asia I hunted some sacred animal or other and they tied me to a tree to be eaten by the local insect life.

Aphrodite: Nothing compares to having decided to become a prostitute in London in 1888.

Eris: What on earth possessed you to do that?

Aphrodite: Well, when I started that lifeline in 1860 I wasn’t exactly going to know about Jack the Ripper, was I?

Apollo: Still, kind of silly being a prostitute anyway. You could have been an actress and gotten paid much better.

Aphrodite: Oh, I’ll leave the acting to you, pretty boy.

Nathaniel: You were really good in that last movie, the one with the, you know, genetic engineering stuff.

Apollo: Thanks, Nate. How’s life on the beach?

Nathaniel: Really good, yeah. I keep thinking one of these days I’ll get a human lifeline like you guys, maybe be a swimmer or something, I dunno.

Aphrodite: Don’t waste your time, in another hundred years you’ll be bored as hell and have to do it to keep from going crazy, but until then, you might as well just sit here and have pretty girls bring you drinks. You do have pretty girls working here don’t you?

Artemis: That sounds like something I’d ask.

Eris: You’re taken, young lady. I will be watching you.

Artemis: But it’s the first full council of the Gods in what, seven hundred years? When have we ever gotten together on Olympus and not had a giant boinkfest?

Nathaniel: Really?

Demeter: Absolutely sinful displays of sexual perversion.

Apollo: Ladies, show some decorum. We’re supposed to be role models.

Poseidon: Ha. I’m his father, and I’m perfectly willing to discuss the possibility of an Olympian shagathon. Certainly will make up for the fact that we have to put up with Zeus again.

Eris: And Athena, that’s the really tough part. I mean, I know she comes out for Christmas every few years, but at least then we get some forewarning.

Nathaniel: How come Christmas is never a boinkfest?

Artemis: That’s a good question, I dunno. I think because we’re all really happy here, but when we get to Olympus it’s just bad memories, and stress and madness. You’ve not been there, have you?
(Nathaniel shakes his head)

Poseidon: We haven’t exactly been invited.

Eris: Join the crowd, and he’s my father. What can I say, I wasn’t one of his special children like the Perfect Twins here.

Apollo: We never tried to be perfect. I hope none of you still resent the attention that we got sometimes…

Artemis: We? Speak for yourself, brother. I wasn’t a favorite either, it was you and Athena, the chilly bitch.

Apollo: But I never sought that preference, it just fell on me, and I tried so hard to make sure that there was peace between everyone.

Poseidon: You have always been singularly conscientious, Apollo. Certainly I never had any reason to be jealous of you, and I could have hated you for any number of reasons, but what’s the point? You’re a great guy.

Demeter: Exactly. I do pride myself that I’ve treated all of you based on the kind of people you are, not because Hera was this way or Zeus was that way.

Eris: It’s a miracle that any of us get along at all anymore. Although the funny thing is I find it easier as time goes by, maybe because we’re not all cramped up on that mountain just wanting to tear each other’s hair out.

Apollo: Coming to earth was the best thing that we ever did.

Aphrodite: We had been on earth before, dear, your idea that we live like humans was the kicker. It’s been one great ride ever since.

Artemis: What would I do without my clever brother? Oh, yeah, that’s right, I’d cuddle up with my girl. (squeezes Eris, they giggle)

Poseidon: You two are on the verge of sickening me. Ah, but who comes this way to save me?
(Hephaestus, Hestia, and Prometheus approach).
Welcome to paradise, sister!

Hestia: It’s incredible. Why haven’t I come here more?

Demeter: Because you’re terribly dull and serious!

Hestia: Is that it? I will have to change that. Hello all, Sesi, Dem, Dite, Pollo, Artie, Eri. Nathaniel, I swear you’ve grown (he exchanges a look with Poseidon).

Nathaniel: Thanks, aunt Hestia.

Prometheus: You lot look completely comfortable, I take it we’ll be meeting out here?

Aphrodite: Of course, darling, it’s fabulous out here.

Prometheus: It’s awfully bright, though.

Hestia: That’s because you spend all day in a laboratory. With fluorescent lighting, no less, if you would just listen to me about the full spectrum lamps you’d have half the eye troubles you do now.

Artemis: Nag, nag, nag. Remind me never to get married.

Eris: (feigning hurt) Uh!

Apollo: I think it’s particularly remarkable that the two of you are still together and happy. Although I believe you should both get more sunlight and fresh air, look at how pasty you are!

Demeter: They can’t, they’re allergic to fun.

Prometheus: That’s unfair, why just yesterday I started cloning a giraffe, and it’s great fun.

Hephaestus: A giraffe now? What’s the timeframe on that?

Prometheus: Probably a few months to get it in the womb, and then, the normal.

Aphrodite: Oh, no, no shop talk. We are on vacation and I refuse to listen to the two of you and your incessant work.

Hephaestus: Hello, wife. (a chill falls over the crowd)

Prometheus: Perhaps we should put our stuff away at the hotel? Do we have to check in or anything?

Poseidon: Don’t be silly. We’ll get the help to bring your bags up later, I just don’t want them hanging around while we’re discussing Olympus. They might ask for a raise if they know they’re employed by an ancient God.

Hestia: You never change. Apollo, you’re doing quite well in this lifeline. A movie star, I thought that was Dionysus’ territory.

Apollo: He’s actually directing music videos now. I think movies don’t really have enough sex and violence to attract him. Is he coming here, does anyone know?

Demeter: I haven’t seen him for ages, I hope he does.

Eris: But he is rather afraid of mum.

Artemis: Still, I’m sure he was invited here. I didn’t speak with him, did you Pollo?

Apollo: Yeah, quickly, I called him after Hermes came for me. Hermes is a bit out of it, isn’t he? Didn’t understand phones at all.

Hestia: I know, and it took him long enough to make it out our way, I imagine he hasn’t even gotten to Hades yet.

Prometheus: It is at the edge of the world, you know.

Aphrodite: Well, I’m afraid I threw his schedule off a bit, but you know I couldn’t help myself. He’s so delicious.

Hephaestus: He’s a little prick.

Poseidon: Enough, you two. For the sake of the rest of us, can you please agree to a truce for the next three or four days? We’re going to have enough of it with Hera and Zeus in the same room.

Artemis: I’m so not looking forward to that. Just when Hera had gotten completely normal and calm, he has to come in again and make her crazy again.
(Hera has snuck up on the conversation with Eros and Psyche)

Hera: Again? I didn’t realize I was ever crazy.

All: Hello, heya, what’s up, etc.

Apollo: And Eros and Psyche! I didn’t even begin to hope that you would join us.

Eris: How are you two???

Eros: Wonderful, how are all of you?

All: good, great, etc.

Psyche: Well, we weren’t exactly on Zeus’ list, but Hera here called us and let us know what was going on. I mean, we try to stay neutral on most things, but we’re quite fond of earth the way it is. I’d hate to see anything happen.

Artemis: Amen to that.

Demeter: It will be nice having Gods of your age and wisdom there, having known Gaea herself, and even you Prometheus, I think having older Gods around tends to keep Zeus from getting too uppity.

Hera: Nothing keeps Zeus from being obnoxious, darling, but it will be a great pleasure to have them at Olympus all the same. We so rarely get to see the two of you at Christmas even, so busy with yourselves.

Eros: We’ve spent a great deal of time away from earth lately, but then also we’ve built up our advertising company here.

Aphrodite: So you’re the one responsible for all the naked people in adverts.

Eros: No, no, remember sex is your department, love is mine. Actually, for the past few decades we’ve been writing greeting cards.

Psyche: It’s quite sweet because the humans see us as this little old couple, just brilliantly happy after all those years.

Artemis: How cute. I think you’re about to make Nathaniel gag.

Nathaniel: What? I didn’t… well, it’s not exactly what I’d do.

Poseidon: Oh come on, I think it would be good for you, go to work for friends of the family. You could write some really excellent cards I’m sure. “Thank you for the gift. It was crap, but at least I can exchange it for a new video game.”

Prometheus: At least Nathaniel remembers things like our wedding anniversary, unlike some fathers who will remain nameless.

Hestia: And he actually cooks food for Christmas dinner, unlike some brothers who bring a Jell-o mold from the shop every year.

Eris: At least it isn’t fruitcake, I suppose. And it’s better than that health food crap that Apollo is always forcing on us.

Apollo: It’s good for you, and if you ever tasted it you would be quite surprised.

Hera: Who cares if it’s good for us, we’re Gods! I’d rather have something really fattening and awful. I mean, what have you got from eating all those rice cakes and tofu salads? Where is this great body we’re always seeing on television, eh? Hiding behind your shirt now.
(Apollo blushes, they all call out at him to take it off)

Aphrodite: You used to run around Greece completely naked and it never bothered you one bit, now all of a sudden you’re embarrassed.

Apollo: Well, I just, I got this tattoo.

Demeter: This we’ve got to see. Take it off. (he takes his shirt off, revealing a tattoo of a lyre on his left shoulder blade)

Artemis: You got a tattoo of a lyre? That’s pathetic.

Apollo: It’s my body and I like it.

Aphrodite: I like your body, too, darling, but the tattoo is a bit lame. Then again, when have I ever turned down something lame?

Hephaestus: Are we going to have a meeting about Olympus or are we all going to chat for two days?

Hera: How right you are, my son. I sent Ares off to make sure that Hades and Persephone would get here on time, and I hope they are on their way, so perhaps we should make a start and they can catch up with us. The issue, as you know, is that Zeus wishes to have a new reign on earth, with all of the bowing and scraping and sacrifices and incense. I personally feel this is a bad idea for several reasons. First, human evolution has progressed to a point where they no longer need our guidance as Gods. It would, in fact, be quite detrimental to their current worldview to impose a new spiritual movement on them. Secondly, it is not entirely certain that we would even be able to rule over the humans anymore. Technology and overpopulation has made the way we previously ruled over them to be superfluous and inadequate. We might try to make a go of things, and succeed only in embarrassing ourselves. Thirdly, as you already suspect but might not think I’d admit to, I don’t want to have anything to do with Zeus, ever again, and whatever plans he comes up with are guaranteed not to bring my help or encouragement in any way. I cannot speak for the rest of you in this matter, though, and I am curious as to your impressions.

Eros: Perhaps it would be helpful if we all went around in a circle, so we could hear what everybody thinks.

Hera: A good suggestion. Why don’t you begin?

Eros: Okay, I already mentioned that I try to keep neutral as much as possible. My concern is for the state of the humans, and I think your first and second point reflect that. I agree, it would be downright foolish for Zeus to attempt control over the humans at this date, and I would like to persuade him out of it.

Psyche: My thoughts are similar. I hope we do not have to come to more serious measures to keep Zeus from the earth, but it would be very sad if he were to hamper their development out of his pride.

Poseidon: On that point, I think we can all agree. I’m quite torn, because personally I have my little corner of the world that I keep to, and I don’t much want to get involved with anything controversial. However, in this case, I am prepared to use all the resources available to me if Zeus meddles and if things go wrong. But to tell you the truth, if he wants the earth so badly, he can have it, he’ll just try it again in another thousand years.

Demeter: Cynical, but probably true. Be that as it may, I don’t like the idea of going back to a crop goddess and having people killing virgins just to ask me to make it rain. I realize that Zeus’ attempt at control wouldn’t necessarily mean that I’d have to assume my old duties, but… I just don’t want the pressure, and I’d rather see him find something better to do.

Aphrodite: Fair enough. I’m not entirely sure what I want right now. I like playing at human lifelines, but then I liked being a fully committed goddess. I’d like to hear what Zeus has planned specifically and find out if it’s even feasible. I do think that if any of the rest of you choose not to engage in your former duties, you should in no way be punished or guilt tripped about it, and I know that is one thing where Zeus would be particularly in need of guidance.

Eris: At least you’re honest about it. I, on the other hand, am quite certain that I know what Zeus has planned. I am also in the unique position of being able to directly stop him, for although I do not have the power to go against him, I do have the power to, shall we say, ruin the best laid plans? I will exercise my powers to see that Zeus is not successful in this attempt, and I will not hesitate to exert myself against anyone else who takes his side. I’ve seen what humans will do in the name of religion, and I will not stand back and let someone as power crazed as Zeus come in and give them something new to kill for. We started living as humans as a game, but this is serious.

Artemis: Indeed, this is. I do not want to see all of us fighting each other, but what other option is there if Zeus persists? I know what he wants and why he wants it, but I would like to think that we can convince him otherwise. He is not always the easiest to reason with, but… I keep saying but, I hate speaking in front of everyone, this isn’t my thing, sorry, as I was saying, we’ve just got to stop everything going bad.

Apollo: My sister brings up an important point. We already know that Zeus and Hermes are interested in the pursuit of earthly rule. I assume from Dionysus. absence that he, too will be following that path. There are of course a host of lesser gods in Olympus and on earth that will do the bidding of Zeus. Against all of these forces, Hera and Eris have announced their unequivocal opposition. Some of us will wait and see what happens before taking sides, and some of us will probably remain neutral throughout. But it is important to remember that this is not a popularity contest, over who likes Zeus and who likes Hera, and what position we choose is not tacit agreement with the motivations of anyone else on that side. We must each do what is right for us, because it is what we believe will be best, not for us, not for Olympus, but for the humans. I, too, feel that there is no place for Gods in the human world. I stand with Hera on this.

Hestia: You are right, Apollo. I do not wish to see another Titanomachia. Having the gods face against each other was the most traumatic experience of my life. There was a rift that was caused by that, which could only be healed by the distance of Tartarus, and I will not watch another war end that way. I advise you, Hera, although you are capable of it, to not take that path to winning. This is a fight over earth, keep it on earth. It is already clear to me that Zeus will make this a war between gods and he will infuriate you, I know. But do not use this disagreement as an excuse to try to destroy Zeus. I will support you in your efforts to protect the humans, and I will defend you against that man more than anyone. But I will not watch you fail yourself if you become too passionate in this cause. You must rule yourself, Hera, if you wish to maintain your leadership.

Hera: The war between Zeus and I is our own affair. I had never intended to drag any of you into it. I will not promise you that I will show him any more mercy than he would show me. But the fight for the humans will always be separate from what I may feel or think about Zeus. And I scarcely need your advice on my emotional state, Hestia. I am no longer a slave to the jealousy and hatred which eroded my judgment when last we lived on Olympus. If any of you question my abilities, then you should fight for the humans on your own terms. I do not ask you to join me in any way, I merely request that you stand up against a threat to our mutual protégées. As Apollo said, this is no popularity contest, and I am not here to make friends.

Prometheus: But you are also not here to make enemies. Be patient with those of us whose involvement in this affair is less personal than your own. I of all the Gods should be angry with Zeus’ suggestion, as it was I who first created the humans. Yet I have always known that it was the rest of you who would bring out their true potential. Which you have. Now I hope that you allow them to keep that potential by turning Zeus from his purpose. Whether this is through persuasion or manipulation or all out war, I am prepared for my part to do whatever it takes. And let me assure you that I would rather wipe them all out in an instant than watch them suffer and devolve under Zeus’ tutelage.

Hephaestus: Let us hope it does not come to that. I, too, do not like the idea of interfering with the humans. You need but look at what the influence of the other Gods has done to us to see how dangerous we are, and we are supposedly much stronger and wiser than these humans. If we cannot protect ourselves from each other’s machinations, then surely we cannot expect the humans to stay on their best behavior. We are not fit to be their inspiration.

Hera: Nathaniel, you are not an Olympian, but certainly as a lesser god have some opinion of things. I am especially interested to know if you are in contact with any of the other lesser gods.

Nathaniel: Yes, my mother’s family I see once a year, sometimes more. They’re not in thrall to either Olympus or earth, really, I think you would have to approach them with the situation and see how they favored things. Most of them will probably be neutral, their functions are more bound to the earth than humans, so they don’t really care what happens.

Hera: And your own thoughts?

Nathaniel: Oh, I don’t know. This is the first I’ve heard of anything like this, so… I guess, I mean, you lot seem to be doing alright for yourselves the way things are, and I can’t really imagine people suddenly starting to worship you all again without it being weird cults with nasty-haired polygamists as their leaders. Which, maybe that would give Zeus what he wants and the rest of you what you want.

Apollo: It would be the ideal solution. But I fear that father will not be satisfied with just poodle hair psychopaths. This will be a long, drawn out business. And I was having so much fun. (he sighs)

Hera: There is still time for fun. Since Hades and Perse have still not arrived, why don’t we call this meeting adjourned, and then talk again tomorrow morning about how to approach the King of the Gods.

Aphrodite: Nice of you to say that just as the sun is starting to go down, we’re not going to get a hint of a tan now.

Demeter: And it’ll be too cold to swim.

Poseidon: I’m sure you can warm the waters up, my dear. And if you can’t, then I will.

Artemis: Excellent, I could do with a dip.
(scene fades as rest chatter on, Hera sits apart stroking her neck thoughtfully)