Deus ex Machina

The setup:
Since the worship of the Greek gods took a nosedive, the Gods have had to find new ways of keeping themselves busy. Zeus stayed on Olympus to bask in the past and control the lesser gods. Hera was the first to leave Olympus, having gone in the Grecian times when Dionysus’ mother was invited to Olympus. After that, Hera decided to use her powers over marriages and kingdoms and before long was a powerful broker. Soon interpersonal relationships gave way to business relationships, and modern commerce was born. Having been a key shaper of things, Hera is now a CEO of a major financial corporation, specializing in mergers and acquisitions (whose marriages are so often like her own). The other Gods have found their own paths in their own times, some seeking glory, others seeking merely fun, and have generally lost touch with one another. Finally Zeus decides that Olympus is getting stale for him, and discovers that Hera has quite a cushy empire on Earth that he thinks, as her husband, he is entitled to rule over. Sending Hermes out to gather up the Gods, Zeus thinks it is high time that everyone remember who the King of the Gods is… except that the other Gods aren’t so keen on being obedient anymore, and Zeus discovers his old behavior isn’t quite up to human evolution. Soon the Gods have split off between those who are on Zeus’s side, and those who think it’s time for the God of Lightning to mind his own business.


SCENE 1:
Hera’s Office. (Hermes comes in dressed as bike messenger during meeting, she tells him to wait in office)

Hera: What the fuck are you doing h-… why are you naked?

Hermes: I don’t like lycra, too itchy.

Hera: Nice. Well, obviously you have a message. What is it?

Hermes: Don’t you want to know how I’ve been?

Hera: Not particularly. I doubt that you hurried here on winged sandals to have a chat about the weather. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be stupid enough to interrupt my board meeting for an inane little get together. So why are you here?

Hermes: That’s always been your problem, Hera. Too much business and not enough pleasure.

Hera: With you I find neither. I assume you didn’t crawl down from upon mount high on your own reconnaissance, what does Zeus want?

Hermes: The King of the Gods wishes to speak with you. He feels very lonely on Mount Olympus without his dearest wife to comfort and console him.

Hera: Console him? What, did he choke on his ambrosia?

Hermes: I am merely speaking in the general. He wishes to know what keeps his wife from him for so many years.

Hera: Taste and intelligence for the most part. But I can’t help but think that Zeus has some specific reason for wishing to seek me out now.

Hermes: Maybe.

Hera: I’m sure I’m not interested. Tell him I have no plans to return to Olympus in the near future.

Hermes: It is not you alone he wishes to speak to.

Hera: What do you mean?

Hermes: The mighty Zeus wishes to gather all of his family and fellow Gods together to discuss our shared future.

Hera: Our shared future? Shared usually means something involving people who can tolerate each other’s company. Somehow I think that excludes Zeus and I.

Hermes: But you are his wife.

Hera: And you are his lapdog, but I imagine it will escape your report to him that you attempted to seduce me while delivering your message.

Hermes: I’m not trying to seduce you, I told you, I can’t stand human clothes. Totally silly, if you ask me. I mean, the body is such a beautiful gift (ruffling Hera’s skirt).

Hera: Clever boy, trying to warm me up like this. Won’t work. What does he want, a shared future? He knows I’m not coming back to Olympus, so unless he decides to come to… oh, Gaea, no, he’s not coming to Earth, is he?

Hermes: I’m not authorized to disclose the plans of the God of the Heavens.

Hera: Oh, cut the shit, Hermes. He’s coming here, isn’t he? That figures, just when I get comfortable, someone has to come along and ruin everything. Just when I get out of my father’s stomach, oh look, why don’t you marry the most arrogant, sexually malignant psychopath the world has ever seen? And now, just when I’ve got a good raise and a house in the Lake District, who has to come along? Zeus. Zeus, the great. Zeus, the one who thinks that monogamy is a city in Japan.

Hermes: You seem rather upset. Perhaps a good lie down would help you unwind.

Hera: Hey, whooo, time out from sex, alright? Answer the question, messenger. Is he coming to Earth?

Hermes: (shrug) I guess.

Hera: (sits down and bites at thumb) Why?

Hermes: What else is there to do? You can only sip so much nectar and chase so many Oceanids. You lot seem to be having a good time, why not join in? He could do with a little uncontested cosmic power.

Hera: But that’s exactly it, Hermes! It’s not like that anymore! We don’t just sit about invisible and play with humans like a chessboard. They don’t believe in us anymore, we can’t go lording our powers over everyone and expect to be worshipped. We live with them, as humans, with human lifetimes, and guess what? Not very much power at all.

Hermes: I somehow doubt that you would be content without a horde of priestesses bowing and scraping to you.

Hera: I’m telling you, those days are long gone. It was nice while it lasted, but we helped human evolution about as far as it could go, and now it’s all down to them. The reason we’re still mucking about down here is that it got incredibly boring on that mountain, and for most of us, the company was insufferable. At least on Earth I get to choose who I live with.

Hermes: Exactly. You live a privileged life here on Earth, and as your husband, Zeus is entitled to share what you own and derive his pleasure from it.

Hera: (laughing) Darling, it’s the twenty-first century. Human women don’t have to have chaperones anymore, they live where they want. As do I. It’s unfortunate that Gods can’t be modern enough to get divorces, but there you go. I’m stuck with Zeus as a husband, and I’m more than happy to let him into my bank account but I’m afraid I don’t have any magical mind control pills to hand over to him. If he, and you for that matter, want to live on Earth, guess what? You’re going to have to work for it.

Hermes: We don’t work, we’re gods.

Hera: Not anymore. It’s all very well to say we’re practically omnipotent and can turn people into pretzels with the wave of a hand, but what good is that going to do? People now, they’re all obsessed with science, it’s like being a spiritual eunuch. But they like it, they all want to be clever and cynical. I mean, you could still use the invisible hand and manipulate them into doing things, but it’s no fun anymore. After you’ve fought the Trojan war, it’s all a bit downhill. How are we going to top that, eh? And nowadays, these humans, they’re so caught up with technology, if you want to control them you’d have to reprogram all their computers. Talk about boring.

Hermes: I’ll accept that fact that you lot have decided to go around in human form, since I’ve seen you interacting with them, but I can’t believe you haven’t got some sort of power over them. Every time I’ve been here for the past two hundred years you’re involved with this Bank of Thames.

Hera: Right, I have. But not continuously, and not exclusively. So in a sense, I’ve built this bank from the ground up, and it’s mine, but at the same time, I have to start every new ‘life’ from scratch, so I’ve got to bum it all over again.

Hermes: I’m not following you. It seems to me that you have a large financial institution at your beck and call, and that makes you, and Zeus, when he comes here, able to pretty much wreck whatever financial markets he wants.

Hera: Wreck them, eh. Right. Hold on (goes to desk and presses intercom). Ares, I need you in my office.
(Door opens, in walks Ares and see Hermes’ naked back)

Ares: Hey, just what do you think you’re doing? (Hermes turns around) Hermes! My brother, what’s up? (they hug)

Hermes: Running errands, thought I’d come have a chat with your witch of a mother.

Ares: Hey, don’t get me into trouble here…

Hera: I assure you I won’t blame you for having obnoxious relatives. I certainly have enough myself.

Ares: (confused) We have the same relatives.

Hera: Well exactly. (confused herself) Anyway, Hermes has just announced to me that he and your father are considering making the Earth their home.

Ares: No kidding! Welcome to it, then! What are you going to do?

Hermes: What we usually do, make humans worship us and fulfill our every needs, and see whose city destroys every else’s.

Ares: Umm, it’s not really like that anymore.

Hera: That’s what I said, he doesn’t believe me.

Ares: We’re just kind of humans ourselves now, Hermes. I mean, you know, we can’t be born obviously, we have to take over young human bodies when they tragically die or whatever, and go to school and get a job, and work our way into what we want. And then you have to age and fake your death and start all over again.

Hermes: Get a job? A human job?

Hera: Forty hour work weeks, darling, learn to love them.

Hermes: You can’t be serious.

Ares: Well, I didn’t really think much of it at first, either. I kind of sucked the first hundred years or so.

Hera: That’s because you were still trying to remake the Roman Empire when the rest of us were in the middle of the Renaissance. But we all cheated pretty badly until the 1700’s when Athena was that Voltaire bloke and they started all those bizarre revolutions. We didn’t really get serious until 1800, remember we had that big centennial party?

Ares: That’s right. And the thing of it is, I’ve tried to cheat, but you can’t anymore. Science and technology, we just can’t hack it. It’s better to go with the flow and see what you can make of things in forty years, just like everybody else.

Hermes: So you’re telling me that Hera, the Queen of the Gods and her son, the Greatest Fighter the world has seen, are now slumming it so badly they can’t even get a few virgins sacrificed for the glory of the Gods?

Hera: That’s about it, yea. Pretty pathetic when you put it that way, maybe we should all get together and have a good purging of the heathens.

Ares: The power, the strength, the fact that you don’t have to worry about internal revenue and pension plans. It is extremely tempting. And I mean, who are we to go against the wishes of our eternal leader, Zeus?

Hera: Our what? If Zeus was our leader he would have paid attention to us before this, when it suddenly suits him now to notice what we’ve been doing. No, we all made a pact to protect humans from our stupid whims. The entire point of coming here was to see that, yea, we could lord over them, but when the chips were down, could we live like them? Could we hack it in their world?

Hermes: What is that supposed to prove? We’re the gods.

Ares: Yeah, but, she’s right. We’ve done all that, so Apollo said, why don’t we try something else? And we were all so bored, we figured, why not? I reckon we’ll be bored of this in another couple hundred years, but by then, maybe humans will be well enough off we can go retire to Olympus for good. Or maybe they’ll be powerful enough that we can live amongst them as equals.
(all laugh, yeah right).

Hera: The point is Hermes, that Zeus cannot come down here and start sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong. I think it would be best if he were to come down and talk to all of us before doing anything.

Hermes: Did I not already tell you the King of the Gods requests a meeting with all of the lesser Gods to discuss this very thing?

Ares: Hey, watch it. Just because we’re on Earth doesn’t make us Lesser Gods.

Hermes: (waving away in apology) Excuse my mistake. Will you attend upon him? He wishes you to come immediately.

Hera: That is not possible. We will be with him at our convenience. Hermes, I will inform the other Gods of what you told us. You need only go to them now and ask them to come here within two days. On the third day hence, you may inform your Lord that we will expect his hospitality at the Palace of Olympus.

Hermes: And what are you going to be plotting in the meantime? I think I should like to stay around and find out what you lot get up to around here.

Hera: I think if you begin to annoy me I will call upon my friends the Hecatonchires, who guard Tartarus, and have them accidentally forget they’ve locked you inside of it.

Hermes: That would be a threat, except that Zeus would free me.

Hera: You are wrong in that assumption. Zeus can only put Gods inside of Tartarus. There is but one God who has the power to let them out, and that is my brother Hades, who would be very little bothered to use such power for you. Run along now and perform your duties.

Hermes: I shall fly on winged sandals.

Hera: GO.
(Hermes disappears, Ares and Hera look at each other in trepidation)

Scene 2:

(Apollo is in the middle of filming an interview with an entertainment news show.)
Interviewer: So who are the actors that you look up to?

Apollo: Valentino is a big inspiration, actors from the past like Richard Burbage.

Interviewer: How can you appreciate an actor who’s been dead for four hundred years?

Apollo: Oh, you know, reruns.

Interviewer: Now tell us about your latest project, this is a movie set in ancient Rome, what kind of research did you have to do for the part?

Apollo: It’s funny, actually, because I’ve always felt very attached to that period in time – almost as if I was there. So it was really more of a homecoming than anything.

Interviewer: Well, thanks again for your time, Nick. Now it’s time to announce our prize winner for the day, who gets a kiss from the super sexy Nick Phaedra! (women scream, the interviewer opens an envelope) And the winner is… Leslie Banks!
(one woman screams loudly, and from the aisles someone rushes onto the stage and hurls themselves at the now standing Apollo, only it isn’t Miss Banks, it is Hermes)

Interviewer: Security!!
(Apollo pulls off and takes a second to realize who it is)

Apollo: Herms! What are you doing here? (security has come up and hovers)

Hermes: Have to talk to you.

Interviewer: Do you know this man, Mr. Phaedra?

Apollo: Yeah, it’s alright. Did it ruin your take, I’m sorry. (to audience) Sorry, Leslie, but I’ve got to run! (grabs Hermes’ arm and heads to dressing room, backstage)

Hermes: You’ve got it alright, women throwing themselves at you.

Apollo: What can I say? I’ve had enough lifetimes of Nobel Science winners and poet laureates, every hundred years I insist on being a movie star.

Hermes: So you really are doing this human life thing, too? (walking out back and climbing into limo during next few speeches)

Apollo: What do you mean?

Hermes: I spoke with Hera, and she said that you lot were living like humans, working even. I thought she might be a bit out of her head, you know Hera.

Apollo: I like Hera, but I guess I’m one of the few. She is right, yeah, that’s what I suggested in the Renaissance, after we’d made a mess of everything with the Holy Roman Empire. It just seemed a good time to retire the old stuff and try something new. I hear you and dad are still hanging out on Olympus chasing the lesser goddesses. How’s that?

Hermes: The king of the Gods is tired of having his needs attended to on Olympus. He wishes to return to Earth and remind the humans how to worship their betters. You are expected to attend him on Olympus to discuss the matter.

Apollo: What did Hera say about that?

Hermes: Screw Hera.

Apollo: Love to, but she’s awfully frigid.

Hermes: You’re not missing anything. But she does wish for the Gods to come and chat with her at her corporate empire in the next two days. I would suggest that Zeus would not be pleased if you were to ignore his commands in favor of Hera’s petulant wishes.

Apollo: Still, I think it would be best to talk to her first. We have got a good thing going here on Earth, I don’t know if I want to go back to the old ways.

Hermes: What, the taste of power no longer suits you?

Apollo: Come on, look at me, man! I get more servants and people coming to my beck and call as an actor than I ever did as a God. I mean, let’s face it, Olympus is a nice place, but you can’t really get good help when they’re all inbred from the same stupid minotaurs and gorgons. Look at Pegasus, back in the day we all thought, great, a winged horse! And now it just sits there and shits on the entry tile. I have no desire to go back to that.

Hermes: But you wouldn’t be in Olympus, you could live on Earth, just as a God with proper temples.

Apollo: I have three thousand websites dedicated to me and a museum in a hometown I didn’t even physically grow up in. Who wants some drafty stone building with a big statue in the middle? This is the twenty-first century, Hermes, things have really gotten away from all that stuffy worship bit.

Hermes: That’s what Hera said, the 21st century, what does that mean?

Apollo: Um, when was the last time you came to Earth?

Hermes: I’ve run a few errands, but didn’t pay attention much. The last time I really noticed things was when the men were wearing pointy tights and the women were wearing pointy hats.

Apollo: The Medieval Period. You haven’t paid attention to human development over the last, oh, seven hundred years?

Hermes: We’ve been quite busy on Olympus, sorting out things with the lesser Gods, chasing Oceanids. And there weren’t many messages to deliver since you lot refused to come back to Olympus and Zeus certainly wasn’t going to call a gathering of the Gods just to say hello and ask how your holidays went.

Apollo: We didn’t refuse to come back. Well, most of us didn’t. There just didn’t seem to be much reason to. I mean, I always meant to go see the old man, but you know, you get busy… I guess I was chasing Oceanids myself.

Hermes: Welcome home, brother. I assume you’ll come now?

Apollo: Yeah, of course, but like I said, best see to Hera first. What exactly did she say?

Hermes: I don’t remember, I’m not her servant.

Apollo: Never mind, I’ll call her.

Hermes: Call her? She won’t hear you, it’s quite a long ways. I only got here quickly because of the sandals.

Apollo: (looking at Hermes strangely). Right, well, you’re right, I better leave now, you know how transmigration can be tricky. Good seeing you then.

Hermes: Always. I’m off to see the Goddess of Love now.

Apollo: Then you’ll never get back to Olympus on time!

Hermes: (smirking) Some things are worth getting in trouble over. (disappears).

Apollo: (shakes head and pulls out cel) Hera? Apollo here, I just got done with Hermes….

SCENE 3:
Fashion shoot for Aphrodite’s magazine, Sin. She is ordering other around. Hermes slips in and drools over a half naked model. Aphrodite turns around and spots him

Aphrodite: I’m over here, darling, aren’t you meant to be delivering a message?

Hermes: Aphrodite, words fail to describe how excited I am when I look upon you.

Aphrodite: Aren’t you cute. Hera told me what you want.

Hermes: Hera? How can you have spoken with her already?

Aphrodite: She called me straightaway, figured you’d be here as soon as you could, I guess she knows you well enough.

Hermes: Called? She can’t be that loud.

Aphrodite: (laughing heartily) On the phone, you goon! Oh, don’t tell me, they don’t have phones at Olympus yet. God, that place is so worthless. I bet they’re still trying to figure out how to get the dumbwaiters working.

Hermes: We have an elevator now.

Aphrodite: Do you? How clever. Shows you how long it’s been. Well, let me tell you something darling, there’s no use you running around in those little winged sandals of yours, because Hera will have rung everyone up by now. So why don’t you and I take a little break in my office, eh?

Hermes: But if Zeus found me shirking my responsibilities, he would be most unhappy.

Aphrodite: Ha. If Zeus found out you’d been boning me when he’s wanted to do it for the best part of fifty million years, you’ll have more to worry about than a reprimand. Come on, I’m not going to be horny for long.

Hermes: As always, your any wish is my pleasure to attend.

Aphrodite: (walking away toward office) One of these days I might even believe you.

SCENE 4:
Poseidon’s beach resort, Neptune Oasis. Poseidon wears sunglasses, a pink and black striped polo shirt, a bright yellow towel wrapped around his bottom half, and flip flops that have seen better decades. Throughout the remainder of the movie, he will be wearing some variation of polo shirt and towel. He is on the deck chairs, sipping a huge umbrella laden drink in one hand, flipping through a Dutch gay porn mag with the other, and talking on a handsfree kit connected to a cel phone in his lap.

Poseidon: No, I know, Hestia. I feel the same way… exactly, we should all meet up, but why go to that London hellhole of Hera’s when we can romp around on my beach? It’s an hour’s transmigration anywhere you do it, so it might as well be here… no, it would take you longer to fly to London, because then you’d have ticket check and security and everything else. Just come down here, it’s warm, it’s safe, it’s far as hell away from Olympus and I doubt that little rat Hermes even knows it exists. He’s probably out in the middle of the Atlantic calling my name and expecting an island to arise from the sea… well, I’ve talked to Hera, she’s coming here, as soon as she knows that no one is coming to hers… Yes. Yes, Demeter is on her way, as are Hades and… yes, I think the younger lot is coming as well, Apollo’s already phoned. Can you hold on, call waiting. Hello?… Aphrodite, darling, how’s tricks?… That good, well. Yes, we’ve changed venues now, the pre-meeting meeting will be here at my resort, where we can all get a delicious suntan before telling Zeus where to shove himself… Yes, that’s right. I can’t chat, have Hestia on the line, look, just come out as soon as you can, and make sure you tell anyone else, alright?… Great. Cheers…. Yes, Hestia, I’m back. Sorry, Aphrodite… yes, she’ll be coming. No, I don’t think you need to worry about how you’ll look in a bikini compared to her, just come out, alright?… fine. Darling sister, good-bye. (spies Nathaniel) Nathaniel, come here.

Nathaniel: Yes?

Poseidon: We’re about to have a load of company.

Nathaniel: I thought you told me the bookings were practically nil this week, it’s off season.

Poseidon: Right, it’s not customers, it’s family.

Nathaniel: Oh, god, not them.

Poseidon: Yes, God. Many Gods. We’re all due to go back to Olympus to meet with Zeus.

Nathaniel: And I’m a lesser god, so I’m not invited to this little Olympian chat, right?

Poseidon: I really don’t know about Olympus, Zeus is kind of a twit about the hierarchies. But you have to be here for the meeting here, is that clear? No running off with that daughter of the Russian mafia.

Nathaniel: She’s Czech, dad. You know, smaller country, different language, less nuclear weapons?

Poseidon: Whatever, they’re all foreigners.

Nathaniel: So are we.

Poseidon: Not really, I’ve been in this spot for, oh, I don’t know. There weren’t any buildings and the only other white person was an Anthropologist.

Nathaniel: Great, well, I’ll let you run fleetingly down memory lane, and I will go and make sure there are enough rooms ready for the entire cast of Oedipus Rex.

Poseidon: Was I in that one?

Nathaniel: No. (leaves)
(Poseidon shrugs and makes a call)

Poseidon: Hades, brother. Have you heard from Hermes or Hera yet?… I don’t know, I think he hasn’t got a cel, he has those special sandals you know. At least you don’t have to worry about reception… No, I’ve always been surprised you being able to use it in Hades, there can’t be any satellites, who are you with again?… really, I tried them, wretched customer service. I suppose it depends where you are. How do they bill you, Hades, Lord of the Dead?… Oh, right, postal box. Good call. Anyway, did you catch Hera after I’d told her to get everyone here?… Yeah, same place. I don’t move much, you know. You spend a few hundred years in your da’s stomach you don’t think much of travel, I guess… No, it’s ON the ocean, it’s a BEACH resort… right. Free drinks, great hotel, the best. We might as well get our fill in now, God knows Olympus hasn’t had a renovation since Hera decided we weren’t Roman enough and we needed arches all of a sudden…. Was it Hestia? You’re right, she’s the homey one. I was just on with her, she’s coming now. You should be, too. Plenty of time to chat when you get here, and I think I’m about done with my daytimes this month… right, talk later.
(Nathaniel wanders back)

Nathaniel: Should be alright with the hotel. Are they all going to squeeze my cheeks and tell me how much I’ve grown?

Poseidon: You haven’t grown since Christmas, so I doubt it. You haven’t grown in about forty years, for that matter. Don’t worry, you’ll get another spurt before the century is over.

Nathaniel: Oh, joy. I love being a God. (stalks off)

Poseidon: (calling after him) When I was your age, I lived in someone’s esophagus!

SCENE 5:
Hallway of the Italian Parliament, where Athena is Prime Minister, coming from her daily session. She is surrounded by assistants and pundits, but suddenly stop dead at the sight of two young attractive men laughing and petting a statue. Hermes and Dionysus are completely unaware that their quarry has sighted them before they could find her.

Dionysus: If only they were made of stone, then we wouldn’t have had to listen to them for a few thousand odd years!

Hermes: I think Athena is made of stone, actually, that would explain why nobody fucked her.

Dionysus: I know, I couldn’t imagine what goes on in her head. I mean, I thought Hestia was boring, but at least she smiles.
(Athena is now directly behind the men)

Athena: Well, isn’t this cozy. (they jump)

Hermes: Athena, I was just coming to look for you… (he seems a bit tongue tied, a reaction most of the Gods have around Athena)

Athena: Obviously.

Dionysus: Hiya, Athena.

Athena: Why specifically did you come to find me?

Hermes: Oh, right. Zeus has called a meeting of the Gods, he wants to talk to everybody. On Olympus. Straight away. I mean, well, you’re busy, so whenever you can spare it I guess, but he would like soon, he is expecting the other gods, you know…

Athena: Did he say a certain day?

Hermes: No, no. Just, you know, now, that’s kind of him, isn’t it? But, oh, well, I guess no rush because Hera is having a meeting with the other Gods beforehand.

Athena: I see. Hera is on Olympus?

Hermes: Oh, no, no, she wants everyone to meet up on Earth, and she wanted me to pass that message along to everyone, although it seemed like everyone else had spoken to her somehow… I don’t know.

Athena: How surprising that Hera didn’t call me.

Hermes: Right, maybe she just thought I would talk to you first, I guess.

Athena: I somehow doubt that. At any rate, I have no plans to see her now or in the future.

Hermes: Well, but she will be there, on Olympus. (Athena stares at him, ‘and your point is?’)

Dionysus: So, we’ll be seeing you, huh?

Athena: I will attend to my father. Go now and inform him that I will be there shortly.

Hermes: Ah, well, I kind of have to see to the other Gods first, here on Earth, before I go back to Olympus.

Athena: Why? You previously mentioned they were in contact with Hera. Furthermore, you have Dionysus here, who will serve no useful purpose with you tracking down the other gods. Dionysus, you will go to Zeus and tell him of my imminent arrival. Hermes, continue on your mission. (She turns and leaves abruptly)

Dionysus: I’m never sure which one of them scares me more, her or Hera.

Hermes: Hera’s all bark and no bite. Well, that’s not true, I think if you really made her mad you’d be better than dead, but Athena’s just a fucking psychopath. I’ve never seen her smile.

Dionysus: Or touch anyone.

Hermes: Or say ‘hello’ or ‘good-bye’. She just… leaves.

Dionysus: What do you think she would do if I didn’t go?

Hermes: Castrate you.

Dionysus: You can’t castrate a god.

Hermes: Yeah, weren’t you around for the Egyptians, man? Osiris, balls off and all.

Dionysus: Yeah? I guess I’d better get going then. See you back at Olympus, I guess?

Hermes: Be there as soon as I can, but I’ve got all the old ones to talk to now. They’re always fun. And I have to swing by Hades on the way back, gives me the chills that place.

Dionysus: Persephone is hot, though.

Hermes: Not interested in adultery, I’ve tried.

Dionysus: I know, I keep thinking her mom is so easy, there has to be something in her. Whatever, as long as Aph is there it’s a good time.

Hermes: The twelve of us together again? Oh, yeah, it’ll be good.

SCENE 6:
Olympus – the Royal Palace of the Gods. Having been done up at the height of the Grecian Empire, the palace hasn’t seen much modernization. Lots of marble, lots of empty space, very little to do. Not even Hestia would think of it as home. Zeus plots with his faithful children.

Zeus: I can’t imagine that it will be much longer before they start to arrive. I did make it very clear that there will be a Council of the Gods. I can’t believe that little shrew of a wife hasn’t shown up to make my life miserable already. She of all people likes to be the first one to have an opinion about anything.

Eilithea: I’m sure mother will come soon. I hope Hermes isn’t too long about things, I do miss him terribly.

Zeus: Why?

Eilithea: Well, it’s just not the same, having him gone.

Zeus: I would hope that is all it is, I would hate to think of any daughter of mine behaving like a whore.

Hebe: I’m sure she didn’t mean it that way, father. Hermes is like a brother to us.

Zeus: And that should be all he is. I didn’t raise you two to throw yourselves at anyone who passes by. Your sister Hebe waited until Heracles had proven himself worthy of our her attention. And now, look at them, the happiest couple that could ever be.
(Hebe and Heracles smile at each other, the happy co-dependent couple. Eilithea looks very jealous)

Heracles: I am indeed the luckiest of men. It always saddens me that you, father, were unable to keep the joy you found with my mother because of your unfortunate marriage to Hera.

Zeus: You’re very sympathetic. I also have wished that, so many times. But I was young and foolish, Hera had managed to seduce me with charms, and I thought I had best wed this poor, dear girl who had suffered so much at the hands of our terrible father. You were much better prepared for marriage, having done so many manly deeds before settling up here.

Heracles: Indeed, my many labors helped me to realize how important family was, and I have never, like so many others, felt the need to leave my home on Olympus.

Eilithea: We have stayed with you, father. Because we are true and faithful children, who know what duty they owe their generous parent.

Zeus: And I am blessed with you all, my children. Still, we need to consult with your less affectionate brethren to ensure that we are all prepared for what will happen on Earth. I have come to reign again, and they should all be very useful in helping to attain that since they have spent so much time there. It is funny to remember all the way back, when the humans began their civilizations, it was much the same. The other Gods went in ahead to prepare them for me, and when it was time, I guided them to a better future. Now it is time for a different reign. Before, it was one region at a time, because of their primitive communication that was all that we could hold sway over. But now, this entire globe is connected, ruling one nation means ruling them all, and I will hold the world in the palm of my hand.

Heracles: But you will let each of us have a country to rule in your name, will we not?

Zeus: If you wish it, that may be the best thing. Which part would you like, my son?

Heracles: First pick? Won’t Apollo be jealous of that. I choose Macedonia, the birthplace of Alexander the Great.

Hebe: Oh, father, may I have Crete? I have always thought that island so beautiful.

Eilithea: And I would like Carthage.

Hebe: Carthage was burnt to the ground, dear sister. In the Roman days.

Eilithea: I’m sure they’ve made another city there. It was a very important place.

Hebe: But there’s no guarantee it would be anything like the Carthage that you remember.

Eilithea: Well, who’s to say that Crete looks anything the same? Or that Macedonia is still the birthplace of emperors and champions? You heard father, he said the entire world is connected now, there must be important people who don’t live near Greece.

Zeus: That is the key thing, Eilithea. It has been very long since I was on Earth, but they tell me that much has changed. We must prepare ourselves for an entirely new conception of things. The lesser Gods tell many tales of places called America, which is that big hourglass bit in the middle of the ocean. And they speak of strange occurrences, computers and worldwide webs of some sort. I suppose they are like transportation tubes that cross the globe, but I do not know how you would build such things over vast oceans.

Hebe: Why have you not gone there to see, father?

Zeus: I am the King of the Gods, I do not need to wear out my legs going and seeing. I have a multitude of servants who are my ambassadors and informants. Besides, I have infinitely more fun here on Olympus than I ever did on Earth. I am only going to establish my rule, and then I will come back here. I hope that you three, being my companions these few hundred years, will remain with me as the true guardians of my realm.

Eilithea: As you wish, father. We are happy here. This talk of webs has me a bit frightened. I detest spiders.

Hebe: I wonder, though, what things the humans have made. It was always good to go down and get new jewelry and things. I mean, the only Gods who are craftsmen are Hephaestus and Prometheus, and they always wanted to make silly things like viaducts, never anything useful.

Zeus: The Hecatonchires, those who have a hundred hands and fifty heads, are also craftsman. But you have never met them, because they live on the gates of Tartarus, where I banished my enemies at the beginning of time. Since then, the Hecatonchires have always been my faithful servants, but like Hephaestus are more concerned with making viaducts than necklaces.

Hebe: Did not you meet these beasts in your labors, my husband?

Heracles: I passed by that place when I was to meet with Atlas at the edge of the world, but I did not see those wild creatures that our father speaks of so often.

Zeus: So often? I have not spoken of the Hecatonchires for many months, I thought. Are my stories so boring that you have them all memorized, then?

Heracles: No, great Zeus, I was… I misspoke, I mean…
(he is saved by the arrival of Dionysus, who pops into the room and immediately bows to Zeus)

Dionysus: Great and powerful Zeus, I bid your welcome in my journey from the places of humans.

Zeus: Dionysus, you are thrice welcome to your original but neglected home.

Dionysus: But are these hundred years neglect? A mere pittance in the life of a God, and if my father comes to the Earth as he has promised, then we will be together once more. Tell me, Hebe, Heracles, Eilithea, how are my fair relations?

Zeus: We bore and tear at each other, too long alone in this great house. Your presence lifts my mood immensely, as you are always the center from which ecstatic diversions arise. I shall expect the best of entertainment over your stay.

Dionysus: And you shall have it, of course! I have learned a good many tricks about revelry over the past few years.

Zeus: What are you doing on earth, my son?

Dionysus: Ah, I’m a music video director! (all look blank) I… you watch television here? (blank) Right. Let me see, the humans, they have this sort of viewscreen that allows them to see things from many miles away.

Heracles: Like a telescope?

Dionysus: Right, exactly, only every house has one, and they’re not looking at space, they’re looking at, well, plays, really. Sometimes other things but mostly plays, and what I do is that musicians on earth make very short plays that are written to go with a certain song that they have, I give them ideas about their plays.

Zeus: Ah, so all of these plays are meant to worship you.

Dionysus: Not really. Most of the plays I have nothing to do with making, I just direct a small number of these musical plays that get shown on the television, the telescope thingy, well, I mean, on different channels…

Zeus: What do you mean, direct? In the old theater the director was a human, who worked as one of the company, and you inspired them from above.

Dionysus: Yeah, but you know, inspiration only goes so far. Now that we live like humans, I wanted to try it out for myself, so that’s absolutely what I do, I’m in there ten, twelve hours a day, setting up the shots, talking to the distributors, the whole routine. It’s really rewarding, and obviously, I’m kind of successful, so they even interview me for other shows, err, plays.

Zeus: Because you are a God.

Dionysus: Because I’m good at what I do. They don’t know that I’m a god.

Zeus: What? What is the purpose of that? All of your brothers and sisters out in the world doing the work of Gods, and you play at being a human? I knew your interest in theater would take you down the wrong roads, but this is ridiculous. Living like a human, it’s… unthinkable.
(long pause)

Dionysus: I am sorry that you are displeased, Zeus. But this is the way that all of us live, the Gods. We chose to… to see if we could even live like humans, several hundred years ago, as a game.

Zeus: A game? The pride of the Gods, and you treat it as a game.

Dionysus: It was Apollo’s idea.

Zeus: Then I will speak to him about it when he arrives. And where are the rest of the Gods? I told you all to come immediately.

Dionysus: Athena is on her way here even now. As for the rest, I think… they are perhaps trying to wrap things up on Earth.

Zeus: Wrap up? What is there to wrap up? The humans are now so important that they supercede the commands of the King of the Gods?

Dionysus: I believe that Hera wanted to see them before they came here.

Zeus: I might have known! Always trying to usurp my authority. Plotting behind my back, she has done it before, and she will apparently do it again. All the more reason for me to be on earth, to keep an eye on her. It’s too bad I couldn’t keep her locked up forever, perhaps it is not too late to send her to Tartarus where she can scheme with all of my other enemies.

Hebe: Perhaps she only wanted to see them to make sure that they would be ready to see you, father.

Zeus: Ready to see me? Rehearsed in their lies, you mean. I’m not shocked that she would intend this, but that any of the other Gods would follow suit is an insult that will not be forgiven. They will pay for this.

Eilithea: Maybe they did not understand, father, that you wish to see them right away. Sometimes Hermes is not so clear with his instructions.

Zeus: And it was just earlier you were telling me how much you missed and respected Hermes. You are as fickle as your mother, go to your room. The rest of you, go as well. I have nothing to say until these traitors arrive and ask for my forgiveness.
(they go, he simmers for a minute until a knock on the door). Yes?
(Athena enters)

Athena: My father, (bowing) it is an honor to see you once more.

Zeus: An honor? Clearly not so honorable that you couldn’t tear yourself away from living with your human friends.

Athena: I have displeased you, sire?

Zeus: You have all shamed the name of the Gods and proven yourselves unworthy of my guidance.

Athena: I do not understand. Not three hours ago Hermes gave me this message, and I came as soon as I could. I sent on Dionysus expressly to tell you that I would be arriving shortly.

Zeus: You did not wish to stay to talk to Hera?

Athena: Surely you know that she does not speak with me. I alone was not contacted for her conspiracies against you. She knows that I am not interested in what she or any other of the Gods do, I am always at your service alone.

Zeus: Is this the truth, Athena?

Athena: I cannot lie to you.

Zeus: Then I am comforted. You are still my faithful daughter, my oldest and dearest child, untouched by the unhappy fates of your brothers and sisters. It hurts me that you ever left Olympus.

Athena: I know. I never meant to be away for so long, but there were things that… I wanted to accomplish for you on earth. I wanted you to be proud of me.

Zeus: You have never had to prove yourself to me, my child. I have always respected and admired you.

Athena: (the hint of… a smile?!?!?!) Then I am indeed remiss in not coming more often to Olympus. I hope we will be able to make up for lost time… (looking scared that she has said too much) I mean to say, that until the others get here, perhaps we can… converse as once we did.

Zeus: It would be my greatest pleasure.

SCENE 7:
Poseidon’s Beach Resort. Poseidon is still sunning himself on the beach, olive polo, bright blue towel. Demeter and Aphrodite and also sunning themselves. Nathaniel walks in with drinks for the women and looks at them with extreme interest.

Aphrodite: Aren’t you a peach, Nathaniel, bringing us drinks.

Demeter: Your father certainly raised you well.

Nathaniel: Yeah, no problem. Anything you need, let me know.

Demeter: I’m fine now, it’s just so nice being away work. Are any of the others here yet?

Nathaniel: Not yet, I guess you’ll have to leave the beach when they do.

Aphrodite: Don’t be silly. Any business that can’t be done on the beach isn’t worth doing.

Poseidon: That’s exactly what I said. We can have a meeting right here just as easily as anywhere else. Of course, the three of us are going to be drunk as skunks by the time the rest of that lot show up.

Demeter: Too late, here comes the demon duo and scary girl.

Aphrodite: Apollo and Artemis haven’t changed a bit, have they?

Demeter: Hopefully Eris has. It seems like every thing she touches goes horribly wrong somehow.

Poseidon: Well, she is the Goddess of Discord, you have to expect these things. I wouldn’t worry about it, the Trojan War came our alright, didn’t it?

Aphrodite: Not for the Trojans.

Poseidon: You know what I mean, it’s not like the world ended, though.

Aphrodite: And what would you say about her little experiment in suggesting a monotheistic religion to the humans?

Poseidon: Granted, I’m not the biggest fan of Judeo-Christianity, but they did make nice churches.

Demeter: You’d say that, you never got burned as a witch.

Poseidon: You got burned as a witch?

Demeter: It isn’t funny! Do you know how hard it is to fake a human death when you’re being encompassed by flames? I was so mad that I gave them crop trouble for twenty years. I know we’re not supposed to do stuff like that anymore, but I figured they had it coming.
(by this point the threesome have approached. They are all holding hands.

Apollo: Who had what coming?

Demeter: Germans, they burned me at the stake.

Artemis: Ooh, I’ve got you beat. When I was in southeast Asia I hunted some sacred animal or other and they tied me to a tree to be eaten by the local insect life.

Aphrodite: Nothing compares to having decided to become a prostitute in London in 1888.

Eris: What on earth possessed you to do that?

Aphrodite: Well, when I started that lifeline in 1860 I wasn’t exactly going to know about Jack the Ripper, was I?

Apollo: Still, kind of silly being a prostitute anyway. You could have been an actress and gotten paid much better.

Aphrodite: Oh, I’ll leave the acting to you, pretty boy.

Nathaniel: You were really good in that last movie, the one with the, you know, genetic engineering stuff.

Apollo: Thanks, Nate. How’s life on the beach?

Nathaniel: Really good, yeah. I keep thinking one of these days I’ll get a human lifeline like you guys, maybe be a swimmer or something, I dunno.

Aphrodite: Don’t waste your time, in another hundred years you’ll be bored as hell and have to do it to keep from going crazy, but until then, you might as well just sit here and have pretty girls bring you drinks. You do have pretty girls working here don’t you?

Artemis: That sounds like something I’d ask.

Eris: You’re taken, young lady. I will be watching you.

Artemis: But it’s the first full council of the Gods in what, seven hundred years? When have we ever gotten together on Olympus and not had a giant boinkfest?

Nathaniel: Really?

Demeter: Absolutely sinful displays of sexual perversion.

Apollo: Ladies, show some decorum. We’re supposed to be role models.

Poseidon: Ha. I’m his father, and I’m perfectly willing to discuss the possibility of an Olympian shagathon. Certainly will make up for the fact that we have to put up with Zeus again.

Eris: And Athena, that’s the really tough part. I mean, I know she comes out for Christmas every few years, but at least then we get some forewarning.

Nathaniel: How come Christmas is never a boinkfest?

Artemis: That’s a good question, I dunno. I think because we’re all really happy here, but when we get to Olympus it’s just bad memories, and stress and madness. You’ve not been there, have you?
(Nathaniel shakes his head)

Poseidon: We haven’t exactly been invited.

Eris: Join the crowd, and he’s my father. What can I say, I wasn’t one of his special children like the Perfect Twins here.

Apollo: We never tried to be perfect. I hope none of you still resent the attention that we got sometimes…

Artemis: We? Speak for yourself, brother. I wasn’t a favorite either, it was you and Athena, the chilly bitch.

Apollo: But I never sought that preference, it just fell on me, and I tried so hard to make sure that there was peace between everyone.

Poseidon: You have always been singularly conscientious, Apollo. Certainly I never had any reason to be jealous of you, and I could have hated you for any number of reasons, but what’s the point? You’re a great guy.

Demeter: Exactly. I do pride myself that I’ve treated all of you based on the kind of people you are, not because Hera was this way or Zeus was that way.

Eris: It’s a miracle that any of us get along at all anymore. Although the funny thing is I find it easier as time goes by, maybe because we’re not all cramped up on that mountain just wanting to tear each other’s hair out.

Apollo: Coming to earth was the best thing that we ever did.

Aphrodite: We had been on earth before, dear, your idea that we live like humans was the kicker. It’s been one great ride ever since.

Artemis: What would I do without my clever brother? Oh, yeah, that’s right, I’d cuddle up with my girl. (squeezes Eris, they giggle)

Poseidon: You two are on the verge of sickening me. Ah, but who comes this way to save me?
(Hephaestus, Hestia, and Prometheus approach).
Welcome to paradise, sister!

Hestia: It’s incredible. Why haven’t I come here more?

Demeter: Because you’re terribly dull and serious!

Hestia: Is that it? I will have to change that. Hello all, Sesi, Dem, Dite, Pollo, Artie, Eri. Nathaniel, I swear you’ve grown (he exchanges a look with Poseidon).

Nathaniel: Thanks, aunt Hestia.

Prometheus: You lot look completely comfortable, I take it we’ll be meeting out here?

Aphrodite: Of course, darling, it’s fabulous out here.

Prometheus: It’s awfully bright, though.

Hestia: That’s because you spend all day in a laboratory. With fluorescent lighting, no less, if you would just listen to me about the full spectrum lamps you’d have half the eye troubles you do now.

Artemis: Nag, nag, nag. Remind me never to get married.

Eris: (feigning hurt) Uh!

Apollo: I think it’s particularly remarkable that the two of you are still together and happy. Although I believe you should both get more sunlight and fresh air, look at how pasty you are!

Demeter: They can’t, they’re allergic to fun.

Prometheus: That’s unfair, why just yesterday I started cloning a giraffe, and it’s great fun.

Hephaestus: A giraffe now? What’s the timeframe on that?

Prometheus: Probably a few months to get it in the womb, and then, the normal.

Aphrodite: Oh, no, no shop talk. We are on vacation and I refuse to listen to the two of you and your incessant work.

Hephaestus: Hello, wife. (a chill falls over the crowd)

Prometheus: Perhaps we should put our stuff away at the hotel? Do we have to check in or anything?

Poseidon: Don’t be silly. We’ll get the help to bring your bags up later, I just don’t want them hanging around while we’re discussing Olympus. They might ask for a raise if they know they’re employed by an ancient God.

Hestia: You never change. Apollo, you’re doing quite well in this lifeline. A movie star, I thought that was Dionysus’ territory.

Apollo: He’s actually directing music videos now. I think movies don’t really have enough sex and violence to attract him. Is he coming here, does anyone know?

Demeter: I haven’t seen him for ages, I hope he does.

Eris: But he is rather afraid of mum.

Artemis: Still, I’m sure he was invited here. I didn’t speak with him, did you Pollo?

Apollo: Yeah, quickly, I called him after Hermes came for me. Hermes is a bit out of it, isn’t he? Didn’t understand phones at all.

Hestia: I know, and it took him long enough to make it out our way, I imagine he hasn’t even gotten to Hades yet.

Prometheus: It is at the edge of the world, you know.

Aphrodite: Well, I’m afraid I threw his schedule off a bit, but you know I couldn’t help myself. He’s so delicious.

Hephaestus: He’s a little prick.

Poseidon: Enough, you two. For the sake of the rest of us, can you please agree to a truce for the next three or four days? We’re going to have enough of it with Hera and Zeus in the same room.

Artemis: I’m so not looking forward to that. Just when Hera had gotten completely normal and calm, he has to come in again and make her crazy again.
(Hera has snuck up on the conversation with Eros and Psyche)

Hera: Again? I didn’t realize I was ever crazy.

All: Hello, heya, what’s up, etc.

Apollo: And Eros and Psyche! I didn’t even begin to hope that you would join us.

Eris: How are you two???

Eros: Wonderful, how are all of you?

All: good, great, etc.

Psyche: Well, we weren’t exactly on Zeus’ list, but Hera here called us and let us know what was going on. I mean, we try to stay neutral on most things, but we’re quite fond of earth the way it is. I’d hate to see anything happen.

Artemis: Amen to that.

Demeter: It will be nice having Gods of your age and wisdom there, having known Gaea herself, and even you Prometheus, I think having older Gods around tends to keep Zeus from getting too uppity.

Hera: Nothing keeps Zeus from being obnoxious, darling, but it will be a great pleasure to have them at Olympus all the same. We so rarely get to see the two of you at Christmas even, so busy with yourselves.

Eros: We’ve spent a great deal of time away from earth lately, but then also we’ve built up our advertising company here.

Aphrodite: So you’re the one responsible for all the naked people in adverts.

Eros: No, no, remember sex is your department, love is mine. Actually, for the past few decades we’ve been writing greeting cards.

Psyche: It’s quite sweet because the humans see us as this little old couple, just brilliantly happy after all those years.

Artemis: How cute. I think you’re about to make Nathaniel gag.

Nathaniel: What? I didn’t… well, it’s not exactly what I’d do.

Poseidon: Oh come on, I think it would be good for you, go to work for friends of the family. You could write some really excellent cards I’m sure. “Thank you for the gift. It was crap, but at least I can exchange it for a new video game.”

Prometheus: At least Nathaniel remembers things like our wedding anniversary, unlike some fathers who will remain nameless.

Hestia: And he actually cooks food for Christmas dinner, unlike some brothers who bring a Jell-o mold from the shop every year.

Eris: At least it isn’t fruitcake, I suppose. And it’s better than that health food crap that Apollo is always forcing on us.

Apollo: It’s good for you, and if you ever tasted it you would be quite surprised.

Hera: Who cares if it’s good for us, we’re Gods! I’d rather have something really fattening and awful. I mean, what have you got from eating all those rice cakes and tofu salads? Where is this great body we’re always seeing on television, eh? Hiding behind your shirt now.
(Apollo blushes, they all call out at him to take it off)

Aphrodite: You used to run around Greece completely naked and it never bothered you one bit, now all of a sudden you’re embarrassed.

Apollo: Well, I just, I got this tattoo.

Demeter: This we’ve got to see. Take it off. (he takes his shirt off, revealing a tattoo of a lyre on his left shoulder blade)

Artemis: You got a tattoo of a lyre? That’s pathetic.

Apollo: It’s my body and I like it.

Aphrodite: I like your body, too, darling, but the tattoo is a bit lame. Then again, when have I ever turned down something lame?

Hephaestus: Are we going to have a meeting about Olympus or are we all going to chat for two days?

Hera: How right you are, my son. I sent Ares off to make sure that Hades and Persephone would get here on time, and I hope they are on their way, so perhaps we should make a start and they can catch up with us. The issue, as you know, is that Zeus wishes to have a new reign on earth, with all of the bowing and scraping and sacrifices and incense. I personally feel this is a bad idea for several reasons. First, human evolution has progressed to a point where they no longer need our guidance as Gods. It would, in fact, be quite detrimental to their current worldview to impose a new spiritual movement on them. Secondly, it is not entirely certain that we would even be able to rule over the humans anymore. Technology and overpopulation has made the way we previously ruled over them to be superfluous and inadequate. We might try to make a go of things, and succeed only in embarrassing ourselves. Thirdly, as you already suspect but might not think I’d admit to, I don’t want to have anything to do with Zeus, ever again, and whatever plans he comes up with are guaranteed not to bring my help or encouragement in any way. I cannot speak for the rest of you in this matter, though, and I am curious as to your impressions.

Eros: Perhaps it would be helpful if we all went around in a circle, so we could hear what everybody thinks.

Hera: A good suggestion. Why don’t you begin?

Eros: Okay, I already mentioned that I try to keep neutral as much as possible. My concern is for the state of the humans, and I think your first and second point reflect that. I agree, it would be downright foolish for Zeus to attempt control over the humans at this date, and I would like to persuade him out of it.

Psyche: My thoughts are similar. I hope we do not have to come to more serious measures to keep Zeus from the earth, but it would be very sad if he were to hamper their development out of his pride.

Poseidon: On that point, I think we can all agree. I’m quite torn, because personally I have my little corner of the world that I keep to, and I don’t much want to get involved with anything controversial. However, in this case, I am prepared to use all the resources available to me if Zeus meddles and if things go wrong. But to tell you the truth, if he wants the earth so badly, he can have it, he’ll just try it again in another thousand years.

Demeter: Cynical, but probably true. Be that as it may, I don’t like the idea of going back to a crop goddess and having people killing virgins just to ask me to make it rain. I realize that Zeus’ attempt at control wouldn’t necessarily mean that I’d have to assume my old duties, but… I just don’t want the pressure, and I’d rather see him find something better to do.

Aphrodite: Fair enough. I’m not entirely sure what I want right now. I like playing at human lifelines, but then I liked being a fully committed goddess. I’d like to hear what Zeus has planned specifically and find out if it’s even feasible. I do think that if any of the rest of you choose not to engage in your former duties, you should in no way be punished or guilt tripped about it, and I know that is one thing where Zeus would be particularly in need of guidance.

Eris: At least you’re honest about it. I, on the other hand, am quite certain that I know what Zeus has planned. I am also in the unique position of being able to directly stop him, for although I do not have the power to go against him, I do have the power to, shall we say, ruin the best laid plans? I will exercise my powers to see that Zeus is not successful in this attempt, and I will not hesitate to exert myself against anyone else who takes his side. I’ve seen what humans will do in the name of religion, and I will not stand back and let someone as power crazed as Zeus come in and give them something new to kill for. We started living as humans as a game, but this is serious.

Artemis: Indeed, this is. I do not want to see all of us fighting each other, but what other option is there if Zeus persists? I know what he wants and why he wants it, but I would like to think that we can convince him otherwise. He is not always the easiest to reason with, but… I keep saying but, I hate speaking in front of everyone, this isn’t my thing, sorry, as I was saying, we’ve just got to stop everything going bad.

Apollo: My sister brings up an important point. We already know that Zeus and Hermes are interested in the pursuit of earthly rule. I assume from Dionysus. absence that he, too will be following that path. There are of course a host of lesser gods in Olympus and on earth that will do the bidding of Zeus. Against all of these forces, Hera and Eris have announced their unequivocal opposition. Some of us will wait and see what happens before taking sides, and some of us will probably remain neutral throughout. But it is important to remember that this is not a popularity contest, over who likes Zeus and who likes Hera, and what position we choose is not tacit agreement with the motivations of anyone else on that side. We must each do what is right for us, because it is what we believe will be best, not for us, not for Olympus, but for the humans. I, too, feel that there is no place for Gods in the human world. I stand with Hera on this.

Hestia: You are right, Apollo. I do not wish to see another Titanomachia. Having the gods face against each other was the most traumatic experience of my life. There was a rift that was caused by that, which could only be healed by the distance of Tartarus, and I will not watch another war end that way. I advise you, Hera, although you are capable of it, to not take that path to winning. This is a fight over earth, keep it on earth. It is already clear to me that Zeus will make this a war between gods and he will infuriate you, I know. But do not use this disagreement as an excuse to try to destroy Zeus. I will support you in your efforts to protect the humans, and I will defend you against that man more than anyone. But I will not watch you fail yourself if you become too passionate in this cause. You must rule yourself, Hera, if you wish to maintain your leadership.

Hera: The war between Zeus and I is our own affair. I had never intended to drag any of you into it. I will not promise you that I will show him any more mercy than he would show me. But the fight for the humans will always be separate from what I may feel or think about Zeus. And I scarcely need your advice on my emotional state, Hestia. I am no longer a slave to the jealousy and hatred which eroded my judgment when last we lived on Olympus. If any of you question my abilities, then you should fight for the humans on your own terms. I do not ask you to join me in any way, I merely request that you stand up against a threat to our mutual protégées. As Apollo said, this is no popularity contest, and I am not here to make friends.

Prometheus: But you are also not here to make enemies. Be patient with those of us whose involvement in this affair is less personal than your own. I of all the Gods should be angry with Zeus’ suggestion, as it was I who first created the humans. Yet I have always known that it was the rest of you who would bring out their true potential. Which you have. Now I hope that you allow them to keep that potential by turning Zeus from his purpose. Whether this is through persuasion or manipulation or all out war, I am prepared for my part to do whatever it takes. And let me assure you that I would rather wipe them all out in an instant than watch them suffer and devolve under Zeus’ tutelage.

Hephaestus: Let us hope it does not come to that. I, too, do not like the idea of interfering with the humans. You need but look at what the influence of the other Gods has done to us to see how dangerous we are, and we are supposedly much stronger and wiser than these humans. If we cannot protect ourselves from each other’s machinations, then surely we cannot expect the humans to stay on their best behavior. We are not fit to be their inspiration.

Hera: Nathaniel, you are not an Olympian, but certainly as a lesser god have some opinion of things. I am especially interested to know if you are in contact with any of the other lesser gods.

Nathaniel: Yes, my mother’s family I see once a year, sometimes more. They’re not in thrall to either Olympus or earth, really, I think you would have to approach them with the situation and see how they favored things. Most of them will probably be neutral, their functions are more bound to the earth than humans, so they don’t really care what happens.

Hera: And your own thoughts?

Nathaniel: Oh, I don’t know. This is the first I’ve heard of anything like this, so… I guess, I mean, you lot seem to be doing alright for yourselves the way things are, and I can’t really imagine people suddenly starting to worship you all again without it being weird cults with nasty-haired polygamists as their leaders. Which, maybe that would give Zeus what he wants and the rest of you what you want.

Apollo: It would be the ideal solution. But I fear that father will not be satisfied with just poodle hair psychopaths. This will be a long, drawn out business. And I was having so much fun. (he sighs)

Hera: There is still time for fun. Since Hades and Perse have still not arrived, why don’t we call this meeting adjourned, and then talk again tomorrow morning about how to approach the King of the Gods.

Aphrodite: Nice of you to say that just as the sun is starting to go down, we’re not going to get a hint of a tan now.

Demeter: And it’ll be too cold to swim.

Poseidon: I’m sure you can warm the waters up, my dear. And if you can’t, then I will.

Artemis: Excellent, I could do with a dip.
(scene fades as rest chatter on, Hera sits apart stroking her neck thoughtfully)

SCENE 8:
Hades. Ares and Hermes are arm wrestling on a table and chair set made of sinners. Hades and Persephone are rushing around, trying to get things ready to go, giving instructions to Minos, Charon, and Cerberus. Their daughter Cephallenia watches on boredly.

Persephone: What are we going to do about the nectar and ambrosia supply? Will you sign for the weekly shipments, Charon?

Charon: Yes, madame. I usually take them in on my boat anyway. I will see that they come to the correct kitchen.

Persephone: Good, you know we can’t have sinners running around eating that. Although I don’t see why it matters, they’re dead, it’s eternity, who cares?

Hades: Oh, one of these days we’ll get around to letting them have the day off, but it’s too fun to torture them. Builds character. Minos, are you sure you’ll be able to carry out all the judgments and decisions of law while I’m gone?

Minos: Yes, sire. My brothers will help me if need be. You just go on and enjoy yourselves.

Persephone: Enjoy? What is there to enjoy? Five hours of rushing around this place getting things tied up and we are nowhere nearer stepping out the door than when Hermes came. I tell you, this is why we never leave.

Hades: (humorously) Death doesn’t take a holiday.

Charon: But this is a working vacation, is it not?

Hades: Yes. Our presence is necessary I suppose, but I think it would have been much easier if everyone had agreed to come out here, instead of some.. beach house.

Cephallenia: Personally I would kill to go to a beach house.

Persephone: You can’t dear, they’re already dead.

Cephallenia: Gee, that’s funny. But why can’t I come? Minos and Charon will take care of everything here, they don’t need me. I’ll just be in the way, and I’ve never gotten to see the outside world. I’m practically two hundred years old, don’t you think it’s about time I got to go out?

Hades: It’s just that it won’t be very interesting for you. Once we get to Olympus, there’s also going to be a lot of arguing and I’d rather not have you there.

Cephallenia: I’m sure there will be other lesser gods my age I can meet. You’ve told me there are on Olympus.

Persephone: Maybe if she stayed in their quarters it wouldn’t be so bad. You know, away from the council. She can’t get up to much harm on Olympus, it’s much safer than Earth.

Minos: And at times much safer than here. I have noticed, although I hesitate to bring it up, some of the sinners leering at Cephallenia.

Hades: Leering?

Minos: I punished them duly, sire. I did not bring it to your attention because I knew your wrath would be terrible, and I was afraid you would not allow Cephallenia to come to our corner of the realm, which would be a terrible loss to my brothers and I. (Ceph mouths ‘thanks’ to Minos, who winks).

Hades: As long as you took care of it immediately. Perhaps you are right, this place is filled with debauchery and sin, it’s no good for a young goddess.

Persephone: So you want to take her to Olympus instead? Where the debauchery and sin is so much better. Don’t look at me, young lady, I’m on your side. But I would like to make the point that where we are going is… you know there is a reason we stayed in Hades instead of Olympus.

Charon: It must be the scenic atmosphere and beneficent company.

Hades: You can always find a replacement boatman, Charon. You’re not a slave.

Charon: I know that sire. But you must be aware that after all of my years in Hades most of the other lesser gods consider me… rather unfit company. I’m afraid there’s not much else.

Hades: Well, you could do as my brothers and sisters, and live human lifelines. They seem to have a rather gay time of things, but they never did have the responsibilities of this place. Speaking of which, where did I put my luggage?

Minos: By the door, sire. Cerberus is sniffing at it.

Hades: Poor thing, he’s going to miss us.

Minos: We’ll be sure to take care of him.

Hades: Only feed him twice a day. He will try to get you to feed him at lunch, too, but that would make him fat.

Persephone: Although, you can give him a bone, a chewing bone, in the afternoons. Just not any of those treat things that Hestia gave us for Christmas.

Charon: They’ll get the tartar off his teeth, those bones.

Persephone: I just don’t think they’re very good, though, for a hellhound. I’m sure for human dogs they need all that preservatives and whatnot but Cerberus is very finicky, you know, he only likes certain kinds of flesh. (assorted sinners in the room shudder, Persephone decides to tease them) Human flesh.

Cephallenia: So, back to the whole, can I go question. Because I should pack if I can come.

Hades: Well, I don’t see any problem with it, if… IF… you agree to stay under the guidance of one of the lesser gods on Olympus and if… IF… you agree to come back here immediately if there are any problems that your mother and I might get caught up with.

Cephallenia: Yay! (she runs off to pack)

Minos: Are you expecting… problems… sir?

Hades: Let us hope not. But you never know with Zeus. (looks significantly at Hermes) There is trouble afoot.

Charon: I’m sure you will prevail upon him with the wisdom of giving up on human control. And if he wishes it so very badly, perhaps he should come here and try his hand at it.

Hades: I would like to see Zeus down here. The organization of the circles would blow his mind, for one thing. I don’t think he can count to nine. And then there’s the gates to Tartarus, which would just make him paranoid. No, this is my home, and I plan to keep it that way.

Persephone: Still, it will be nice to get out and see a little bit of the world. It wouldn’t be so bad if we got to take a vacation every once in awhile.

Hades: And have to go through all of this? Running around like headless chickens just to go away for three days?

Persephone: It might be longer, dear. But really, Minos and Charon have been doing their job for thousands of years, they are absolutely trustworthy.

Minos: Thank you for your kindness, Persephone. We try to fill our jobs to the utmost.

Charon: Nothing will be any different when you arrive than when you left. And you go away every year for Christmas, things are alright.

Hades: Yes, but that’s not even one day, it’s just for lunch or dinner, and we never take Ceph with us. I worry that it might not be right to bring her.

Charon: I’m sure she’ll be well treated by the other lesser gods, we take care of our own.

Minos: And it is what she’s always wanted, to see the outside world. You can’t keep her here forever.

Hades: I know, but it would be nice. I guess it’s just that part of me that grew up in my father’s stomach thinking that everyone should grow up in a small place.

Persephone: And it is a joy for us, having her around. The other gods visit us so infrequently. I think Ares and Hermes are the first to arrive in well over two hundred years.
(Ares and Hermes hear their names and look up)

Ares: What did we do?

Persephone: You are the first gods to come here in two hundred years.

Hermes: Well, it’s such a bright and cheery place.

Ares: My problem is that I always see these damned souls from battles I caused, makes me a bit guilty. Either that or girls I impregnated, still wanting child support after like a thousand years. (To Hermes) Do you have that problem?

Hermes: I don’t go around to the lost souls bits here, I just come in, deliver the message, and get the… you know… out of here.

Hades: The Hades, I suppose? I wonder why it’s called Hades, after me, it’s not like the earth is called Zeus or the ocean, Poseidon.

Minos: But those realms were already there when the three of you took power, Hades was a new addition to Tartarus, was it not?

Hades: Yes, that must be it. It makes me feel a bit dark and awkward though, having this place named after me. It’s like those Emperors that name cities after themselves, people must think I’m a right prat.

Charon: Not really, most of them are scared to death of you. Or rather, scared past death.

Persephone: And he’s such a little pussycat. Okay, well, I think I’ve got everything in order. Are you sure it’s going to be fine?
(Minos takes her by the shoulders)

Minos: It will be fine. Go, have as good a time you can, do the right thing, and come back when you’re finished. (lets go and turns to Hades) The same applies to you.

Hades: I don’t know what we’d do without you two.

Charon: Get more lesser gods, I expect. (spying Ceph) I’m sure Cephallenia will be rowing the boat in another hundred years.

Cephallenia: I will not. All that gold on the eyes thing, it’s really morbid. I’m ready to go.

Hades: Alright, then. Hermes, Ares, we’re going now.

Ares: Wicked! Let’s scoot.

Hermes: You are coming to Olympus.
(Four Gods look at each other)

Ares: I think they’re coming with me, first. We’ll meet you on Olympus.

Hermes: I dunno if I should let you run off, I really ought to follow you.

Hades: Would not Zeus prefer you to check in with him?

Hermes: Of course, but he’s easy enough to put off if there’s a beach party on the cards.

Persephone: I’m sure there’s just boring meetings going on. Besides, you have those sandals so you don’t have to wait on transmigration time. You can go check in on Zeus and if you still want to come round, then we’ll have just got there ourselves.

Ares: An excellent suggestion. Besides, you don’t want another scene with my mother, do you? She’s a bit touch and go right now.

Hermes: I can handle her. But first I should see the other one. I’ll see you all later.
(he disappears)

Hades: Well, shall we? Minos, Charon, you have my cel number, call me if anything happens.

Persephone: We won’t get reception on Olympus dear.

Hades: We get reception here, we can get it anywhere. Besides, it’s a mountain, they’re closer to the satellites.

Minos: (to get them gone) Godspeed you.

Charon: Good trip.

Cephallenia: Byyyyyyyyyye!
(they all disappear while Minos and Charon smile like statues. As soon as they are gone there is a huge whoosh of exhaled air and the two look at each other.

Charon: Ass kisser.

Minos: Hey, I have to live with them. I don’t get to sit there on Styx in my little boat and bitch at dead people all day. I have to play politics.

Charon: But do you have to be so obvious about it? They’re going to think we’re trying to get rid of them.

Minos: Well, we are, aren’t we? I’m thinking tonight we’ll have a sexual perversions party, and tomorrow will be a celebration of… gluttony.

Charon: Break out the ambrosia and nectar. Don’t worry, I have their FedEx number, I can order twice as much and they will never know.

Minos: When the cat’s away, the mice will play. (Cerberus barks in assent)

SCENE 9:
Beach Resort. It is nighttime now, and there is a bonfire on the beach. Demeter, Aphrodite, Poseidon, Artemis, Eris, Nathaniel, Eros and Psyche are swimming. Hera, Hephaestus, Hestia, Prometheus, and Apollo sit in front of the fire, chatting.

Prometheus: I think I’ve got more Nobel prizes than either of you, six from five different lifelines.

Apollo: That puts me out, three, but one of them was a peace prize, and those are really hard to get.

Hephaestus: Actually, I got my sixth on this lifeline.

Prometheus: On this one? The rocket scientist? Why didn’t you say it?

Hephaestus: I invited you to the ceremony last year.

Hera: You didn’t invite me, and I’m your mother.

Hephaestus: Yes, I did. But you were in Japan buying up companies.

Hestia: Good mum you are.

Hera: No, I remember it now, you called me that morning. How was I supposed to ditch everything and catch a flight? I would have had to lay over in Moscow and the last time I was there I got mugged three times.

Apollo: It’s that unsafe in the city?

Hera: City, I was in the airport.

Prometheus: And it must have been nearly impossible to rematerialize all of your documents.

Hera: Well.. . I mean it’s a pain to have to do it. Besides, I had to cancel all of my credit cards and get new ones.

Hestia: Okay, which one of you invented those things, because I know it must have been someone here.

Hera: To tell the truth, it was Eris.

Hestia: I might have known. That I should have seen.

Apollo: I’m still trying to figure out who came up with the income tax.

Hera: Not guilty. And that wasn’t Eris.

Apollo: Ares, then?

Hera: No, I’ve no idea. I’m positive the humans did it themselves. They’re very clever at getting money and then doing nothing with it. I mean, I spend the stuff like water, why keep it around?

Hestia: So you can retire in style, so you can give it to your children.

Apollo: I don’t mean to be rude, Hestia, but why do you and Prometheus not have any children?

Prometheus: We do, we had several children a few thousand years ago or something. They’re lesser Gods, they live in Tartarnyx, the city at the edge of Tartarus. I’m sure you met them.

Apollo: I don’t recall it at all.

Hera: They were never on Earth, they were little craftsy types that went right to work for the Hecatonchires. Bizarre little city, that’s where we got the idea for Valhalla for, you know.

Apollo: That’s right, now I remember, yes. Celmis and Epimedes. They must have grandchildren by now!

Hestia: Yes, Celmis has three and Epimedes has five. They’ve practically populated the city now, I think.

Apollo: I feel like it’s been so long since we all just sat down and had a nice chat. I mean, at Christmas everything is so rushed and half the thing is the stress of who’s having dinner.

Hera: And who’s coming and who isn’t. And it’s just a day, and then it’s back to things.

Prometheus: I have to admit I am looking forward to a few days on Olympus just catching up with everyone I haven’t seen since the dawn of the time.

Hestia: It would be nice to try to be a bit more proactive with everyone, getting together I mean. The Christmas thing is really good, but it would be nice to say, have our children around for once, and everyone in Hades like Charon and Minos, and the Olympians. It’s like wherever we pick to go, somebody has something against it.

Hephaestus: Speaking of Hades, here comes the prodigal uncle now.

Hera: Who’s that there? Is that Baby Boy?

Hestia: I’m not sure, he looks pretty young to be a God. Maybe he’s an Oceanid.
(Hades arrives with Persephone and Cephallenia)

Hades: Funny, funny, sis. I hope we aren’t unbelievably late.

Hera: You are, but you’re the baby, so everything is forgiven. Good lord, is that your daughter?

Persephone: I’d like all of you to meet Cephallenia, who I don’t think anyone besides Demeter has seen since she was a baby. Ceph, this is your aunt Hera, your aunt Hestia, her husband Prometheus, Apollo, and Hera’s son Hephaestus.
(general hellos)

Hera: Now I feel like a complete shitbag for never coming to visit you in Hades. But you know, it’s so dank and creepy there. It’s like being in a subway station.

Hades: Thanks, we actually find it rather homey.

Hestia: Baby Boy, I am the goddess of hominess, and that place gives me the chills. Oh, did you like the new throw rugs I sent you? They’re very nice for accents.

Persephone: They’re wonderful, thanks. So, when is this meeting we’re all meant to have?

Apollo: We already had one talk, and will have another in the morning. How about if I introduce Cephallenia to the rest and you can get caught up with things?

Hades: Perfect, thanks. We’d have come sooner, but you know how it is.

Hera: Where is Ares? I thought he was with you.

Hades: He was… oh, he’s gone to the water already. There’s a shock.

Apollo: Come on, Cephallenia, do you like to swim?

Cephallenia: There really isn’t anywhere to swim in Hades. Except Styx and that’s nasty.
(they walk to the water)

Apollo: Well, I bet if you want to learn Nathaniel can help you out. He is an Oceanid.

Cephallenia: Nathaniel? What a weird name.

Apollo: He’s Poseidon’s son. (she looks blank) You don’t know him yet, sorry. I can’t believe that no one’s met you, this is going to be a bit rough. You’ve heard of everyone though?

Cephallenia: I guess so. I heard of everybody at the fire.

Apollo: Good. Well, in the water there’s Poseidon doing laps with Aphrodite. And there’s Demeter, you do know her?

Cephallenia: That’s my gran. She comes to Hades at least.

Apollo: The rest of us are pretty bad about that. I’m sorry, it’s something we’ve all got to work on.

Cephallenia: I can see why you don’t go, it’s really boring. I’ve never gotten to leave until now, it’s so amazing here. So bright.

Apollo: This is the nighttime though. You’ve never seen the daylight?

Cephallenia: Nope.

Apollo: I’ll wake you up tomorrow morning early and you can see the sunrise.

Cephallenia: Thanks. You’re really nice, I thought you were one of Zeus’ kids.

Apollo: I am. But I’m sort of… on good terms with everyone, I hope. Speaking of everyone, we’ve got to introduce you. Hold on. (hollers to the water people) Hey, beach bums, come over here and meet your long lost niece or cousin or whatever!!
(Artemis and Eris come straight away)

Artemis: Long lost? Where’s she been lost at? Hi you, who are you?

Cephallenia: I’m Cephallenia. Hades and Persephone’s daughter.

Eris: No kidding! Welcome to the party, I’m Eris, this is Artemis. She’s Apollo’s sister and I’m Hera and Zeus’s daughter.

Cephallenia: It’s nice to meet you.

Demeter: There’s my little darling! I’m so excited you’re here!

Cephallenia: Gran! (hug)

Demeter: Ooh, can you not call me that, you’ll make me feel ancient. So you’re meeting everyone for the first time. I’m so excited! Poseidon!! Get over here!!
(Poseidon and Aphrodite show up, followed by Ares, Eros, Psyche, and Nathaniel).
This is Poseidon, Hades and my brother. And here is Aphrodite, the Goddess of lust, don’t listen to a word she says, Ares who is our nephew, Eros and Psyche, who are… older than all of us put together, and lastly, Nathaniel, Poseidon’s son.

Nathaniel: Hiya. How old are you?

Cephallenia: One hundred and ninety- seven. How about you?

Nathaniel: Oh, wow, I’ve lost count, but something like four hundred now. It’s nice to not be the youngest person here anymore.

Cephallenia: I’m used to being the baby, everyone in Hades is either old or dead.

Ares: Poseidon on the other hand just acts dead.

Poseidon: Excuse you, Warlock. I may not be the most active of the Gods, but I will have you know that the only time I was mistaken for dead was when I took on the form of a whale while dead drunk and beached myself.

Aphrodite: That’s quite talented, actually. I’d really like to see that.

Nathaniel: I’ve got pictures.

Poseidon: Hush, you. Or I’ll banish you to go talk to my boring older sister at the fire.

Apollo: Actually, I was thinking that Nathaniel might be able to help teach Cephallenia to swim, she’s not ever had the chance in Hades.

Aphrodite: You’re kidding me, no beaches. You poor darling, you have to come out and get your feet wet first. Come on. Nathaniel, come along and help.
(Cephallenia looks at Demeter, who smiles and nods)

Demeter: I’ll come out, too. It’s kind of scary when you first start.

Poseidon: How come I get the feeling he’ll be seeing more excitement these next few days than I will?

Ares: Day’s not over yet. (they smirk)
(camera pans out over various groups on beach, in water before fading in)

SCENE 10:
Hotel itself. Apollo knocks on a door. Hades opens it.

Apollo: Hallo, is Cephallenia up?

Hades: It’s a bit early. Why do you want to see her?

Apollo: I promised her I’d take her down to the beach to see the sunrise, she’s never seen it before.

Hades: (suddenly grasping it) I’ve been a little overprotective, haven’t I?

Apollo: I’d be the same way. My only children were humans, and it’s hard to get attached.

Hades: I see your children. They’re good people.

Apollo: Thanks.

Hades: I’ll get her, hold on.
(Apollo looks pensive, Hades comes back with a sleepy Cephallenia)

Apollo: Good morning.

Cephallenia: It’s really early.

Apollo: But it’s worth it. Come on, then. Hades, would you like to come out as well?

Hades: I’m trying to remember the last time I saw a sunrise. Why not. (coming out and closing door) Persephone’s out for the count, though. She was swimming like a river rat all night.

Apollo: Aren’t you glad we’re meeting here and not at Hera’s office in the middle of the city?

Cephallenia: I would have liked to see a city.

Hades: Well, now that you’ve met all the family, I don’t see why you can’t go and visit them every once in awhile.

Cephallenia: Really? That would be awesome.
(they are outside, the sky is lightening)

Apollo: I think if we go to the hill on top of the beach we’ll get the best view.

Cephallenia: What are we looking for anyway, will you point it out so I don’t miss it?

Hades: Trust me, this you’ll be able to see for yourself. Do you like it, so far?

Cephallenia: Yeah, it’s really different. I mean, I’ve read all those books and things but it’s not the same. I learned to do the backstroke last night and the doggie paddle. It’s what Cerberus does when he gets in the Styx.

Apollo: Unlike what Achilles did in the Styx.

Hades: Yes, I believe we call that the ‘baby plop’. An Olympic event, back in the day.

Apollo: They’ve started doing the Olympics again. You should see it, it’s really incredible.

Hades: I’ve thought about getting a television, but I was afraid for one thing all the lost souls would be in there arguing over which channel to watch, or that we’d just veg out on all our duties and sit there with our mouths open all day.

Apollo: Would you even get reception there?

Hades: Yeah, we’ve all got cel phones and I’ve got an old radio somewhere. But you know me, I’ve always been more of a bibliophile.

Apollo: The library at Hades is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen. If only Olympus could rival such respect for wisdom.

Hades: You don’t really need books, though, what with all that Oracle business.

Apollo: It’s much easier to see the future than to write a decent book, though. Do you read much, Cephallenia?

Cephallenia: Yes, all the time. I also talk to lots of the souls and they tell me stories. Sometimes I even get to talk to the people who wrote the books, which is really fun because they tell you what the story was supposed to be. Is it that red sliver that we’re looking at?

Apollo: Not quite yet.

Hades: You need to learn some patience. You wait two hundred years and now you want everything all at once.

Cephallenia: I was just asking. Is there a sunrise on Olympus?

Apollo: Yes, but it’s very different. On Olympus, it’s like you’ve above everything. And the sun is only there to answer Zeus’ call. Not like here, it’s feels as if it’s the birth of the world every day.

Hades: I never knew you hated it so much there. You were always so privileged, I assumed you were totally at home.

Apollo: I prefer a bit of a challenge, I suppose. And I never liked the arguments, people avoiding each other, always some new quarrel or conspiracy. After awhile even Artemis and I started fighting, I knew we had to get out of there. I couldn’t be like you, going off to Hades all on your own, just communing with things, I wanted to be surrounded by people but happy people.

Cephallenia: It’s amazing. It does this every morning?

Hades: Every single one. And in the evening, it goes down again and the sky turns purple and pink, and then the moon comes out. Maybe I should get out more.
(they sit in silence for a minute, staring at the sun. A speck walks along the beach and they see Hera)

Apollo: Hera?

Hera: (looking up to the cliff) Hello there, what are you all doing up?

Cephallenia: This is my first ever sunrise. It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life.
(Hera climbs up to the cliff)

Hades: And what are you doing out so early on your own?

Hera: Walking, thinking.

Apollo: About this evening?

Hera: Not really. More about the past, what it used to be like on Olympus. I used to hate it because I thought it was so wretched we didn’t have any choice, we were all stuck there like bacteria in the petrie dish. And when we came to earth, I thought how lucky these humans are, to choose their friends and their futures. When you first suggested we live as humans, that’s what I wanted more than anything, that ability to do what I wanted for once, and to know that I was picking the people that I would spend my time with.

Apollo: That’s exactly why I suggested we do it.

Hera: But you know, it’s funny. I’ve been something like a hundred different people now, and every time, it’s the exact same. I don’t ever choose who my companions are, they’re put before me by the Fates. Whether it’s because we’re at the same university or choose the same career, it’s always like certain people get put in your way and never really leave it. Do you know it’s taken me hundreds of years to even tolerate this motley mess of Gods, and now that I’ve finally accepted that we’re all in this for better or worse, I realize how much time I’ve wasted. It’s like I don’t even really know anyone.

Hades: If you feel that you’ve been alienated, imagine how I’ve felt. I was told to go and look over this strange and disconnected realm that no one ever visited, and when I came home to find someone else to live there with me, Demeter throws the world’s biggest hissy fit. I mean, I know I was a loner, but… it would have been nice to have some visitors.

Hera: I feel terribly that I wasn’t there for you, Hades. I was so concerned with my own marriage, or lack thereof, to even think about you. You know, the five of us were strong growing up, so close. And then all of a sudden we got out of the stomach and forgot everything we had. We’re such selfish beings.

Apollo: But at least you’ve recognized what’s important now. And it’s never too late for us. When the humans get these feelings, it’s because of their own mortality. For us, we have forever to make up for the past.

Hera: But is forever enough to make up for the things that I’ve done?

Hades: No one blames you for the things you did because of that asshole you married.

Hera: You weren’t at the meeting, Hades. Hestia said I was emotionally incompetent to be a leader.

Apollo: I don’t think that’s what she meant. She just wanted to make sure that you knew that we are fighting Zeus’ plans, not Zeus himself. No one questions that you are our rightful leader, you are the Queen of the Gods.

Hera: Bullshit! I’m sorry, Cephallenia, but it is bullshit. I never asked to be the Queen of the Gods, that’s not something I ever sought out. That’s some shitty title because Zeus wanted to sweeten up my incarceration. You weren’t around then, Apollo, you don’t know what it was like. I was ready to go, the day the Titanomachia ended, I thought, the five of us would go and find a little corner of the world and Zeus could play at being the supreme ruler with Thetis or Metis or whoever he was fucking at the time. But it didn’t quite work out that way. I am not the Queen of the Gods, don’t ever call me that again. And if that really is why you lot respect my authority, then it’s meaningless, and you should find someone else to lead this thing.

Hades: Don’t be ridiculous, Hera. The reason we follow you is because you’re the only one who has enough ambition to get anything done. I do remember those days, very well, and I know the reason why Zeus chose you was because he knew that if he didn’t marry you, you would threaten his authority and probably usurp his power. You were already the Queen of the Gods, he just gave you the fancy title. And it’s certainly not Apollo’s fault that he gives you that sign of respect.

Hera: You are right. I’m sorry, Apollo. (she holds out her hand and takes his and kisses it). I saw Eros and Psyche down farther on the beach, I’m going to have a talk with them and perhaps will be able to get focused for this meeting. (she walks away and Hades shakes his head)

Hades: I know he’s your father, but sometimes I’d like to strangle him.

Apollo: Don’t worry, so would I. I wish I knew Hera before she married him.

Hades: She wasn’t this. Always passionate, always an emotional timebomb, but fiercely loyal and the best planner. It was pathetic that the spheres of earth, ocean, and soul-dwelling were allotted to the three of us because we were men. That was Zeus’ trickery, of course. But Hera would have been the best leader by far. And I wanted to ask her to help me with Hades but Zeus realized he needed a muzzle on her. Since then, it’s just been watching her slowly fall apart, until she finally left Olympus and started trying to get it together again. Living on earth has helped a lot, but she’ll never be the person I remember.

Apollo: I dread going back there. We’re already splitting apart at the seams. Hephaestus can’t even look at Aphrodite. Hera’s jumping down everyone’s throat, Demeter is back in sex kitten mode. (looking at Cephallenia) I mean…

Cephallenia: Do you want me to go back to the hotel?

Hades: No. I’ve protected you from all of this for too long. You wanted to come here, and it’s only fair that you should find out the bad with the good. Sister Demeter is a little insecure at the best of times, and completely compulsive at the worst. She’ll be impossible for the next few days, and I’ll get the brunt of it, because I’m the bastard who took her precious daughter away.
(Poseidon has come up behind them)

Poseidon: You are a bastard. But not because of that.

Hades: Thanks, bro.

Apollo: You’re up early.

Poseidon: I was going to say the same of you lot. You, I can see, they used to think you were the Sun God, but him, he likes his beauty sleep.

Hades: Not as bad as you are, stay out til all hours of the night and then sleep in until noon.

Poseidon: I used to, but lately I’ve gotten in this wretched habit of waking up at a decent hour. Especially today, it’s going to be a long day anyway.

Apollo: We were just discussing that. Hera is on the warpath already.

Poseidon: Little sister is not pleased that Hestia called her out last night. I agree, it was something Hestia should have brought up privately, she never should have questioned Hera in front of everyone like that.

Hades: You’re even more overprotective than I am. Hera can look out for herself where Hestia is concerned.

Poseidon: Yes, if they were one on one. But in front of everyone else, it just looked like Hestia was her mother. I love Hestia as much as anyone, but she can be so patronizing sometimes. And Hera doesn’t need the encouragement. She’ll swear up and down that she isn’t jealous of Aphrodite but whenever Aph is around, it’s like both of them have to prove to everyone how clever and wonderful they are. And having Aphrodite in the same room with Hephaestus and Ares is the worst idea ever.

Cephallenia: Do they both like her?

Hades: Not exactly. Hephaestus is her husband, but they don’t love each other anymore, it’s a long story. And Ares is her lover. I wasn’t around for it, but apparently he caught them in a net in his bed.

Apollo: It was quite funny at the time.

Poseidon: I wasn’t amused. I had to bribe Hephaestus to let them go. And there’s been trouble brewing ever since. What better time for them to explode than right now when we’re already stressed and distracted? I’m more worried about those three than Zeus and Hera. Zeus and Hera have been playing at diplomacy for so long that every thing they say to each other is scripted for perfect effect. If you think for one minute that either of them is out of control, you’re a fool. But with Aphrodite, she couldn’t act if her life depended on it. Ares is pure spleen, and Hephaestus has more hatred built up than any God ever created.

Hades: It’s surprising considering his father.

Apollo: Zeus is pretty hateful. I can speak from experience, that’s part of the inheritance.
(Poseidon and Hades look at each other)

Hades: Zeus isn’t Hephaestus’ real father. But Zeus doesn’t know that, so the two of you (including Ceph) must swear never to reveal this.

Cephallenia: I wouldn’t tell him.

Apollo: I give you my word. But, who is his father?

Poseidon: The lovely lovey Eros. When Hera had recovered from getting Aphrodite’d and married, she went to cry on the shoulder of Eros, who incidentally, Demeter was completely in love with. Needless to say, Eros is the God of love, and so he managed to fall in love with Hera for long enough to get her pregnant before Psyche came to earth and suddenly Hera was yesterday’s news.

Hades: Not that she’s ever gotten over him. She wandered off to go find him and Psyche just now, in fact.

Poseidon: I don’t trust that man, I wish he would leave us all alone. Anyone who tosses over both of my little sisters is trouble in my book.

Apollo: He can’t really help who he is, though. He loves people, that’s his blessing and his curse. I don’t think any of us quite escaped the power of Eros.

Poseidon: I hadn’t realized he got to you as well. But at least you’ve gotten over it.

Apollo: Never quite. But then, I’ve been singularly unfortunate in all my romantic endeavors, so I focus on my work instead.

Hades: It’ll happen some day. There are many ages yet for lesser gods to come into the world.
(Nathaniel walks up)

Nathaniel: What about lesser gods? What did we do now?

Poseidon: You left the burner on all night for one thing.

Nathaniel: I wasn’t using the burner last night.

Poseidon: No? Must have been the help, then. You’re up early.

Nathaniel: Yeah, I just didn’t want to miss all the excitement. I saw Hera and Psyche and Eros, they’re having a powwow about, let me see if I’ve got this right, communing with the universal agents of the Pre-Born.

Hades: (immediately interested) Can they do that?

Nathaniel: I don’t know, I left before I could get even more confused.

Hades: The Pre-Born are Gaea, Chaos, Nyx, the Fates. I have communed with Chaos, but his influence is very limited. If we were able to commune directly with Gaea, perhaps we would not have to worry about coming to war. Eros came into being alongside Gaea, and Psyche is her daughter from another universe I think, so they should be able to talk to her. Or else, if we could convince the Fates of the importance of things…

Poseidon: Easier said than done. They had done with us after Zeus tricked them a few too many times. Although, I don’t think he really pulled the wool over their eyes as much as he thought he did, they are omnipotent. Still, they sure have been a long time coming with payback.

Hades: Perhaps not much longer, though.

Apollo: Can we talk to them?

Hades: Yeah, sure, if you really want to travel to the edge of the world, ride the sun to the deserts of night, pass through the future, or have I got it wrong? No, you pass through the possibilities of the future, and then you end up in the true Elysium where you may petition them by sleeping out on their doorstep for five days without eating or drinking or speaking. Then if they decide to talk to you, you’ve got all of ten minutes to present your case initially, whereupon they will send you to the library to go and write up your request in triplicate, of course, twenty page minimum with footnotes referencing previous applicable cases in divine law.

Apollo: That easy?

Hades: It’s not that it’s necessarily difficult, it’s just damned time consuming, and no one can be bothered. Still, if it comes to that, one of us will have to do it.

Poseidon: We should keep it open as a possibility. I fear that Hera also has the Tartarus option in her mind. Has she asked you yet?

Hades: No, but she knows I could. And probably would.

Apollo: Could what?

Hades: I have learned from Chaos the secrets of Tartarus, and if I choose, I can release the Titans therein. They have actually mellowed with age, and are quite ready to come out and make it up to us, or so they say. They do, however, have one caveat, and that is they would have to put Zeus in Tartarus in their place. Can’t say why of all of us they hate him the most, but they do. Actually, I can easily say why, but I’ve had a couple thousand years to find out and they were clever enough to make that judgment after a few hundred I think.

Poseidon: You exaggerate brother. The Titanomachia lasted several million years.

Hades: I choose to exaggerate. I prefer not to reminisce.

Poseidon: You were young and easily affected. And this is what will happen again, if the Olympomachia begins, it will not end overnight. Generations of humans will live and die as we fight over their eventual destiny.

Hades: It doesn’t have to be that long if we take the Tartarus option.

Nathaniel: But would putting Zeus in Tartarus really solve everything? I mean, he has the other Olympian gods, and probably one or two of the Gods here wouldn’t be so happy if he were imprisoned, plus all the lesser gods. Surely someone would try to get him out, and then we’d be back where we started.

Apollo: That’s a very prescient point, and one I think we have been trying to ignore. Most of us have dwelt on the Zeus part of things without speaking of the rifts that will be created among the entire body of gods. And I know from the way Olympus was organized that we’re all going to get very caught up in this argument over first generation, second generation, lesser gods, and all the hierarchies that suddenly become meaningful when the loyalty of all the Gods are called into question.

Cephallenia: That means not even Hades is going to be a safe place anymore. We have just as much to lose as everyone on earth.

Hades: Yeah. I’m glad I brought you here, your generation may be the inheritors of our war instead of our glory.

Poseidon: If you ask Ares they’re the same thing.
(Artemis comes running along the beach)

Artemis: Hurry, there’s a meeting at the hotel.

Apollo: What’s happened?

Artemis: Nothing bad, but Dionysus is here, with news from Olympus. We’d all better get there before his attention span runs out. Where are Hera and Eros?

Hades: Down that side of the beach with Psyche.

Artemis: No, Psyche’s back at the hotel. I’ll go find them, you lot get back there. (Poseidon and Hades exchange an unhappy glance and all head to the hotel)

SCENE 11:
The hotel’s rather cheesy dining room. All are assembled. Hermes sits off to one side eating from a couple of buffet platters. Dionysus is seated cross legged on the white grand piano. The rest of the Gods are scattered across a few tables. Poseidon, Hades, Apollo, Nathaniel and Cephallenia come in, out of breath from running.

Poseidon: Make yourselves at home, boys.

Hermes: No problem.

Dionysus: Nice place, Poseidon. Everyone here?

Apollo: Artemis is getting Hera and Eros.

Dionysus: I haven’t got all day, I have to get back to Olympus before Zeus notices I’m gone.

Poseidon: That’s scarcely our concern.

Dionysus: Hey, look, I’m here to help you, if you guys don’t want my help, I can leave.
(from the door)

Hera: That won’t be necessary. We’d like to know what you have to say. (Eros follows her in).

Dionysus: Thank you, oh great Queen. (Hera ignores this slight and grabs a drink before sitting down casually, feet up on the table). Obviously I just came from Olympus. Zeus doesn’t really know that much about what we’ve been doing. I told him we were living as humans and he completely flipped out. He thinks that we’re all smirching the honor of the Gods and acting as turncoats to our heritage and… whatever else. Athena came in yesterday evening and I thought had calmed him down but then last night I came out again and it was fireworks. So I don’t know what you lot are up to, but I’ll tell you he’s pissed at all of us, and it’s not going to be pretty when you show up two days late from his proclamation in a conspiratorially large group. I’d watch out if I were you.

Hera: How kind of you to warn us, what’s in it for you?

Dionysus: Sorry?

Hera: I seriously doubt you came all of the way from Olympus to warn us against Zeus’ notorious bad temper. Something suggests to me that you want us there to take the heat off of you. Don’t worry, we’re coming. In fact, I think it’s a bit ridiculous to plan our approach to Zeus if he’s just going to be in a pissy mood anyway, so we might as well head out now. And objections? (shake heads, shrugs, etc.)

Poseidon: Well, won’t this be fun. (all fade from view)