SCENE 3:
Fashion shoot for Aphrodite’s magazine, Sin. She is ordering other around. Hermes slips in and drools over a half naked model. Aphrodite turns around and spots him

Aphrodite: I’m over here, darling, aren’t you meant to be delivering a message?

Hermes: Aphrodite, words fail to describe how excited I am when I look upon you.

Aphrodite: Aren’t you cute. Hera told me what you want.

Hermes: Hera? How can you have spoken with her already?

Aphrodite: She called me straightaway, figured you’d be here as soon as you could, I guess she knows you well enough.

Hermes: Called? She can’t be that loud.

Aphrodite: (laughing heartily) On the phone, you goon! Oh, don’t tell me, they don’t have phones at Olympus yet. God, that place is so worthless. I bet they’re still trying to figure out how to get the dumbwaiters working.

Hermes: We have an elevator now.

Aphrodite: Do you? How clever. Shows you how long it’s been. Well, let me tell you something darling, there’s no use you running around in those little winged sandals of yours, because Hera will have rung everyone up by now. So why don’t you and I take a little break in my office, eh?

Hermes: But if Zeus found me shirking my responsibilities, he would be most unhappy.

Aphrodite: Ha. If Zeus found out you’d been boning me when he’s wanted to do it for the best part of fifty million years, you’ll have more to worry about than a reprimand. Come on, I’m not going to be horny for long.

Hermes: As always, your any wish is my pleasure to attend.

Aphrodite: (walking away toward office) One of these days I might even believe you.

SCENE 4:
Poseidon’s beach resort, Neptune Oasis. Poseidon wears sunglasses, a pink and black striped polo shirt, a bright yellow towel wrapped around his bottom half, and flip flops that have seen better decades. Throughout the remainder of the movie, he will be wearing some variation of polo shirt and towel. He is on the deck chairs, sipping a huge umbrella laden drink in one hand, flipping through a Dutch gay porn mag with the other, and talking on a handsfree kit connected to a cel phone in his lap.

Poseidon: No, I know, Hestia. I feel the same way… exactly, we should all meet up, but why go to that London hellhole of Hera’s when we can romp around on my beach? It’s an hour’s transmigration anywhere you do it, so it might as well be here… no, it would take you longer to fly to London, because then you’d have ticket check and security and everything else. Just come down here, it’s warm, it’s safe, it’s far as hell away from Olympus and I doubt that little rat Hermes even knows it exists. He’s probably out in the middle of the Atlantic calling my name and expecting an island to arise from the sea… well, I’ve talked to Hera, she’s coming here, as soon as she knows that no one is coming to hers… Yes. Yes, Demeter is on her way, as are Hades and… yes, I think the younger lot is coming as well, Apollo’s already phoned. Can you hold on, call waiting. Hello?… Aphrodite, darling, how’s tricks?… That good, well. Yes, we’ve changed venues now, the pre-meeting meeting will be here at my resort, where we can all get a delicious suntan before telling Zeus where to shove himself… Yes, that’s right. I can’t chat, have Hestia on the line, look, just come out as soon as you can, and make sure you tell anyone else, alright?… Great. Cheers…. Yes, Hestia, I’m back. Sorry, Aphrodite… yes, she’ll be coming. No, I don’t think you need to worry about how you’ll look in a bikini compared to her, just come out, alright?… fine. Darling sister, good-bye. (spies Nathaniel) Nathaniel, come here.

Nathaniel: Yes?

Poseidon: We’re about to have a load of company.

Nathaniel: I thought you told me the bookings were practically nil this week, it’s off season.

Poseidon: Right, it’s not customers, it’s family.

Nathaniel: Oh, god, not them.

Poseidon: Yes, God. Many Gods. We’re all due to go back to Olympus to meet with Zeus.

Nathaniel: And I’m a lesser god, so I’m not invited to this little Olympian chat, right?

Poseidon: I really don’t know about Olympus, Zeus is kind of a twit about the hierarchies. But you have to be here for the meeting here, is that clear? No running off with that daughter of the Russian mafia.

Nathaniel: She’s Czech, dad. You know, smaller country, different language, less nuclear weapons?

Poseidon: Whatever, they’re all foreigners.

Nathaniel: So are we.

Poseidon: Not really, I’ve been in this spot for, oh, I don’t know. There weren’t any buildings and the only other white person was an Anthropologist.

Nathaniel: Great, well, I’ll let you run fleetingly down memory lane, and I will go and make sure there are enough rooms ready for the entire cast of Oedipus Rex.

Poseidon: Was I in that one?

Nathaniel: No. (leaves)
(Poseidon shrugs and makes a call)

Poseidon: Hades, brother. Have you heard from Hermes or Hera yet?… I don’t know, I think he hasn’t got a cel, he has those special sandals you know. At least you don’t have to worry about reception… No, I’ve always been surprised you being able to use it in Hades, there can’t be any satellites, who are you with again?… really, I tried them, wretched customer service. I suppose it depends where you are. How do they bill you, Hades, Lord of the Dead?… Oh, right, postal box. Good call. Anyway, did you catch Hera after I’d told her to get everyone here?… Yeah, same place. I don’t move much, you know. You spend a few hundred years in your da’s stomach you don’t think much of travel, I guess… No, it’s ON the ocean, it’s a BEACH resort… right. Free drinks, great hotel, the best. We might as well get our fill in now, God knows Olympus hasn’t had a renovation since Hera decided we weren’t Roman enough and we needed arches all of a sudden…. Was it Hestia? You’re right, she’s the homey one. I was just on with her, she’s coming now. You should be, too. Plenty of time to chat when you get here, and I think I’m about done with my daytimes this month… right, talk later.
(Nathaniel wanders back)

Nathaniel: Should be alright with the hotel. Are they all going to squeeze my cheeks and tell me how much I’ve grown?

Poseidon: You haven’t grown since Christmas, so I doubt it. You haven’t grown in about forty years, for that matter. Don’t worry, you’ll get another spurt before the century is over.

Nathaniel: Oh, joy. I love being a God. (stalks off)

Poseidon: (calling after him) When I was your age, I lived in someone’s esophagus!

SCENE 5:
Hallway of the Italian Parliament, where Athena is Prime Minister, coming from her daily session. She is surrounded by assistants and pundits, but suddenly stop dead at the sight of two young attractive men laughing and petting a statue. Hermes and Dionysus are completely unaware that their quarry has sighted them before they could find her.

Dionysus: If only they were made of stone, then we wouldn’t have had to listen to them for a few thousand odd years!

Hermes: I think Athena is made of stone, actually, that would explain why nobody fucked her.

Dionysus: I know, I couldn’t imagine what goes on in her head. I mean, I thought Hestia was boring, but at least she smiles.
(Athena is now directly behind the men)

Athena: Well, isn’t this cozy. (they jump)

Hermes: Athena, I was just coming to look for you… (he seems a bit tongue tied, a reaction most of the Gods have around Athena)

Athena: Obviously.

Dionysus: Hiya, Athena.

Athena: Why specifically did you come to find me?

Hermes: Oh, right. Zeus has called a meeting of the Gods, he wants to talk to everybody. On Olympus. Straight away. I mean, well, you’re busy, so whenever you can spare it I guess, but he would like soon, he is expecting the other gods, you know…

Athena: Did he say a certain day?

Hermes: No, no. Just, you know, now, that’s kind of him, isn’t it? But, oh, well, I guess no rush because Hera is having a meeting with the other Gods beforehand.

Athena: I see. Hera is on Olympus?

Hermes: Oh, no, no, she wants everyone to meet up on Earth, and she wanted me to pass that message along to everyone, although it seemed like everyone else had spoken to her somehow… I don’t know.

Athena: How surprising that Hera didn’t call me.

Hermes: Right, maybe she just thought I would talk to you first, I guess.

Athena: I somehow doubt that. At any rate, I have no plans to see her now or in the future.

Hermes: Well, but she will be there, on Olympus. (Athena stares at him, ‘and your point is?’)

Dionysus: So, we’ll be seeing you, huh?

Athena: I will attend to my father. Go now and inform him that I will be there shortly.

Hermes: Ah, well, I kind of have to see to the other Gods first, here on Earth, before I go back to Olympus.

Athena: Why? You previously mentioned they were in contact with Hera. Furthermore, you have Dionysus here, who will serve no useful purpose with you tracking down the other gods. Dionysus, you will go to Zeus and tell him of my imminent arrival. Hermes, continue on your mission. (She turns and leaves abruptly)

Dionysus: I’m never sure which one of them scares me more, her or Hera.

Hermes: Hera’s all bark and no bite. Well, that’s not true, I think if you really made her mad you’d be better than dead, but Athena’s just a fucking psychopath. I’ve never seen her smile.

Dionysus: Or touch anyone.

Hermes: Or say ‘hello’ or ‘good-bye’. She just… leaves.

Dionysus: What do you think she would do if I didn’t go?

Hermes: Castrate you.

Dionysus: You can’t castrate a god.

Hermes: Yeah, weren’t you around for the Egyptians, man? Osiris, balls off and all.

Dionysus: Yeah? I guess I’d better get going then. See you back at Olympus, I guess?

Hermes: Be there as soon as I can, but I’ve got all the old ones to talk to now. They’re always fun. And I have to swing by Hades on the way back, gives me the chills that place.

Dionysus: Persephone is hot, though.

Hermes: Not interested in adultery, I’ve tried.

Dionysus: I know, I keep thinking her mom is so easy, there has to be something in her. Whatever, as long as Aph is there it’s a good time.

Hermes: The twelve of us together again? Oh, yeah, it’ll be good.