SCENE 11:
Evening. They’ve decided to have a pool party this evening, so are on the patio, pool lights ablaze, drinks everywhere, music on, candles on all the tables. Hades has arrived finally and is sitting at a table with Hera, Nathaniel, and Cephallenia, drinking absinthe. Poseidon is on his usual chair by the shallow end, next to Eris and Prometheus. In the pool, Aphrodite, Ares, Dio, Hebe, Eilithea, Artemis, Minos, Nike, and Hestia frolic. Heracles is talking to Persephone on the edge of the pool with their feet in the water. Hermes and Charon are strung out in lounge chairs smoking opium from a hookah. Apollo is in a lounge chair opposite staring off into space. Athena has positioned herself right in front of him and is slathering lotion on herself.
She makes a big show of not being able to get at her back, and approaches Apollo with the bottle in hand.

Athena: Would you mind doing my back, I can’t reach it.

Apollo: Why are you putting on sunscreen at night?

Athena: (pissily) It’s bug repellant lotion.

Apollo: It’ll just wash off.

Athena: It’s waterproof.

Apollo: (rolling eyes) Turn round, then. (slaps it on her back in one very non-erotic move) There.

Athena: (not pleased) Thanks, you’re a sport. (decides to change tactics, starts purring again) You look terrible, Apollo. (sits on his deck chair and starts to stroke his legs) Are you sure there isn’t anything we can do to make you feel better?

Apollo: (still looking out blankly) Can you kill me?

Athena: It can’t be as bad as all that. (she brings her hand up until it reaches his crotch, and she looks at him expectantly but he’s completely gone. She looks like she is about to kill him, actually, and jerks her hand away.) Well, maybe you’ll cheer up later.

(Charon and Hermes, who are directly opposite, have watched all this and are dying laughing, slipping deeper down their chairs until their heads are practically at the waist bend)

Charon: Someone’s not getting fucked tonight.

Hermes: And it isn’t me, I’ll tell you that. Great that Nike’s come, puts things just right so no one has to do without.

Charon: I hadn’t actually counted, is that right?

Hermes: (looking at him doubtfully) You should always count, mate. That’s the most important thing there is.

Charon: I suppose. I’ve found that even if you don’t get it in the night there’ll be something in the morning.

Hermes: Why make it either/or? I do both and everything else in between as well. There’s quite a fucking selection tonight. I think this is the first gathering where I would happily fuck everyone here.

Charon: Yeah, you’re right. The tight ones have all loosened up, and that dippy love couple isn’t around, so it’s a good singles vibe. I guess Hestia and Prometheus are pretty joint at the hip, though.

Hermes: Not for long. Dionysus taking that train home tonight, I guarantee it.

Charon: You think? I would never guess. But haven’t they been together since, the beginning of time or something?

Hermes: Since well before I was born, yeah. And in one day, it all comes crumbling down. Or should I say, it all comes bubbling up into her…

Charon: I think I’ve got the picture, thanks.

Hermes: She’s not so bad now that she actually smiles, you know. Like Athena. Looks like she won’t be going to Apollo’s bed tonight. I wonder who she’ll come crying to now? (he taps his finger to his lip theatrically.)

Charon: Won’t fight you there, she still gives me the creeps. I think I’ll just give Hebe or Eilithea a little tap on the shoulder before bedtime and I’m sorted.

Hermes: Yeah, that’s always an option. I’d rather have something a little newer.

Charon: Now’s your chance, she’s in the pool. (Hermes nods and gets up and dives in one smooth motion, showing no sign of drugs. Charon shrugs and continues on. Hades, Hera, Ceph and Nathaniel keep lighting cigarettes using their citronella candle and practically blowing it out)

Hades: This absinthe is fucking amazing. I’m fucking trucked already.

Hera: You’re trucked? That’s a new one. Fucking candle keeps blowing over, these new wicks suck.

Hades: Better when they were made from animal fat, you remember that?

Hera: Love, I remember when they were made from human fat. Those are the ones that burn best. (Ceph and Nate shiver)

Ceph: How cheery.

Nate: You always have such lovely stories, Hera.

Hera: That’s because I’m a bitch. So one day in and you two are safe so far. What are you going to do about tonight? (they exchange looks)

Nate: Probably sneak in after she’s going to bed.

Hera: I wouldn’t worry, she’s not going to bed alone tonight.

Hades: Thanks, sis. Good to be reminded.

Hera: And what have you been doing for ten months with her holed up in Canada? You weren’t boning your cheerleaders or whatever it is you have with your cricket team?

Hades: I’m not saying I’ve been clean, I’m just not sitting here at the party picking a dick for the evening. They come in an assortment of shapes and sizes, with come color variation to the trained eye. She might as well just suck them all off in a row.

Hera: (looking a bit guilty about the bet and all) Oh, I’m sure she’s just trying to make you jealous.

Nate: It’s certainly working, then.

Ceph: Then she has the nerve to sit there and tell me I shouldn’t be spending so much time with Nate. After abandoning me for an entire year!

Hades: I don’t suppose I was much better.

Ceph: At least you visit. And you don’t tell me what to do.

Hera: I know you don’t want to hear this, Ceph, but it’ll be easier when she knows about you and Nate. She’ll get mad, she’ll realize she can’t do anything about it, and she’ll get over it.

Nate: Yes, after she castrates me. Good plan, Hera.

Hera: Don’t be such a headcase, Nathaniel. Do you really think your father and his sisters would let that sniveling little cunt come after you just because you’re boning her daughter?

Hades: Hey, I know we’re not quite together, but that is my wife.

Hera: And I love her, but anyone who annoys my brother Poseidon will pay. It’s a pact we made long ago to each other, and we’ve had to burn a few cities to the ground and behead a few thousand people, but we’ve kept it. (Ceph and Nate look terrified)

Nate: I’m really fucking glad you’re on my side.

Hera: I do hate to see young love endangered. We didn’t really have that opportunity.

Hades: Not even close.

Ceph: Maybe you should think about finding someone yourself, dad.

Hades: Like who? Nike? I mean, she’s fucked everyone here a couple thousand years ago, can’t be too excited. Athena will have a line from the scumboys who’ve been trying to get into that since the Egyptians were still digging their graves, and Hebe and Eilithea will wait to see who’s left over from their other attempted conquests.

Hera: Guess that just leaves Aphrodite.

Hades: Fat chance.

Hera: Never underestimate the power of curiosity. Not that you’re the only long married guy on the market tonight.

Hades: You don’t think Prometheus would even consider cheating.

Hera: He would if she would, and trust me, she will.

Nate: Shouldn’t you be protecting her, too?

Hera: Course not, you can’t protect someone from themselves. It’ll be a good night. Artemis and Eris won’t last the week either, not with Nike around. All we have to do is get our dirty paws on Eros and Psyche and we’ll have everything sorted.

Ceph: You seem to be enjoying yourself. I thought you were the Goddess of marriage, not adultery.

Hera: Shows what you know.

Hades: And who’s on the menu tonight for dear sister?

Hera: Oh, but that would be telling.

Nate: Just remember if you hear me scream you’ve promised to come protect me.

Hera: No worries.

(Eris, Poseidon and Prometheus are passing around a huge bottle of rum)
Eris: Good day to end monogamy.

Prometheus: All good things must end. And the really shitty things have to go sometime as well.

Poseidon: I’ll drink to that.

Eris: You’ll drink to anything.

Poseidon: Is that bad?

Eris: Do you ever thing about settling down, Pos?

Poseidon: Not really. I don’t know. I suppose things will be pretty quiet when Nathaniel heads out, I don’t actually like to think about it.

Prometheus: He’s been good for you.

Poseidon: Made me grow up a bit, yeah. But I’m not going to run out and get married. Look where it’s gotten you two.

Prometheus: (kidding) It’s all Hera’s fault, this marriage business.

Eris: (not kidding) Everything is her fault.

Poseidon: You two in a fight then?

Eris: No, it’s weird, this is the first time in my entire life where mom is getting along with both Hebe and Eilithea. So I figure one of us triplets ought to hate her out of principle.

Prometheus: Never was the easiest family, yours. Our kids are all as happy as clams with each other. Didn’t want to be Olympians, just wanted to go and have their own families with the other antisocials. Don’t rate Tartarnyx much myself.

Poseidon: I think it’s a dreadful hellhole, tell you the truth. I can see if you were afraid of humanity you’d want to go out there, or if you thought Olympus was too ‘elite,’ that was always the term in vogue, then you’d hide out there.

Eris: Olympus was pretty elitist. But the Fates are far worse, up there with their little compound that none of the other gods are ever invited into except Eros and Psyche, who might as well be from another planet – oh wait, she is.

Prometheus: They’re coming, I suppose.

Poseidon: Tomorrow. Have a feeling all hell will break loose tomorrow. Assuming we survive tonight.

Eris: As long as Demeter makes good on her promise to stay away, we should all be fine.

Poseidon: Eris, take a long look at Athena and tell me that everything is going to be fine. Better yet, take a long look at Apollo. I mean, I realize he spent the better part of the 13th century sulking, but we were all in a bit of a funk then.

Prometheus: Was that the 13th century? I think I slept through that, tell you the truth.

Eris: I don’t remember what I was doing, but you’re right, I remember avoiding Apollo for about 75 years. That was when we all went back to Olympus, though, I think I avoided everyone.

Poseidon: Generally the best thing to do at the time. Not a bad idea even now.

Prometheus: Aren’t we a bitter bunch? We should be drinking scotch.

Poseidon: Got scotch. Somewhere.

Eris: Well, go and get it then.

(Pos shrugs and gets up, walking along the pool by where Heracles and Persephone are talking

and blushing like youngsters)

Persephone: Stop, I’m not.

Heracles: Why not?

Persephone: Because I don’t want to.

Heracles: It’s a pool! Why don’t you want to go swimming in the pool?

Persephone: I’ve just never felt comfortable in these modern clothes, especially not swimsuits.

Heracles: Persephone, we used to wear translucent linen before underwear was invented. Actually, most of us ran around naked, and that never bothered you. Why this sudden interest in modesty?

Perse: I never went about in the nude. I just don’t feel comfortable being on display.

Heracles: Well, what if no one could see you?

Perse: Then it wouldn’t matter what I wore.

Heracles: Exactly. So if we were to go down to the beach and swim, where it’s dark, you wouldn’t have to worry about a swimsuit or any clothes at all.

Perse: But… (she is somewhat strapped for an argument, his logic being sound on this point)

Heracles: It’s just a midnight swim. Okay, a ten in the evening swim, but still. There’s no moon out tonight, and the humans never get near this beach, what could you possibly have to worry about?

Perse: As long as you promise not to play any tricks like stealing my clothes or something.

Heracles: I wouldn’t do that, I’m not Hermes.

Perse: Definitely not. I wouldn’t be in a room alone with Hermes if you paid me a thousand dollars. (Heracles tries not to smirk at this)

Heracles: He means well, he just…

Perse: Thinks about everyone as a possible sexual conquest. They’re all like that, Hermes, Dio, Ares. I mean they don’t understand what it’s like to be married and stay with one person your entire length of being.

Heracles: It’s an act of sacrifice, and they’re just not mature enough to do that.

Perse: Exactly!

Heracles: I do want to swim though, will you come down to the beach.

Perse: Why not, we married fuddy-duddies should stick together.

Heracles: (leering behind her back) Oh, definitely.
(Those in the pool notice the departure of Heracles and Perse. Dio, Hestia, Minos, and Eilithea are gossipping on the very subject. Aph, Ares, and Hebe take note, and Artemis and Nike are oblivious)

Dionysus: Well, there goes my money. Damned again.

Hestia: I don’t think she’ll fuck him just yet. She is awfully precocious, not even wearing a bikini.

Eilithea: She’s just shy, and modest. Perse was always like that, remember how she used to double up the linens so no one could see her nipples?

Hestia: (giggling) I do, now that you mention it. Oh, lord, I bet she’s the one who invented bras.

Minos: I doubt that. She would always wear clothes, in Hades, that were from around the 11th or 12th century, just long robes with long sleeves, really foreshadowing the goth craze actually. That was until about the 1960’s and we started getting these women coming into Hades wearing pants, and finally she came round to that idea, and got blue jeans.

Hestia: She still wears dresses more, though. It’s odd, I always just noticed it and never thought about it. How can you be a God and be modest? It’s just beyond me.

Dionysus: Kind of creepy, if you ask me. I’d hate to think what poor Hades has been doing to keep that missionary position fresh and exciting.

Eilithea: You’re terrible, Dio. I wonder how much action he has been getting these past few months.

Hestia: Enough, I think. He loved someone very much, back before the war, and she was taken to Tartarus, and he lost all interest in love or sex. For millions of years, it meant nothing to him. And then he met Persephone, right at the time he was starting to seriously think about getting a wife for the old place, and there you go. But I don’t think he’s ever lusted after her or needed sex with her. His heart is still entirely devoted to someone else, I don’t think he has sex more than once a year or something.

Dionysus: That’s impossible

Eilithea: Some people, Dio, don’t subsist entirely off their own cum.

Dionysus: Thank god we have people like you, dear, who subsist off others’.

Hestia: Enough, children.

Minos: It’s always so fascinating to me to hear you and Hera talk about the old days. When I met Hades and Persephone they were already married. Long married.

Hestia: And I still remember the day he first saw her. They really deserved each other, both kind of like skittish colts. Thank god he carried her away to hide in that little hovel for a few thousand years so they could both grow up.

Eilithea: I think they’re doing more growing up this past year than they ever did in Hades. Marriage really stunts people’s emotional development.

Hestia: Well, thank you, I’m glad to hear that.

Dionysus: It’s never too late to have an affair and start developing all over again. (Hestia does not dignify him with a response, but smiles mysteriously and swims away on a backstroke)

Minos: I don’t think we have to worry about much stunting this week at least.

Eilithea: No, no I have a feeling that's the least of our worries.

(Aphrodite, Ares, and Hebe are not too far from the same conclusion)

Aphrodite: Looks like the decrepit old gods will be happy, they’re all coming out ahead on this thing.

Ares: They know their shit. They were sleeping around before we were even born, they’re experts on this.

Aph: Bloody Hestia didn’t, and she caught on to the Heracles angle straight away.

Hebe: That’s because she’s going off Poseidon’s conclusions, and Pos knows everyone involved deliciously well. I’d give a great deal to know what Mum thinks.

Ares: She won’t talk, she’s enjoying being a bookie, you can take her out of the bank, but you can’t take the banker out. Jesus, it’s vacation, and she’s scoring for cash.

Aph: Scoring for drugs and sex, too. Which means everything is as it should be.

Hebe: Look at Artie and Nike. Doesn’t she realize that Eris smoking out of her eyeballs? I think that’s just cruel.

Aph: Darling, didn’t you do the same thing to hubby last year?

Hebe: He started it. At least, I think he did. Who cares, it’s different when two people are actually supposed to love each other. Heracles and I were just stupid.

Ares: Glad you’re finally figuring that one out. I had that pegged when he was cleaning shit out of stables and couldn’t figure out how to do it without getting all over himself.

Aph: The fine art of delegation. The best was that whole bit with Atlas taking over the world for a day. Complete wanker, Atlas. Miracle he escaped Tartarus.

Hebe: Didn’t he get into some sort of pact with Zeus?

Aph: Something like that. Basically Zeus wanted him around to keep an extra pair of strongarms around if the other gods got upstarty. He’s been paranoid of this one here since the day he was born.

Ares: I barely escaped being swallowed. I guess he wasn’t worried about Hermaphrodite, I mean, Hephaestus.

Aph: Not his baby, though, can’t be a fucking curse against him.

Hebe: And I suppose he wasn’t in the slightest afraid of us. We’re juts girls after all.

Aph: Awfully stupid if he wasn’t, since you are the reincarnation of the Fates.

Ares: You can’t be reincarnated if you’re immortal.

Hebe: I think we decided we’re their transposition. Or something like that. There had to be an official term for it, because it was an instance of Divine Providence.

Aph: Damn well doesn’t happen enough, DP. We always had rugged parties when that happened.

Ares: Yeah, the end of the Trojan War was still the best instance of Divine Providence, we’re kicking our fucking feet up on shrooms while the city burns to the ground.

Aph: I preferred the burning of Rome, actually.

Hebe: Troy had less architectural interest. When Rome went down, it was like fireworks, and then you had this pillar of ash spreading like a volcano.

Aph: That was Pompeii dear.

Hebe: No. I meant there was this blanket of ash that seemed to be literally moving as the fires went off. It was all that concrete.

Ares: Why don’t they build more cities in concrete? Durable stuff. I could never understand all the marble and wood – I mean, there’s a stupid material to build from. You’d think these people had never heard of stones.

Hebe: You know humans, always skimping. Cheapskates.

Aph: The only thing they’re generous with is ripping apart the Ozone layer. I mean, come on, I like a little tan with my sun. If I wanted to turn purple and explode I would move to the sun like cousin Ra.

Hebe: We don’t have a cousin Ra. That was Apollo in his pretentious phase.

Ares: He left that phase?

Aph: Course, darling. He’s moved on to utterly intolerable.

Hebe: Still, it is rough having Demeter leave and him having to feel guilty about it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt guilty about anything.

Aph: No, it’s a particularly ungodly emotion, I’ve always thought.

Ares: I felt guilty once, but that’s because I wiped out the wrong side in a war. Very inconvenient, and it threw everyone off. It was like, logistically impossible. Talk about a fuckup.

Aph: Which war was that?

Ares: One of those Carthage wars. I was still starting out, you know. Got a little cocky after Troy.

Hebe: Stop it, I miss Carthage.

Aph: It was a rathole, they hadn’t even invented handcuffs or cock rings.

Ares: Well, I’m sorry about it, Hebe. It was an honest mistake!

Hebe: You’re really saying you allowed the entire city to be horrendously destroyed, because you fucking couldn’t tell the difference between Roman legionnaires and the Carthaginian elephant core?

Ares: Dionysus gave me some really good shit.

Hebe: I fucking loved that city!

Ares: Well, it’s too late now. Hey, I tell you what, maybe you could convince Apollo to do a movie about it!

Hebe: Come here, brother. (swims over to him and begins to drown him, surprisingly successful considering the size difference, etc.)

Aph: It’s a long fucking night.