SCENE 16:
Eros and Psyche are in a plain bedchamber that looks like no one has resided in it for some time. During the entire scene they cuddle, kiss at one another, and generally act like the disgusting PDA couple you want to throttle.

Psyche: It’s been such a long time, and obviously no one’s fixed it up.

Eros: I’m surprised that no one’s taken it over as their quarters. The younger gods pretty much have the run of the palace these days.

Psyche: (teasingly) Don’t you mean the lesser gods?

Eros: He’s such a pompous ass. If Gaea knew what was going on here, she would destroy them all and start from scratch.

Psyche: I don’t know about that, I think she has her ways of finding out. After all, the only reason I ever came out here was to check up on you lot.

Eros: And you ended up falling in love and staying forever. That’s so cute.

Psyche: I assume that she’s why she asked me to go. She’s so clever. I do wonder what would have happened if she had stayed, and this entire planet was still a matriarchy, even amongst the Gods.

Eros: Best not to think about it! Might have beens never get you anywhere. If Gaea had stayed, she never would have given birth to you, and that would have been tragedy.

Psyche: I’m sure you would have ended up with Demeter or someone else, and been perfectly happy.

Eros: (remembering) Maybe not Demeter. But I found you, and you are my light and my life.

Psyche: That’s very soppy, we’ll have to put that on a greeting card.

Eros: Look at your memory. We already did, Valentine’s five years ago.

Psyche: That explains it. That’s your holiday, remember? I’m Thank You and In Sympathy.

Eros: And the novelty cards with naked people on the covers.

Psyche: I’m not! Honestly, listen to us talking about our human business. I suppose we should talk about something more… Olympian.

Eros: Like what? I never felt very comfortable in this place, I just like to lay about on the edge of the universe and let it all go.

Psyche: You mean, you fart? When you’re out there by yourself, staring at the black holes and supernovas?

Eros: You, my dearest darling baby, are completely disgusting.

Psyche: And you, my sninkle woodums honey bunch, are badly in need of a big kiss. (they kiss)

Eros: No, what I need is something more substantial, like a good game of pokey poo.

Psyche: Ooh, you naughty boy, you need to have a spanking. (they get frisky, we get vaguely nauseated. The scene fades out before they manage to become full fledged sickening)

SCENE 17:
In the halls of Olympus, Hebe guides Nathaniel and Cephallenia. They look totally in awe, they are still impressed at having seen minotaurs and medusas.

Hebe: This is the main hallway to the higher Gods’ quarters. Most of these rooms are private, but right up there where that next hall intersects is the public space. There you’ll find the fountain room, the statue garden, the library, the main council room that we met in.

Cephallenia: Do you have a room where you can see what goes on everywhere else, like on earth?

Hebe: No. If we want to see that, we can go down there.

Cephallenia: But if you had a screen for it, you would never have to leave the house. We have screens like that for all the bits of Hades we don’t like to go to.

Hebe: I’ve never heard of that. I suppose that would be convenient. We’re not really bothered about earth, though. Well, we weren’t. Dad wants to go back down there, but I’ve never lived around Earth before. I’m kind of worried, I don’t think I’d like it at all, not even if it means that I would be a respected Goddess and everyone would worship me.

Nathaniel: It would probably get old pretty quickly. I mean, we have bellboys who kiss my ass and I can’t stand that, I don’t think I could do with a whole planet wanting something from me.

Cephallenia: Yes, that’s the problem with worship. People only want to worship you when they think they can get something. All the spirits in Hades try all of this prayer and bowing business, cause they think it’ll get them what they want.
(During this conversation, they arrive at the statue garden, and look in, then move on and look in to the library, where Hephaestus is still busy)

Hebe: Well, nobody’s really worshipped me much before, I don’t think I’d mind finding out what it was like.

Nathaniel: I guess you’ve got to try it before you can decide whether you like it, but I don’t think you lot are going to get very far with the humans. They’re pretty independent these days.

Hebe: That’s what mother says, but she’s very melodramatic about everything.

Cephallenia: You don’t like Hera?

Hebe: I’ve always been my daddy’s girl. But I suppose you two haven’t heard very much nice about Zeus. He’s been misunderstood by the other Gods. He’s always felt the pressure of leadership, and sometimes I think he comes off as more harsh or arrogant than he intends. You should at least try to get to know him before you make any judgments about him.

Nathaniel: I somehow don’t think he’d want to get to know me very well. We’re not exactly close relations.

Cephallenia: He’s my grandfather but I didn’t even know that until yesterday. I don’t really know any of the Gods, though, so I don’t think I’m at the judgment stage just yet. I’m still trying to keep everyone’s names straight.

Nathaniel: I’m Nathaniel, by the way.

Cephallenia: Thanks, I knew that (she hits him). And I know Hebe, and Apollo, and Zeus and Hera because they’re too scary to forget, and Aphrodite because she’s the prettiest. Besides grandma, anyway. (Nathaniel gets a slightly faraway look in his eyes)

Hebe: Yes, they’re all pretty. But my husband is the most handsome.

Nathaniel: Not that you’re biased. (At this point, they reach the fountain room, where Nathaniel’s jaw drops. The entire room is filled with pools of various sides, most of them with working fountains. The lights from the pools reflects of mosaic walls and a an ornately carved ceiling.

Cephallenia: Can we go inside and stay in this room?

Hebe: Of course, this is my favorite place. I love the water. The one thing I miss about the earth is the ocean.

Nathaniel: I grew up on the beach. But this is something totally different. (he whips off his shirt and takes a running dive into the largest and deepest pool)

Hebe: I guess he feels at home here.
(a wet Poseidon pokes his head up from the nearest pool)

Poseidon: I should hope so. I was the one who designed it. (he beams with pride)

Cephallenia: It’s incredible. It’s as good as the sunrise.

Poseidon: I’m glad you approve. (loudly) Nathaniel, I was telling Hebe and Cephallenia that this is the one room in Olympus that I designed. You like it? (Nate comes swimming back to where he can see his dad)

Nathaniel: You designed this? I’m in heaven, or I guess, Olympus as the case may be. Can we get one of these at the hotel?

Poseidon: I think the heating bills would be outrageous. Not to mention the electricity for lights and fountains.

Nathaniel: Just tell them it’s magic from your day job as the third most important God on earth.

Cephallenia: My dad is more important than your dad.

Hebe: But my dad is the most important of all.

Poseidon: Well, I suppose I shall have to content myself with being the most satisfied. (he dives back under the water. Nathaniel follows suit)

Cephallenia: Is there a hot tub?

Hebe: A what?

Cephallenia: A shallow pool where I can sit down.

Hebe: Oh, of course. (She leads her) You’ve seen pretty much all of Olympus now, and the others look to stay here, do you mind if I go see the others?

Cephallenia: That’s fine, as long as Poseidon is here I’m alright. (calling) Poseidon!!

Poseidon: Yes, dear?

Cephallenia: Hebe is leaving, so you have to be my baby-sitter.

Poseidon: Ah. Don’t drown, and don’t set anyone on fire.
(Hebe laughs and heads out)

SCENE 18:
In the grand kitchen of Olympus. Even though gods don’t particularly need to eat, they do, and how. The kitchen is an old fashioned affair, with huge chimneys for ovens and long wood block counters, copper pots everywhere, and dried herbs hanging just about everywhere. An enormous wooden table with long benches sits slightly off from the main room, where Eilithea, Heracles, Ares, Apollo, Hermes, and Dionysus sit around with about twenty open bottles of wine, most of which are empty and knocked over. Several empty platters attest to their vigor, as well as a healthy relationships with the chefs, who can be seen bustling in the background.

Ares: Do you remember the time we stole one of the statues from the garden and dressed it up and put it in Athena’s bed?

Hermes: Yeah, she tried to spear it through the head and broke that stupid sword of hers!

Dionysus: And then we put up naked pictures of ourselves in the hallways and she ripped them all down except Apollo’s.

Apollo: That was the first I found out she had a thing for me, now that was traumatic.

Eilithea: How could she ever think you would be interested?

Hermes: I dunno, she’d be pretty fucking hot if she weren’t such a bitch.

Dionysus: That’s what you say about all the goddesses.

Hermes: Yeah, well, they’re all bitches.

Eilithea: I’m not.

Ares: Yeah, Eilithea’s not, she’s a ho.

Dionysus: She’s a crack whore.

Apollo: That’s not very nice, guys.

Eilithea: Thank you, Apollo. I can always count on you to defend me.

Hermes: (mimicking) I can always count on you. You’re such an asswiper, Apollo, why don’t you just kneel outside the door of the council and lick everyone’s balls when they come in.

Ares: Why outside the council? It’d be better if he did room service.

Heracles: No, because then Athena would keep him locked up in her room. Or Eilithea would.

Eilithea: I wouldn’t, you guys are all horrible.

Dionysus: Eh, you shouldn’t spend so much time around us, then. What did you think we were going to talk about, shopping?

Ares: Yeah, we can ask each other where we got our sandals.

Hermes: Mine are magical.

Apollo: Are they really? Are you sure? I don’t think I’ve ever seen those magical sandals in action.

Hermes: Are you trying to get rid of me, Ball Boy?

Ares: Yeah, you go to Hades!

Dionysus: Man, that place is fucking frightening. And Hades, still the same black hair and tragic look. He totally inspired the Goth movement and he wasn’t even in Bauhaus.

Apollo: No, he was in the Cure.

Ares: He could conceivably be in the Rolling Stones, they’re a few million years old.

Apollo: I’m definitely going to be in a band my next lifeline, man they get everything.

Dionysus: And I’ll do your music video with all the goddesses who are in love with you wearing French poodle fur.

Ares: How does one wear French poodle fur?

Apollo: Have you got something for dogs we don’t know about?

Dionysus: No, it was, never mind, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Eilithea: Neither do I, this must be earth talk.

Heracles: poodles and stones that move. It all sounds very… tempting.

Ares: It’s awesome, why the hell do you two keep cooped up in here like scared teenagers?

Heracles: I spent enough time on earth, cleaning out stables, killing every animal that menaced someone or other.

Apollo: He’d make a good cab driver, you know?

Dionysus: No way, no no… he’d be one of those overnight express drivers that all the women invite into the house for a quick fuck.

Ares: Would you like my package with your package?
(all three burst into hilarity)

Hermes: I don’t think we’re missing much from earth so far.

Heracles: I suppose we’ll find out soon enough.

Apollo: (sobering) Let’s just not talk about that.

Dionysus: Awful serious, aren’t we, Pollo?

Apollo: It is. Come on, if we can’t talk about earth, let’s talk about the time that Heracles dressed up as a woman to see if he could tempt Hephaestus into bed.

Ares: And Aphrodite went into a fit, cause she was jealous! But the next day she was swearing up and down that she hates him all over again.

Hermes: I’ve never seen two people who hate each other manage to get it on more in bed more. I mean, Zeus and Hera stopped sleeping together a few billion years ago, probably after you were born, Lithy, that would stop me.

Eilithea: Thanks. But I think you’ll find their last encounter was the Trojan war seduction.

Dionysus: Oh, that was a fucking classic. Shit, the look on her face when she found out that was the only thing that was gonna distract him!

Apollo: That girdle from Aphrodite was pretty sexy, if Zeus didn’t fall for it I was ready to have a go myself.

Ares: Hey, man, that’s my mother you’re talking about.

Hermes: Yeah, she screams out your name during sex.

Ares: Wrong! Wrong! Crossing the line. Penalty for Hermes.

Dionysus: I just have a hard time imagining either Hera or Athena having sex at all. Or Hestia, for that matter, they are just out there.

Hermes: I have a hard time imagining Artemis and Eris, but they won’t let me watch.

Apollo: Now that’s my sister! You’ve got to stop Herms, you’re making us all ill.

Heracles: And boring those of us who are happily married.

Ares: Oh, right. Let’s see, that’s you and… you! Go find your wife and pack off if that’s what you want.

Eilithea: Come off it, Ares, you’re practically married to Aphrodite, how much time do you spend together?

Ares: Not much anymore, actually. I’m Hera’s righthand man on earth, and I can pick up chicks who aren’t married.

Hermes: And aren’t bitches, right?

Ares: And aren’t bitches.

Eilithea: Just because you lot are threatened by strong women is no reason to refer to us as bitches.

Dionysus: Threatened? If we were threatened we wouldn’t have lasted a day up here, no way. Just because the three of us (indicating Hermes and Apollo) have milksop mothers, doesn’t mean we go looking for shy little girls. We leave that to Heracles over here.

Heracles: What? Hebe isn’t a little girl, she’s the Goddess of Youth.

Dionysus: Yeah, but she’s like, daddy’s little girl, all sugar and spice, man. None of that for us, right? We need a good challenge. Except Ares, who’s still having Oedipal issues.

Ares: Funny. I like strong women, but come on, Aphrodite isn’t exactly a pillar of ambition. She’s a cocktease who happens to be the most powerful goddess in the world because men are scum, and easy to please, and we fall in line for a cocktease far faster than someone with a brain like my mum.

Hermes: So, you want someone who fucks like Aphrodite and thinks like your mum?

Apollo: Hell yeah.

Dionysus: I’m going to add the caveat that she has to be as funny as Artie and Eri.

Hermes: I can only think of one person who fits that description.

Apollo: Is she single?

Hermes: The only person who has a voracious sexual appetite, a thirst for power, and a breath of comic relief, is… Zeus.

Ares: So it’s better to lust after my father than my mother?

Apollo: I’m just not going to ask how you know about Zeus’ sexual appetites. I mean, I draw the line at my own father, but you know, everyone has a different opinion.

Dionysus: And opinions are like assholes, which leads us back to the did you or didn’t you question, Hermes.

Hermes: Not directly, but you know, Roman orgies were called that for a reason.

Dionysus: Oh, shit, I forgot about that.

Ares: Don’t you mean, ‘those’?

Apollo: I must have missed these. Was this one of those things I didn’t get invited to because (interrupted)

Hermes: You were being a serious prat at the time? Yes, that’s it.

Dionysus: During your I am an Artist and Need Respect phase, darling. Thank god you got over that. You did, didn’t you? I mean, I saw your last movie, it was shit.

Apollo: Hey, studio contract, I didn’t have a choice.

Ares: It that why the one before sucked, too?

Apollo: Hey, hey, no earth talk, poor Hermes and Heracles and Eilithea have no idea what you’re talking about.

Dionysus: Lucky them, I though I was watching the sequel to Dr. Zhivago.

Apollo: It was the sequel to Dr. Zhivago.

Ares: Dr. Zhivago was a classic, man. You just don’t touch classics.

Hermes: What the fuck is Dr. Zhivago?

Eilithea: I don’t think we want to know. Probably someone who didn’t get invited to our insane sex parties either.

Heracles: Let me guess, I didn’t get invited because I’m happily married?

Ares: What, just because you’re happy doesn’t mean you can’t fuck around. You can always be happier.

Dionysus: Yeah, then you’d be (completely blanks out in drunken confusion) happiest married. (all collapse into giggles)